Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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O.k. well I don't normally share this much or vent, but since some of you said this is the place to do it. I will give it a try. I suffered sexual trauma when I was about 13 on two different occasions with different boys. So has a result I did not trust males. Then in my early 20's I married a women that verbally and mentally abused me, whom turned out to be a lesbian(no I had no clue) and was in love with my sister. Then I pretty much trusted no one. Which was re-enforced when my daughter was molested by a fellow parishioner of our church. Well flash forward to now and my social circle is down to three: my awesome, beautiful wife, and my fantastic girls. I rarely ever go out. Most the time everyday life is really hard, but this last year and a half has really killed my trust.
It all started when we were getting food stamps and we were re-newing are application. Sometimes all of those forms are like reading greek. Well we listened to the wrong employee, and in short omitted something that should not have been. In short my wife went to jail end of last year on a felony tampering with government documents. That in itself was traumatic. But now she has to pay each month and for other reasons that I will share is really hard to do. O.k. then after my wife gets out we are blessed with enough money to buy a car, then a month later we have to spend all of our income tax, some savings, and 2 loans to put in a new motor. So here we are finally getting on our feet and we have to take out 2 loans and pawn stuff every month just to live month to month. Ok so all of this sucks but we are getting by. I mean we moved out of a motel(our home of four years) into a modest house(rented) have a car and are finally getting to move forward. Well then to buy food and necessities we try to sell a piano on Craigslist. And we thought our prayers were answered when someone offered asking price for it. Well long story short on top of everything else we are victims of fraud. Our check card is frozen and we need permission each month before we can take out our own money. So there goes any momentum we had, along with any kind of Christmas gifts for our girls. Well there goes my trust in anything, and my desire to even leave the house. Now I am sorry if I am hard to follow, or if I skipped some things. But that is things in a nutshell. Thanks for letting me vent.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Thank you for trusting enough to let 'er rip. Vent freely. Vent often.
Manda xx
I understand why after all of that you would be hesitant to trust people. In time you may learn to, but for now you have all the right to build walls up and to keep everyone out. I'm still tearing my own walls down. Maybe that's why we're all here. To break down the walls together.
Sending you support <3
TW maybe - so, i had started dissociating since i was very little. i had to learn how so i could stay silent. i don't remember an awful lot. maybe there was too much that was.. unacceptable?? i don't know, or how to see it/say it. little bitty kid. slowly figuring that part out.
adult me, too. boy did i find out about it is not true about people being all kind and nice... most people probably are, not my choices though. so then, proved it! right there - don't trust me - i didn't figure that out right away - i needed to build it up really really well.
anyway - long Lilly story. here, thank goodness for here. took a long time of bein accepted and let be. let me play bein a lilly kid. one day, i started realising that, my self was becoming. that takes self-trust. i can't have a self without self-trust - not a self that feels a solid self.
this place right here, being here every day is what helped me. and it is still helping me. i need here. every day, i need here. these friends - you.
p.s. i can't afford Christmas either - but we aren't supposed to be able to. i know, i know. roll w/it though. pretend like you got snowed in and all the presents are stuck someplace else. you have to make some out of what it in the house - or give from what you have. those new socks you love so much-give them, Christmas Eve, then they give them back in the morning :O) something like that, hugs