It’s good that you wrote about this here instead of bottling it up rose.
This is a hard one and I faced it too in the past. I returned to my husband many times when I shouldn’t have because my life didn’t get better, just bad in different ways.
Sounds like your health surrogate isn’t suited to the job. Any chance of a new one?
I wish the world would appreciate gentle souls like yourself.

I'll second the notion that it is good you wrote about this here instead of bottling ^it^ up. Solidly confronting what you are dealing with is always an important step in dealing instead of *just* retreating to your personal business as usual. You are far from alone in this phenom.

In my own herstory, those invisible years dragged on for so long that I mentally turned that "Invisibility" into a "Superpower." If *They* can't see me, *They* can't stop me." Never mind that that solution later became it's own psychosis. It got me through the rough of trying to strike out on my own. It gave me the courage to keep going through the challenges. These days, using my "Superpower" of invisibility is but a game which works surprisingly often in those situations where it is easier to find forgiveness than permission.

I disagree that you have already said too much. Keep venting and sorting, Rose. Your own answers are in there. Listening. . .

For what it's worth
When I am not finding support within my current support network, I never eliminate. I expand and trust the healing mysteries to guide me to the support I need. It really does take a village to heal. There is no sense to criticizing the proverbial bakers because they don't have the nuts and bolts I need. I just head over to the proverbial hardware store.

Big stuff to talk about, so vent away. We're here.

I am 'too much" for most people ------ but those first 17 years of my life left marks on my psyche that I can't undo completely. INvisibility has its advantages for safety ----- but abuse never does, in my opinion.

I have run into a few people who stonewall me with, "yes, that was bad, but now let me tell you about my stuff". Being silences is one of my biggest triggers, but I just let that sort of reply to my (attempted) sharing be... a reminder. How others see my experiences, how they deal with their own, we're not always gonna be the same, and hearing about something *else* is often a big help to my process.... Note, *my*. A window into "Normal World", whatever that may be. Useful information in what is expected of "normal", which i can then use.

All that rambling to say... as invisible as I may feel, I come here to DS and know I'm not. ithelps.

Peace.

Hi.
I have changed my Health suggoate two years ago. My current Therapist explained that its common for individuals like me but I am clueless. I feel clueless. I was invisible and still think I am. For me very little change. I try to hold on to hope but at times I just want life to just go away. No, no to hurt myself but just that life would be better.

Sometimes I think of how I was always afraid but I had a home to go to. I grow up been thought for the first 30 years to trust no and anyone who thinks different from what I was told is our enemies.

I struggle with who to believe and who not to. I would trust a little and then get hurt and give up. The only thing I know that is certain is my Faith. But life, life is never good. I met someone last year at camp and she keeps saying life is good. I wonder which life? Or which planet she is in or at least what is wrong with me.

So people thinks it's weried how life is for me and said that I am Strong because I have a lot of reasons to give up and don't and when others would have, I don't. But for me I don't know. I just think life is painful painful. I sometimes think that I was born to hurt. Sometimes I think life is beautiful but not for me because I don't deserve it.

The hardest thing is when other said "You deserve......." but nothing changed.

Big hug for you Rose.... You are such a kind soul

I am so sorry that you're hurting and I to am glad that you're venting....

Once Covid is over it might help you to go to a real life PTSD peer support group

I agree as well that DS has helped me a great deal over the years..... I'm glad that you're here.... xo

((((Rose))))
I as well think you are a kind soul,
I wish I could write more but I have a foggy mind from the migraines lately. I just wanted to write that I understand a lot of what you write about. & that I’m glad I know you.
I hope for good things for you & most important less pain
Sending support & big hug <3

Rose, others are right you are so kind. Returning to an abuser is not a good option as they just create danger and more pain. I think we all feel invisible sometimes. It’s hurtful when others don’t listen and you feel unheard. It’s good that you post here. Remember that you matter. Be kind to yourself.

I wrote here earlier this week about how talking abut abuse this way reminds me of my favorite episode of The West Wing, the one in which actor Martin Sheen plays Pres. Bartlet having a therapy session with a trauma psychiatrist played by actor Adam Arkin. They go back through the president’s life searching for the cause of his current trauma symptom—insomnia—and land on how his father used to hit him. My father used to hit me, too, so I perked up at this point in the show. The doctor asks if the president realizes his father disliked and hit him out of his own insecurity, not anything the president did or didn’t do as a son. The president admits he gets that. Then the doctor asks if the president realizes it’s no use trying to win a person like that over. The president says yes.

