Blue, I sure had those feelings. But not all, not because I deserved it...
In the midst of the worse I met the right one.
He listened, he supported, he loved me no matter what, and there were a lot of whats. He made me believe I was worth better.

Though not a happy ending, because cancer doesn't care, but we all have that ending in some way. But while he was here, I learned.

The right one doesn't change to suit you, they just do. The right one doesn't need to change, because they already are good for you.

Hugs and healing thoughts.
J.

Just sending you a hug.

So sorry you're blue ... Blue .....

I think all of us have felt this way. I sure have. I have done the cliche of marrying a women like my mother, who was my original abuser. My first choice tried to kill me, twice. My second choice gave away my dog when I was at work. If I had given up then I wouldn't have met my wife and wouldn't have my son. Yes there are a lot of ups and downs with her, but he makes my life worth something. So yes the lows hurt but without them I wouldn't have the highs. Even when I feel I deserve the worst and brought it on myself, I've got to accept that I deserve the the good times and brought those on myself also.

"No Right to Whine" was my theme song back in my days of psychotic breakdowns and out-of-control rages. I find myself grateful that I cannot remember the words this morning.

My own emotions don't respond to "The Bill of Rights" or other logical mandates, no matter how much military discipline I throw at them. To the contrary, the more I attempt to control them, the more out-of-control they seem to become. Does my heart have a mind of its own? Who's the boss?

Pain is pain, blue. It exists to let us know something is wrong. Put away your self-flagellating whip and get out the first aid kit.

Doctor Arf prescribes lots of rest, moderate exercise, lots of fluid and soft foods.

Gotta run. The Fraud Task Force is here to remind me I am just a patient.

(Hugs) blue I am sorry that happened. It is not your fault.

Ow. Just yesterday I opened up to somebody about a friend who turned on me years ago. Not a boyfriend, but a close personal friend since childhood. Through high school I went through the murder of his dad with him, to court weekly for 3 years, until the murderer was convicted and jailed.

But now he's jealous that I was more popular in high school than him? Who cares about 1975 high school days now? He says that I only supported him going to court with him to get into the spotlight.

Yeah, right.

People can disappoint, can't they, blue? I know what you mean.

Blue, many hugs.

shit I whine all the time in my journal. nobodys going to read it so go for it bitch on. its good to keep people out until you get your people straight
you need some music. some fucking theme music. whats it be blue?

I read your journal, 11X5... Dunno, music doesn't ground me.
Hurting myself grounds me, but I am trying not to do that.

THat's nto grounding, Blue, that's self-punishment to validate the nasty negative inner BS-spewer. In my humble opinion as one who teeters on the brink fo self-harm waaay more than I like to admit.

Maybe ground yourself by screaming, "Dam* it, I didn't deserve this sh*t!"? My p-doc says that helps. I have yet to try it.