I went on facebook again tonight and there was a lady I use to hang out with posting about her new job. She finished her Masters and every couple years she moves to a new job as a manager, director, etc. Her last job was the manager of surgicial services for a small hospital. I then decided to see what new exciting job she has now, but instead i found out that she has been published in medical journals, school text books etc.
Now, her life is far from perfect, she most certainly has an untreated undiagnosed mental illness, my social worker friend is fairly sure it is bipolar. Her marriage feel apart, she cheated on him, one job she left from the got her a chocolate bar as a going away present, and I am sure she leaves her jobs every couple of years because she has burned so many bridges. Not perfect, so why am I jealous?
Well, let me see. She pursued her dreams, got her masters and is now repeating the rewards. She was smart enough to enter nursing when she was young and enjoyed a good career, now that she is older and has her masters, her experience gives her expert status which brings with it the perks, such as being published and having good career options making good money.
I compared myself to her. Never got a good education, moved from job to job to move up the corporate ladder by working my ass off only to have it all taken away from me, by a bunch of bullies. I now cannot even do the simplest of jobs and often worry about money. My credit cards are maxed and my income is limited. I cannot make up my mind what I want to do with my life and I am no afraid to go back to work because I fear failure so badly and I just don't think I can take another failure. I struggle with even being able to read these days because of a lack of focus.
Why drives her that is lacking in me? Why cannot I drive myself to success? I know I should not fear working but I do. Well, I just answered my first question, it is a lack of self-esteem, confidence and worth. I no longer see myself as being able to work, I see myself as a shell of the former me. I see myself as not being capable anymore. No matter what happens to this lady she sees herself as above others because in her own words, "getting my masters has made me realize just how much smarter I am than others". She is not lacking confidence, self-esteem or self-worth. Quit the opposite, she has more than enough for her and 9 other people.
I just feel I need a break to get my feet back under me, but I don't seem to be finding those breaks. Employment is not going well, things I am good at I can never be paid for because they are volunteer jobs and in order to work in that field you need a masters.
Ugh....I am frustrated with my life. I am jealous of others and I am to flipping afraid to live mine! Ya, I pretend to live it, and every once in a while I live it for a short period of time, but I am still not living my life. I am still dead inside from this PTSD. Most of the time I am dead tired, no energy.
It is just this lady is such a nasty person on so many levels, yet she is able to get ahead in life. Is this what you must do to get ahead? He a liar and treat people badly in order to get ahead? Thing so highly of yourself that you step on others? Out for yourself and that is it? Maybe I should try that because what I am doing now is not working. Why is it the nasty people are the ones that end up getting ahead? Oh wait they are the bullies who rule the world.
Ok, rant done! Hope I did not trigger anyone or upset anyone. Right now, life is sucking for me thanks to myself for comparing myself to others. The number one thing for improving self-esteem is not to compare yourself to others, yet it is so hard not to.
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