Hope we can continue to be there for you re the PTSD isolation thing, arfie, that's the main thing. Much support to you.

Got nothing but supportive puma vibes.

not possible to keep a food fight clean mate it's impossible lol....it's all part of the fun anyway :)....I get what you're saying about 2 steps forward 1 step back...I liken it to Rugby Football over here in the UK...very like the football you guys in the Sates play...anywaaaaaaay... in Rugby in order to score a try (win points) (cross the line at the opposite end's goal posts) you have to pass the ball back to the player behind you... they then throw it forward to the guy in front of you...until they get tackled by the opposition or manage to hold em off so crossing the winning line....and Rugby is usually played mostly in the autumn and winter so it is plenty slimey and muddy...and bleeding' cold...I think it is a metaphor for you have to review the past and reconcile with it before you can move forward in life....and yes can so relate about the personal integrity thing....I think so much of us that is the 'real' part of us gets buried under the trauma and unhealthy coping and defence mechanisms and dodgy programming and brainwashed we receive when we grow up we lose the ability to be' thine on self be true'....and we get buried under the nasty icky emotions...Buddhism has taught me we need to accept ourselves warts and all and understand ourselves before we can ever hope to under stand other people and our experiences thoughts beliefs expectations etc....and under the muck is so much gold....sorry long chew mate ;)

Keep on chewing, BL. Me likes.

Love the Rugby analogy. We have amateur Rugby leagues here in Texas. I am not much of a sports fan, but my walk-by comparisons makes me think U.S. football is for wimps. Aren't the Rugby guys playing essentially the same game without the protective gear? Whatever the evers of that what, even I can tell that both games put tremendous energy into covering small distances.

I wonder if self-esteem issues are the main reason my psyche keeps going back to the old places. The childhood conditioning which lead me to the throw-away kid camps left me with little enough self-esteem that I honestly believed I, as a human being, had nothing worth keeping. Maybe the two steps back are Nature's way of saying, "We ain't throwing nothing away. Just washing and sculpting."

Great big hug of peace and calm sent to you sweetie...xo

Everything we have been through, traumatic happy or anything in-between makes us who we are to day Arf. It wasn't the conditioning that lead you to the throw-away kid camps, you were already physically there because of forces and circumstances beyond your control because you were just a little kid and poisonous adults were in charge. How could any of that be your fault mate? Or any reflection on who you are as a human being, your value, your worth? You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. If anything the people who abused you you and allowed you to be abused, were the ones worth jack shit. Not you Arf. I mean that. the fact you have survived to the age you have, and how kind and wise and supportive you are to anyone on here who is in troubles, speaks volumes to me and many other here about how special unique and one-off you are. You are braver, cleverer, and stronger than you believe. And most people in this world are stupid scared and weak. No nothing is wasted mate. It's all grist to the mill and shaped us and makes us the way we are today. Have you heard the diamond analogy? We are all diamonds in the rough. We came out of the ground dirty. We have many facts and aspects and parts of ourselves. Life experiences polish and perfect the different sides of our diamond (ourselves). And all of us are worth something to the Entiy who created us in the first place. He/She knows what they are doing. Trust in the process and trust yourself.

Peace my friend

manda xx

I feel that way a lot but in the process finding new things makes it all worth it. I wonder maybe its not two steps back but rather sideways and when we go sideways we find a new way forward.

I liked reading about how you feel the healing process is sometimes one step forward; two steps backwards. I can see where you get this philosophy, but I try to think of it as maybe we are choosing the wrong way to go about our healing.
It's like this, imagine you wanted to be a teacher, but you didn't know what you wanted to teach. You are going to shoot off in a bunch of directions of teaching, a lot which may not work, you may not understand, you may not like, you may not be good at.
Sometimes I believe in fate. And sometimes I think we know we want to heal, and so we spout off in different directions, and the universe isn't just gonna let us stick with a path to healing that doesn't make sense to our great potential. So it may throw us off over and over again until we can figure out where to go.
Anyhow, that's how I see it. And I think you are into something. It's not about becoming a "new you" it's about discovering yourself.
Good luck arfie:)

Tasty chews, one and all. Thank you.

For sure, when I started therapy in 1972, the idea that a child prostitute COULD heal was a pretty radical notion. Life expectancy, 20 years or less. Whatcha gonna do? There were still allot of apathetic shrugs going on about whether it was worth the effort to try, when you could get people to talk about it at all. Trial and error were all my shrinks and I had to work with. Perhaps more error than trial. One step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I feel like a refugee from the Island of Doctor Moreau. I wonder if that is why my damaged memory has turned my pro parade into a big ol' bowl of alphabet soup. Too many names for it, most of them abbreviated.