And then come the words I should have tattooed on my arm so I’ll never forget them, because they’re so true to all of us and our perpetrators as we recover from the PTSD we got from being close to them. After the president says to the doctor that he realized he’ll won’t win his dad over because it’s his dad’s problem, not his, the doctor says flatly:

“Good, because it’s NEVER, EVER going to happen.”

That’s true of my own dad. My breakthrough accepting that come 10 years after I let him hit me one last Christmas when he was 80 and I was 52 years old. I finally followed my therapist advice and broke off contact, and without contact I didn’t shrivel up and die like my codependent mind had told me I would. It was hard, but I was free, with boundaries for the first time ever.
With safety, though, came loneliness. I realized what s deeply, deeply codependent personality I had. Such was my family. My dad wasn’t the only problem. When I got popular in high school my mother got jealous when I started dating the girl who was vice president of the student body. When I came home happy from prom night—no hanky panky, I was a good boy—she waited up for me and broke a wooden spoon on my head in a rage. Dear old mom.

So since I had advanced placement good grades and earned my graduation credits quickly, I left home early in the middle of my high school senior year and entered college early just to get away from her rage. I still didn’t date much, and then when I did get married after college I married a partner who abused me verbally. Though I put her through college, she cheated on me in our home with a coworker of mine weekly during the time I went regularly to a face to face support group. I found out by accident once when I went to my weekly support group meeting to find it had been canceled due to our leader’s sudden illness, and I came home and caught them at my house.

I changed the locks that day and started to learn to be independent and not codependent for the first time. It’s been hard, because when I finally got into therapy and traced my family tree I saw that my family is codependent without safe or sexual boundaries going all the way back to 1810.

My grandfather had to pack up my dad, my grandmother, and my two aunts and flee in the night because the neighbor found out my grandfather had slept with his wife next door. My grandmother paid the price for staying with him by getting syphilis from his cheating on her with hookers. My aunt had social services take her children away forever and put them up for adoption because my aunt brought drunks into the house who molested them.

It was no wonder my mother didn’t care when at 12 I told her I’d been molested at age 10; it was acceptable to her. It is no wonder I had no self-esteem and didn’t believe I could make it independently in life and was doomed to have to pay the codependent price for just getting through life. Then 10 years ago I decided to give it a try. 2 years later I joined DS PTSD here and found the support I needed.

I believe in disability for those of us who need it, but I wanted to see if I could retire without it, and I’m 90 days from reaching my goal now. To me it’s both part of learning to be independent and also part of learning to be honest, since my grandfather not only cheated in marriage but also cheated the government by faking disability. After he lied about being able to work and got on disability, I helped him build a house, so I saw the lie every day.

I’ll always have codependent leanings, my friend, but I am proud of the degree of independence and honesty I’ve been able to reach. I’m the first since 1810 who can look in the mirror sober without having to be drunk or high to bear the shame. I’m the first since 1810 to have any self-esteem at all and instead of being about any outside relationship it’s been an inside job supported by folks here. Sending you my support now.

Oh Miju you have been through so much also. I am sad because people can be mean and don't think of others and then we and so much more are feeling the effects.

Suncloud that would be nice but most times before covid I am going to an appointment, doing tests, going to Hospital, or having follow up appointments and too exhausted to do anything else Mon to Fri.

Secouya I have been thinking a lot about it. Not feeling like I would be worst but knowing what happened where it came to run or die. What is hard for me is when I had a brain tumor they wanted me to die etc. What would they do now since my health is so bad.

To be honest I forgave them but my body keeps score. I love God and people. Yet I have gone through things that my very Therapist heart is broken. But I can't help but be kind etc. My pastor warn me of Safety even within Community because of abusers are somewhere in my location. My pastor knows because he works with detectives etc and easy can locate basic on certain things. My pastor has tried to convince me to allow him to take action. I don't worry most times but it is hard to and harder since covid . I don't lack support but I do lack having parents etc.

Thanks Lilmissy I appreciate what you said. This week was very hard because a just got a new PCP and she already is not good to me. Her office Manager stated that she is embarrassed etc. But I need to find a PCP. I had to transfer again. Good thing is I have a lot of specialist and they are soooo nice. Also I am still not feeling well