Perhaps I am complicating the root of the toxic thought loops over my father-in-law.

This hyper-vigilant, combat booted mama never has been good at permitting vulnerability. Development of my defensive strategy training began as a toddler and has been reinforced by both formal and informal training.

When my husband decided to place the initial bee hives on his father's investment property, it seemed harmless enough. It was a prayerful gamble of a few of our own bucks toward the admirable ideal of breaking down the walls of rugged independence and divisions that plague his family. That gamble boomed and took on a life of its own. Our own investment out here has become quite substantial. My time is easily the most substantial of that investment. Four lonely, full time months and counting. Two part time months before that. My husband has squeezed in as many hours as his full-time plus job allows. And it rests in the hands of a man I, personally, neither admire nor trust.

I do greatly admire and trust my husband, warts and all. I encouraged him in this gamble with full knowledge of how great a gamble it was before he started. I was not coerced to participate. Whatever the future evolutions, I am proud of how much growth my husband and I have gained as a couple. We have only had one major squabble in the entire experiment and worked it out with reasonable efficiency. Our ability to work through our individual issues while still coordinating efforts has boomed as greatly as our bee population. Perhaps I have even gained personal growth. Perhaps.

Still sorting...