I'm just venting because I had a less than ideal day with neuropathy in my legs. My doctor says that for both of my legs to have a zone of neuropathy numbness and pain shaped as if I were wearing socks is something he's seen before. The whole feet and then up past the ankles. The hide, the skin half inch to an inch deep has been numb on both feet and ankles for 4 years now, so I have no balance. I walk like I have clown shoes on and steady myself with my cane.

Then beneath the hide, the muscles in feet and ankles have feeling. Not good feeling but feeling for having hot nerve pain when another nerve dies because my 40% kidney capacity can't deliver oxygen. Just sitting still I'll have a break in the numbness to feel sudden shooting fire through a nerve that's useless to me except to give me that feeling of a searing toothache in toes at random intervals. They vibrate visibly as the nerve burns out and dies, I'm not even moving them at will. It's something to watch.

As for the foot muscles themselves, they feel bruised as if someone had beaten the bottoms of my feet with baseball bats. Walking on them brought tears to my eyes today at the community college where I teach. A security guard saw me hobble along and went and got one of his security golf carts. He drove me to class in it to get me off my agonizing feet. Wonderful man.

Pain and more pain and kidneys not allowing any pain meds kicked up the PTSD symptoms in turn. Kidneys don't allow PTSD meds, either, so panic attacks are unmedicated at work. Again, for four years now. I'm thankful I don't have to do kidney dialysis, but I hurt so bad by afternoon today I went to the neurologist between classes. He stuck needles in my feet again that I couldn't feel, then touched the muscles to confirm they were all bruised. All he could do was confirm that, yeah, that's what was happening. No pain prescription because of kidneys. Another nerve in my big toe died going red hot there in his office while he was with me and we watched it vibrate and go out like a shooting star.

I didn't know how much longer I could stand it today. There was both unusually fierce throbbing bruised pain on the bottoms of my feet, and then fiery nerve pain as nerves died in my toes today. Usually it's one of the other. Then PTSD symptoms got going because the double foot pain triggered them. I found myself getting depressed at work, something work usually keeps me from feeling there. Because it's been like this for four years and there are years more ahead. It threatens to make me lose my inspiration for living.

Went back and taught that last class, though, and the students were great even when I was not. During class I showed a movie, and when the room was dark I turned away from them and when I hurt a big tear streaked down each one of my cheeks, I hurt so much. They didn't see the tears, I'm glad to say.

Students helped me walk to my car after class. I'm home now, I made it. I teach again in the morning, a different class with the same topic. I'll show that movie again to help get me through class tomorrow morning then. That's how I'll get through the day.

I almost quit teaching to go on disability 4 years ago when this neuropathy started in 2011. I came here for my PTSD when the meds were taken away at that time because of my kidneys. I have gotten along 4 years from that moment. Yes, I have. I want to teach as long as I can, it seems to help my self esteem. I've got 5 years to early retirement at 62. Almost halfway there.

I had a temporary handicapped parking sticker last year. I think I need to get a permanent one now. My neurology doctor I saw today said I should. I couldn't get to and from my car in the parking lot walking regular parking distances today.

I told SunCloud about this in reply to a very nice hug (thanks, SC!). I know I'm not the only one. I just had to do a general vent, too, so I could get it out to go to bed and end this less than ideal day. Thanks.