The thing is I have seen doctors but it's like they don't take anything I say serious. They say I have a choice, and that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's just a lot going on. I wish my trauma didn't happen to me, why was I so stupid. why couldn't I have just opened my mouth. I feel like I have no way out

There is always a way, and if circumstances force you to move away from where you are maybe you will end up somewhere where you can get help from people who know what they're talking about and don't spout stupidities like "Stop feeling sorry for yourself".

What is the choice they are asking you to make when they say "You have a choice"?

Also, I urge you to go to the support group unless you know for a fact that they are not supportive. Getting out and getting some in-person support would be really good for you. Unless they are going to be unhelpful and blaming ... How have they been in the past?

Back in 2011 I had it all going for me; a car, a job, friends or so I thought, a sense of family, I was going to school. I had money. It's just alot going on right now. This whole thinking i'm a bad person or always have been is what's holding me back too. I have some friends that are saying i'm the only one holding myself back. they are right but don't know how to get over this. I am scared to go to sleep because I am afraid of what I might do when I wake up. I am getting tired of being always in fear. why cant things go right or better for me instead of always bad

I'm sorry things have turned so bad for you.

If there is an answer to the question "why?" I don't know it. I'm pretty sure things are just going to go back to the way they were by themselves. You have every reason and every right to be angry and sad and furious and frustrated about that. You probably need to acknowledge and accept your feelings and your right to have those feelings. It would probably do you a lot of good to express all the hurt, anger, frustration and whatever else you feel. Just own everything that you feel and let it out. I think maybe it would be a big relief to you.

And then you can move on and deal with your new reality. Whatever your situation is today, it won't stay that way forever. But today, this is what you need to deal with, in whatever small ways you can. In that way you will begin to move forward.

* I'm pretty sure things are NOT going to just go back to the way they were by themselves.

I don't know all you have been through but who needs workers or friends like that. I have been at the same crossroads you are in before in my life. I became homeless and I had no car, no job, no money I had nothing and I'm ok today. I went to a woman homeless shelter and they helped me with everything from going to school to finding a new place to live that was very safe to even helping me figure out how to get a car. Anything and everything is possible. I have been homeless 3 times before and I'm still ok and you will be too. Please talk to people and don't let people tell you you have a choice that you're the problem. It will get better. Were here for you.

My grandson had a regression this morning. He woke up feeling clingy and wanted to go back to the day when he was small enough to carry with ease. Alas, he keeps right on getting bigger and, already, Grammy can barely lift him out of his crib, much less let him ride my hip while I make his breakfast one handed. I miss those days, too, but life goes on. We don't get to go back. Keeping our attention on what is lost only blinds us to what we have gained.

But that be a dominant quality of PTSD, ?no? That nasty aspect of the past holding us hostage from our future. . . Sigh. . . Like it or not, understand it or not, it is what it is. I take it play by play.

Just rambling. . .

Hope you catch a break soon. Gentle support while you sort.

Your situation sounds like the perfect storm, but you are certainly not alone. We are all right there with you. And when I say with you I mean with you. I know myself I have the worst luck, there is always something going wrong, odd, weird stuff that just does not happen to other people. My sister always says if it is going to happen to someone it will be you.

I know you are feeling down and it is hard to get a grip on what is happening right now but you need a plan. Perhaps it is time to move into town? There you could enjoy more freedom of movement, independence, self-reliance and more social events. It might just be a good thing? Maybe you should write up a pro's and con's list about moving into town? Maybe moving is a good thing because you can purge some stuff that reminds you of the trauma? It might not be all bad once you see the pro's and con's list.

It might also be easier to get a job in town too? Would you be able to look into programs for jobs for people with disabilities? I know where I live there is a placement firm that works only with people with disabilities to help them find work. There is also the Canada Mental Health Associate and they help to find jobs as well. Right now the employment market is tough for sure, so find the resources and use them. Ask your therapist, she should be able to help.

My therapist and I have worked on the problem of all this negative stuff happening to me. What she said to me made sense and I now understand it. She told me that PTSD gets us stuck, it tricks your brain into see only the negative stuff, not the good. It keeps us dwelling on the negative, repeating trauma and makes us feel like a helpless victim. She told me I need to stop thinking like a victim, and start making choices, seeing things differently in order to get unstuck. After years of counselling and hospitals etc, I can say she is right. My thinking has changed and I go out of my way to find gratitude and positives everyday. I try and look at negatives as opportunities and I now ask myself, "can I change this situation?". If the answer is no, then I stop worrying and start forming solutions.

Why worry if I cannot change something or it might not even happen, it just makes me feel bad. You said you might get evicted, you do not know for sure, but stop for a minute and obverse how your body feels. It is likely tense, muscles clenched, aches and pains, stomach upset, and maybe a headache. Now think, what if I do not get evicted? You have made yourself sick over nothing. Now think what if I get evicted? Can you change that? No. Ok, so I need a plan of attack. By doing this you have made a choice not to make yourself sick over something you cannot change. You have taken control this empowers you, you are no longer the victim, you have broken free from PTSD and its strangle hold.

You may not be at this point yet, and I apologize if any of this offended you. It was not intended to . I just want you to know that I am with you and that I too was sick of all the bad crap in my life and that it is possible to change it. It is possible to get well from this, it is possible to make choices to feel better. I hope you can get there soon!

Neurobiology is a *beyotch*. To some extent, blame evolution---remembering negative keeps you alive in a snake-brain kind of way---but when our brains get into the groove of a certain way of thinking? Changing it is *hard*. Meds can help (they help me), and so does therapy. It's work. But it's not work you can't do. It's work you control---how much you feel you can do at any one time, etc.

The phenomenon on a biological level is the same as with my epilepsy. The more seizures I have, the more likely my brain is to continue having seizures (it's called kindling in seizures)--- it's the same thing that has us taking the same route to a job we may no longer hold. It takes *time*....

So give yourself time, okay? Time, and forgiveness. I'm working on those myself. My brain is trained to assume I'm going to be hurt and am not worth a darn, so it's hard to break out of fear-reacting and really *think*.

Gentle support.

Thanks everyone for the nice words, I am trying it's just so hard ya know? I have noticed that weekends and nights are the hardest. It's like I'm scared to go to sleep, has any of you had that worry or problem?

I've been scared to sleep off and on.

Look into homeless shelters, definitely...if you have a bicycle? Keep it. If you can sell stuff and GET a bicycle? Do so, get also two chains and two locks, lock it really well all the time.

Sell everything you don't immediately need. If you have friends who can keep mementoes for you, please ask them to, box them up neatly and mail them.

Remember, focus on your breath, focus on doing the very next thing.