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Ooops I did it again(rant)

Spiral
Spiral

I went on facebook again tonight and there was a lady I use to hang out with posting about her new job.   She finished her Masters and every couple years she moves to a new job as a manager,  director, etc.   Her last job was the manager of surgicial services for a small hospital.   I then decided to see what new exciting job she has now,  but instead i found out that she has been published in medical journals,  school text books etc.  


Now,  her life is far from perfect,  she most certainly has an untreated undiagnosed mental illness,  my social worker friend is fairly sure it is bipolar.   Her marriage feel apart, she cheated on him, one job she left from the got her a chocolate bar as a going away present,  and I am sure she leaves her jobs every couple of years because she has burned so many bridges.   Not perfect,  so why am I jealous?


Well,  let me see.   She pursued her dreams,  got her masters and is now repeating the rewards.   She was smart enough to enter nursing when she was young and enjoyed a good career,  now that she is older and has her masters,  her experience gives her expert status which brings with it the perks,  such as being published and having good career options making good money.  


I compared myself to her.   Never got a good education, moved from job to job to move up the corporate ladder by working my ass off only to have it all taken away from me,  by a bunch of bullies.   I now cannot even do the simplest of jobs and often worry about money.  My credit cards are maxed and my income is limited.   I cannot make up my mind what I want to do with my life and I am no afraid to go back to work because I fear failure so badly and I just don't think I can take another failure.   I struggle with even being able to read these days because of a lack of focus.  


Why drives her that is lacking in me?   Why cannot I drive myself to success?  I know I should not fear working but I do.   Well,  I just answered my first question,  it is a lack of self-esteem,  confidence and worth.   I no longer see myself as being able to work,   I see myself as a shell of the former me.  I see myself as not being capable anymore.   No matter what happens to this lady she sees herself as above others because in her own words, "getting my masters has made me realize just how much smarter I am than others".   She is not lacking confidence, self-esteem or self-worth.   Quit the opposite,  she has more than enough for her and 9 other people.  


I just feel I need a break to get my feet back under me,  but I don't seem to be finding those breaks.   Employment is not going well,  things I am good at I can never be paid for because they are volunteer jobs and in order to work in that field you need a masters.  


Ugh....I am frustrated with my life.  I am jealous of others and I am to flipping afraid to live mine!   Ya,  I pretend to live it,  and every once in a while I live it for a short period of time,  but I am still not living my life.   I am still dead inside from this PTSD.   Most of the time I am dead tired,  no energy. 


It is just this lady is such a nasty person on so many levels,  yet she is able to get ahead in life.  Is this what you must do to get ahead?   He a liar and treat people badly in order to get ahead?  Thing so highly of yourself that you step on others?  Out for yourself and that is it?  Maybe I should try that because what I am doing now is not working.    Why is it the nasty people are the ones that end up getting ahead?   Oh wait they are the bullies who rule the world.


Ok,  rant done!   Hope I did not trigger anyone or upset anyone.   Right now,  life is sucking for me thanks to myself for comparing myself to others.   The number one thing for improving self-esteem is not to compare yourself to others,  yet it is so hard not to.  

arfie
arfie
Do I have it right that yours is an analytical nature? If I am wrong, read no further. This response is based on the AssUMption that your analytical talents are awesome. I could be projecting. I am, without a doubt, analytical to my core. I might be completely off-base to think it takes one to know one. Forgive me if I am offensive in my assumption.

Comparison is essential to the analytical process. I have stopped beating myself up for comparing and focus on using my analytical talents well. When I am using my talents badly, I often compare apples and elephants. Comparing financial success to academic success to emotional success would be classic examples from my own psycho-baggage car.

A human life is a complex mosaic. Even comparing my strictly personals of today to my strictly personals of yesterday is an ongoing challenge. Comparing my insides to a long lost peer's Facebook blurb? Surely my analytical talents can find a more valid equation to work. . .

Guess I am just babbling. I do that allot when I am spending too much time alone. Strictly personal nag flags are waving. . . Works in progress. . .

