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Feeling a serious need for humor. Been surfing the joke boards in search of some lightening up aids. This one seems appropriate to my current situation.
A ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied. "And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?" "The same exact thing," the guard answered. "Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?" "Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
Any others out there?
A ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied. "And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?" "The same exact thing," the guard answered. "Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?" "Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
Any others out there?
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
A lady tells to the nurse at the maternity hospital:
- I think I will call my little newborn Anna.
Doctor:
- Sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her Anna532 or Anna_153
"How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?"
No one knows---they scatter when the light comes on."
Ba-dum-dum-*ting*.
"If experience is the best teacher, then I'm the worst student."
"Doing something a long time doesn't make someone an expert. After all, your a** has been your a** all your life but do you take its advice?"
"A dog passed away and his soul was in a questionable state, so the Almighty gave him a choice between Dog Heaven and Dog Hell. The dog admitted he maybe hadn't always been the best dog around, but he wasn't stupid, so he asked, 'What's Dog Heaven like?' and was told, 'You will be allowed on all furniture, you will do annoying things and people will think it's cute, and you will never have to guard property or play with rude children again.' The dog considered, and asked, 'What's Dog Hell like?' and was told 'You will be surrounded by cats.' The dog understandably said, 'I'll take Dog Heaven' and when he opened his eyes, he discovered he was surrounded by cats.... He opened his mouth to protest and his first word was "Meow!"...' (From a relative who insists that heaven is being reincarnated as a cat... Couldn't resist, sorry!)
The expert joke reminds me of a constructo parable on why the asshole is always in charge.
The various body parts began arguing over who was the best. "I have all the logic centers," opined the brain.
"I have the data which give your logic centers the material to operate," chimed the nervous system.
"Without me, you can't do anything at all," stated the hands.
"Without me, you can't get anywhere," stated the legs.
"Without me, none of it flows," said the asshole.
While the other body parts were sharing a mocking laugh, the asshole clammed up. Pretty soon the legs were shaking, the hands were unable to grip, the senses were overwhelmed, the eyes jaundiced and the brain lost its ability to logicate.
"Okay, okay!" cried all the body parts in unison. "The asshole is in charge."
And so it remains to this day. Arfie Arf.
Your forum humor the other day reminded me of this one.
This one should be read aloud to get it, but a librarian friend ofmine sent it to me, because of my voracious reading habits...
"A chicken walked to the librarian's desk and said, "Book book book?" and so the librarian chose a volume and gave it to the chicken. An hour later, the chicken returned, and repeated, "Book book BOOK!" and the librarian again gave the chicken a book and saw the chicken out the door. A third time the chicken returned and demanded "Book book book!" and this time the librarian followed the bird, wondering what was going on....
The chicken took the book to a nearby pond, where a frog sat on the bank. The frog was seated by all the books the chicken had taken, and as he viewed the new title, he croaked, "REddit reddit reddit."