As most of you probably alread know, I like to keep my distance (emotionally). I was often in the position of having to take on responsibilities no child should and having to be the grown up, so I couldn't afford to be sick or hurting. I never had any support after my traumas. I've had to learn very early that the only person I could ever truly rely on is myself. So I never talk about anything that hurts me.

About two weeks ago I started to try and open up a tiny bit about my PTSD to my best friend. Not much, mostly small remarks about rather insignificant aspects of it, more acknowledging its existance in the presence of my bestie than anything remotely like talking about it, but it's the best I can do. Even this was a struggle.

So far he's been great about it. He just listened, didn't push me, didn't try to offer solutions because he realises there is no easy way out, didn't judge, didn't treat me any different than usually.

While my strong dislike of becoming attached is rather obvious to those who know me long enough, he has no idea about my massive abandonment issues (I'm still very far away from talking about those yet).

So today he accidently triggered them. He said that he felt like everyone around him has issues they dump on him. I know that it wasn't directed at me. I've always been there for him (so he sais) and he keeps telling me that he wants to do the same for me. He gets concerned whenever he notices that I'm not feeling well and tried to gently nudge me into telling him what's wrong so he can try to help.

I absolutely hate feeling like I'm a burden to anyone, it makes those bloody abandonment issues skyrocket instantly. And although I know he didn't mean me, that he doesn't think I'm a burden, that's how the stupid part of me that makes me doubt anything nice that's ever been said to me felt.

I could feel every tiny gap and window in my walls slam shut and all my defenses go up in the fraction of a second. Nothing I could do about it.

I know that, in the best case scenario, it will probably take me months until I can try to open up again. The rational part of me knows it's all just in my head but the abandoned, hurt one is just too fucking scared.

It's frustrating!!!!! I thought for a moment that I was finally making a bit of progress. I know I'm acting irrational but somehow I can't help it.


Ugh, more ranting than intended.