Keep sorting, CC. Your answers are in there. Continued support while you sort your own.
Gladdmatt
Gladdmatt
I have often felt resentment toward people who I think do not "deserve" the good things in their life, while I suffer away and they could care less and they don't know what life really means because they have not suffered like I have and I think they are smug and not as bright as me, and can't they see how messed-up they are, and so on and so forth. In other words, I relate to the feelings you are describing. And when I have tried confronting such people, I lose and they win. My meds and talk therapy help, and also bringing some good things into my own life. I don't compare myself to other people as much when I have constructive activities to occupy my time. While probably every day there are people I envy in a bad way, it has lessened considerably. When I get an attack of whatever this is, I have gotten better at catching it so it lasts a few seconds instead of all day. I also try to remind myself that I don't know everything going on with these people,.Maybe they are on meds, too, and I just don't know it. I also have come to realize that my obsessing on others is part of my illness, my PTSD and OCD, etc. I don't know if you're into this type of thing, but I also pray for these people. In any event, I can relate to what you describe, and I can tell you that it can and does get better. I'll pray for you, too.
Spiral
Spiral
Arfie, yes I am/was analytical. A large part of my job involved analyzing past history to ensure we had what we needed to repair tanks. I was really good at my job. I also had to review parts to see if there were spikes in parts. Doing this I caught 2 major problems that saved us and the military millions of dollars. Turned out the guys were setting a battery switch wrong and burning out parts. It also turned out that no filter in the gas line caused sand to ruin a number of fuel pumps. Turns out tanks do not run well on sand and dirt. I caught these from abnormally high spikes in parts and repairs.
Now a days, I would say I am the opposite of analytical. I am much more touchy and feely then I ever was. I am more considerate of others, and I can read people very well. It is actually a curse as far as I am concerned. I hate having a sense about people, because I don't care. This sense is especially true when it comes to people suffering from mental illness. I have tested this theory a couple times while at the hospital. In the parking lot I will pick up on someone, hang back and watch them walk into the out patient area. These people look like everyone else in the parking lot, so I don't know why I know but I do. This also is true of people on the elevator. I can pick someone out that is going to the 7th floor out of a crowded elevator. I hate it but I have become much better at ignoring it. When I first started noticing this it drove me crazy, I don't want to know, it is not important, why do I need to know? Anyway, the analytical stuff seems to be gone now, I am not able to do the jobs I use to do, I get let go, fired or just plain mess them up so badly. I miss the old capable me.

Gladdmatt, yep, you do understand and I have to give you a great big round of applause for being able to stop comparing yourself to others. It is not easy to do. For me I find myself slipping further and further away from the reality of life, work and home. I seem powerless to stop the slide and get my feet back under me. I can make small strides, but they pale in comparison to what my friends are doing or even my husband, who is going to get a new job offered to him today what will give him 10k more a year and add 6k more a year to his retirement income. All this while actually doing a less stressful job. It is hard not to be jealous when success seems to reach out and grab people while I struggle to find the energy to get out of bed in the morning and put on a happy face as I try to adjust my feelings and emotions for the day so I can do a few small things around the house and maybe out for a bit. I am jealous these people have the energy and drive, self-esteem, confidence and self-worth to make it happen for them. I doubt myself at least 100 times a day and have no idea if I am doing the right thing or not. I cannot make decisions about my future and even though I go out and volunteer, I lack social engagement and friendship. I think I know what is missing from my life and how to fix it up I lack the knowledge to put it together and I really, really need a break. I need my confidence, self-esteem and self-worth back. I need to feel worthy of living my life and confident I am making the right decisions and moving in the right direction. However, I am paralyzed with fear of everything, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of people and conflict, and more fear. I am so fearful, I make rash decisions and seem to be losing touch with reality. Some days I feel more like 2 people than 1.
arfie
arfie
My analytical talents are not all there is to me, however much the folks who paid me for those talents disliked the rest of me. Those analytical talents are also greatly at odds with other aspects of my nature, most especially my emotions and intuitive senses.

Getting all that in balance and working together --or at least peacefully coexisting-- is no small task, nor is that balance ever a done deal. When I am out of balance, it seems like one aspect typically masks and/or dominates the others. Maybe. Just a theory from just-a-patient. . .
Spiral
Spiral
I know better than to compare myself to others but I just cannot help it and it is so easy. This lady is now a director in a hospital and where I am I? I know do not go there. To late I am depressed about my life.
arfie
arfie
In my own strictly personals, will power proved ineffective against this dysfunctional habit. Training my analytical talents proved an ideal channel. I still "go there" with this class of comparison. With deliberate validation, I am getting ever quicker at modifying and/or eliminating the invalid elements.

