I just logged on and up popped up your post. It could have been written by me. I have never under-stood just how much the damage done to me as a child harmed me and is still harming me. There was sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I didn't think of myself as being abused when I was young. It took until I was sharing with a group of girls in my first semester of university to bring it out. When I explained what had happened to me, one of my friends said, sort of shyly, "but Marsha, that is physical abuse". And she only knew the physical part of it.
The biggest thing that has been harmed is my ability to have long term anything, just like you describe. I've been married and divorced 4 times. (Hell, at least I tried, right?) I have a condition called fibromyalgia, which is a group of symptoms that cause memory problems, pain, fatigue, eye and skin issues, IBS, migraines, etc. So the PTSD didn't exactly pop up at the top of my list of problems. But I know that PTSD might just be at the root of all these other problems. They are all caused by a malfunction of the brain, so you can see how that might happen.
I wish I had some advice that could help you. You are still young enough to have a life. I am 66 tomorrow and I feel that my entire life has been wasted. Right now, I can't wait to leave this earth and move on to my next and, hopefully, better life. I stopped getting any kind of tests so that, maybe if I'm lucky, I will get something deadly, because this slow march to the end of my life is pure misery. I, too have few people left in my life, because of all these issues I have. I go days and days without even talking to people and would be completely isolated if it weren't for the internet.
My heart goes out to you and me. The observer in me does that. I learned about the observer, which is a life-saver, from a couple of books by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now is really worth reading. I would recommend that to you, even if it's not a panacea. It is some great advice on how to live and take care of yourself. My best to you, Freedom Flower.

Hi FF. Welcome to the forum.

Having diabetes doesn't rule out the possibilities of having good things in your life, but those good things are better if you monitor and treat the diabetes. Ditto for mental illness. My life has allot of good things rocking through it. Those good things are better when I work my mental health program to monitor and treat my dysfunctions. I do allot of that work right here in this forum.

Welcome aboard, FF. Hope you find healing companionship here.

Thank you both for your comments. It makes such a difference to know that people are out there who care.

Marsha, I was particularly touched by your post. Thank you so much for offering me words of comfort when you are in so much pain yourself.
I actually read "The Power of Now" a few years ago and keep thinking that I want to read it again.

Arfie, thanks for reminding me that there are always positives. I have lots of good things in my life and I am grateful for them. One very good, and new thing is the 12 step programme...and finding people who are working it too.

Whoa, I've got PTSD AND diabetes. AND chronic kidney disease. Ouch. I'm not that ok.

I'm better off with my PTSD than I have been at some stages of my life, though. It's the diabetes and the CKD are taking their toll. No marriage, no family, no kids, no home. However, I'm 58, and I do have a career and I'm thankful for that. Meaningful work gives me purpose.

Support groups over the years have kept me going, along with therapists. Seeing people exchange oldies but goodies like The Power of Now here today reminds me of what got me through back when and that they can do it again. Thanks for that. I hope support here helps you, too.

Go to school - reinvent yourself - what do you have to lose...? You are ok - you know what you have to do. You can do anything that you imagine - just start. I did and yes - I watched my husband shoot himself. Be strong - you can do it - pray more - worry less.

Who is OK? Life is an opportunity to continuously discover and digest our not okayness to feel okay only to see again that we're not. That's not to say that we don't experience joy and happiness. We don't take them for granted when we see life through the right perspective.
There is an arrogance to life for a time being when we feel confident that our lives are good. They are good but a humble attitude, a clear seeing that not okayness if ever present amidst the okayness gives is the healthiest most mature way to live and actually experience real happiness.

If you enjoyed the power of now. Watch Mooji on YouTube.

I am also not ok... I have a chronic condition that I live with every day known as rosacea. I've had family troubles growing up, too. PTSD and anxiety are a regular aspect to my life... but those are only parts of my life, things that have happened to me. They don't have to be my whole life. Talking to others is a big first step. (((HUGS))) Way to go on taking that step!

Thank you everyone for leaving comments. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me and I sat up for most of the night reading this forum and another one. This morning I woke up to more messages and it was great. I really appreciate the support.

I've started re reading "The Power of Now".

And I really like this sentence: "Life is an opportunity to continuously discover and digest our not okayness to feel okay only to see again that we're not." Thanks for sharing this, hygeia4life.

Ten years ago I went through a similar transformation, although this present one feels more difficult and painful. Back then, I discovered "positive thinking", and it takes me far, sometimes, but I've come to the conclusion that I also need to acknowledge my pain.

It's OK not to feel OK all the time and there is no right or wrong way to deal with feeling bad, as long as it helps you personally.

Thanks for the hugs, JennAdeleK, I am sending you some too. :)

Positive thinking helps me allot more while I am in pain than it does during those ideal moments. Positive thinking happens quite naturally in ideal moments. I don't even have to think about it. Just appreciate.

While I am in pain, positive thinking keeps me reminded and appreciative of the world outside my pain. I don't get so lost in my pain when I can appreciate a few positives in the world. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Yeah, ^it^ hurts, but there are comforting wonders to compensate.

I can so relate to what you are going through. Here recently I have come to that conclusion in my life. Things are not okay. I have a great career a nice home a pretty strong relationship with my higher power, but there is this part of me that I keep shut off and closed away. It keeps me from getting close to people, forming friendships and has made the idea of being in romantic relationship a deep fear and impossibility even at age 46. I have never allowed myself to acknowledge the deep scars of emotional abuse that I experienced all through my childhood and even into my early adult years from both my parents. It has definitely impacted the way I look at life, at people and myself. It's time for me to come out the darkness. I want to share with you something that I am looking into and actually will begin in few months it's called ACA or ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ Its like a 12step program that offer face to face meetings designed much like A.A for adult children of Alcoholics and or dysfunctional families. I have a twin sister that has been attending for over a year now and I am seeing the tremendous impact it has been having in bringing healing and wholeness back to your life. They have face to face and online meetings all over the US. I'm hoping it helps me the way it has been helping her. We are never to old to turn things around.