The dysfunctional comparisons are not always invalid. Sometimes they point me in a very valid direction for further development. Directions I would not have found without the goosing from the envy factor.
souls2bone
souls2bone
Different and yet the same. I truly understand your situation and going through the same thing. Why her/him instead of me? I'm a good person and more deserving! Why?!!! It just isn't right or fair! Sadly this has been the repeating story throughout my entire life. And I'm ALWAYS given to same answer - don't worry about them, concentrate on you. It's a bullshit answer, but you know what? They're right. Karma has a funny way of handling things. You don't know all the parts of their lives. We only see what we want. Don't allow that person to take power and goodness away from you! YOU ARE BETTER! AND BETTER TIMES ARE COMING - JUST TAKE CARE OF YOU. Is it fate that I came across your post? Not sure, but it's time for me to practice what I preach. Great things are coming to us, only if we let go of this jealousy and wish them the best. Start comparing because there is no comparison. We are and have so much better if only we open our eyes.
Lol yeah you're right. I did write a bunch of bs. Sounded good lol
Spiral
Spiral
Souls2bone, lol, it is not bs, you are right. The cornerstone to healthy self-esteem is not to compare yourself with others. Healthy self-esteem is a corner stone to living a full and happy life. I am convinced that health self-esteem, confidence and self-worth, which in turn is the way out of this hell called PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.
I have read a great deal about self-esteem lately and I have found it keeps coming back to stop comparing yourself to others. For me comparing myself to others is so easy since I am not where I want to be in life, my career or my social network. As I search for why I am not where I want to be and how to get there, I cannot help but look at me and say, "what is wrong with me?". Why cannot I have friends? Why cannot I keep a job?
Without a answer to questions, I need to find a baseline. Ok, who does have all this in there life, and if I compare me to them, what is missing. Well, just about everything is missing because I am not them, I am me. It is like trying to compare an apple and an orange.
It is a big circle, ptsd robbed me of my self-esteem, that in turn has caused a bunch of issues that have validated the lack of self-esteem (job losses, loss of friends, hospitalized, etc), all this gets me asking questions about why I am different from others, then I compare myself to others, and than I get depressed, which contributes to the feelings of being different and furthers the lack of self-esteem. Big bad circle.
michael47
michael47
Might be worth keeping in mind that this person you're comparing yourself to is herself probably terrified of failure and thus driven to accomplish to prove her own self worth ie mostly to her own self. But I might be wrong. That she's on FB tooting her own horn indicates to me self grandiosity and a narcissistic side? Definitely a need for attention and admiration on her part. I suspect she might be in more pain than you think and she's trying to mask it with "look at all my success". She truly does want others to envy her. Why else take the time to flaunt it on FB? I guess it's doubtful she's actually fulfilled, autonomous and happy, which it seems like you might be assuming she's attained those qualities?? More likely the opposite and so many times these types portray excess confidence to fool everyone around them putting forth a strong bravado to hide the empty shell that is them. I would also exercise care in assuming her accomplishments are true even as many of these types are so full of themselves they easily exaggerate education,accomplishments, associations etc... You know something? For real, they are just so "all that" that they really shoun't have to associate with mere earthlings...them pathetic things not hardly worthy of their own so noted greatness!!!!
You yourself are great in some way or ways. Do give yourself a break today and realize that. You are unique and you are special. Embrace that. Start by being your own cheerleader. When you do something right or you put out to do something right for others, be positive and acknowledge to yourself that yes you did a good un there. I think every individual is genius in some way and often their talents go unrecognized by the inside as well as the outside world! What can you control? Sadly your best chance is your inside world. And this goes a long way towards building your desired "self esteem". Especially in the work world you're going to be regarded as competition so care should be exercised not to expect positive feedback from there cause theirs is to break you down not to build you up. So sad but the outside is so often a bully atmosphere which curiously you actually referenced in your post. Sorry to hear you worked so hard only to get steamrollered in your profession and mobbed by bullies. I'm dealing with PTSD myself, having been mutilated psychologically by that very situation. I guess I was too naive to comprehend the "evil" that squashed me and destroyed my career. It's like your reality has been turned upside down by these psychopaths. I doubt the majority of the population can comprehend being on the receiving end of such treatment. Simply inhumane tactics being deployed for the purpose of intentionally isolating, demoralizing and scapegoating someone perceived as a threat for whatever reason you'll never be able to determine but surely their abuse will drain your self esteem and cause you to doubt your own capabilities and to even lose sight of your own reality, even convincing you that you are worthless and a mistake to even have been born!!!! My internet research seems to indicate these tacticians are actively ramping up their foul behavior in this world. Especially the coorate world! It destroys good caring people with anonymity and even with the blessings of management in so many cases. Leaving the unfortunate victims reeling and wondering what sideswiped them. On a positive note there may be karma... I know not. :(
michael47
michael47
I hope you're feeling better at this point. Yes it seems psycho and sociopaths do generally get ahead in this world. It seems they accomplish this by way of not playing by the rules of proper etiquette that so many of us not only follow but naively expect these people "too" to follow. They blatantly disregard the rules with unpunity. But the overwhelming attribute to them is their lack of empathy and real human emotion which allows them to act as such! Hence, they're able to do the things they do without guilt or feelings of remorse that might induce a sense of shame in a normal compassionate person. More routinely, they make their victims responsible for their own abuse and thus "deserving" of the awful treatment rendered. They brainwash and enlist the help of others too whom they'll then play to do their dirty work. Their own hands are then clean no? These types do get ahead and it could be argued they're at an advantage because they have no emotion and they laugh at others emotions and think it's hilarious these POS's are so weak. They build themselves up by breaking others down...and without remorse! It's astonishing how co-workers buy in. I suppose they do so to "fit in" but there's definitely the fear of "being targeted" by the violence oneself.

To answer your question. Would the capacity to behave so unethically allow you great success? Probably. But you, presumably being a compassionate human being, would then have to get around your feelings of guilt for having behaved the way you did and for having harmed an innocent person and surely for a normal compassionate person that would be a stumbling block....
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