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I spent this weekend at a nice retreat in beautiful, nature surroundings in CT. The retreat was for people like me that were born and raised in a cult and now are former members. The retreat was amazing! I had the opportunity of providing and receiving support to/from people that perfectly understand what it is to live in a high demand, abusive or scamming group.
This is the second time I go, but though there were some familiar faces from last year, there were also new people I met and was able to connect with immediately. It was great to connect in such powerful and intimate way with people I don't know or barely know.
I learned a lot from the workshops that deal with a lot of how growing in a cult affected our formation and our lives now, even decades after leaving for some people (pretty much everyone there was talking about PTSD and OCD)
As people were talking about their experiences and their struggles, I felt sad that all I kept thinking was "I'm just waiting for the money-related or sexual abuse-related story, or both". Pretty much every single person present went through the same abusive hell from either family members, cult leaders, other cult members, etc.
The unique situation of having born in the cult as opposed of people who joined, is that we never had a healthy frame of reference. There was never a life "before or after" the cult. Especially cults that have to do with recovery, what the hell does that is born in a recovery cult has to recover from?
Anyway, I came home feeling very happy, empowered, feeling sane and uplifted. Immediately after the wonderful weekend I felt back to the harassing neighbors, my stupid boss, and the same day-to-day nonsense.
Typically I sort of prepare for coming back home, but this time I just felt so sad, depressed and angry for the hostility I am constantly surrounded with here at home in my area and at work.
So I definitely decided to start seriously looking to change that; not sue what that means, but I had it with the way my life is. I just don't understand the harassment and people's assholeness. Whatever, I'm done.
This is the second time I go, but though there were some familiar faces from last year, there were also new people I met and was able to connect with immediately. It was great to connect in such powerful and intimate way with people I don't know or barely know.
I learned a lot from the workshops that deal with a lot of how growing in a cult affected our formation and our lives now, even decades after leaving for some people (pretty much everyone there was talking about PTSD and OCD)
As people were talking about their experiences and their struggles, I felt sad that all I kept thinking was "I'm just waiting for the money-related or sexual abuse-related story, or both". Pretty much every single person present went through the same abusive hell from either family members, cult leaders, other cult members, etc.
The unique situation of having born in the cult as opposed of people who joined, is that we never had a healthy frame of reference. There was never a life "before or after" the cult. Especially cults that have to do with recovery, what the hell does that is born in a recovery cult has to recover from?
Anyway, I came home feeling very happy, empowered, feeling sane and uplifted. Immediately after the wonderful weekend I felt back to the harassing neighbors, my stupid boss, and the same day-to-day nonsense.
Typically I sort of prepare for coming back home, but this time I just felt so sad, depressed and angry for the hostility I am constantly surrounded with here at home in my area and at work.
So I definitely decided to start seriously looking to change that; not sue what that means, but I had it with the way my life is. I just don't understand the harassment and people's assholeness. Whatever, I'm done.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Yours sounds really special. If you feel like sharing, would you think of sharing the name of it via message? I was raised in a pretty fanatical religious family, and it sounds appealing to me.
Sorry for the let down coming home. If I recall correctly, your boss had become especially butt-headed as of late. Hope you can tap back into the uplift of the retreat for what you need to face the everyday now. Good to hear from you.
Work does consume way too much of our lives to let it be miserable. Hope you find good ways to improve the situation.
Come to think of it, the military is a kind of cultish thing too, as we get indoctrinated and can no longer function independently.
Thanks for sharing :)
The retreat I went to was organized by some people who are mental health professionals that specialize in people who are recovering from high demand, controlling and abusive groups (many of which are considered cults). Some of the organizers are members of ICSA, but they have their own private practice.
If you go to the ICSA website (icsahome dot com), they have other workshops and conferences in several areas of the country and outside the USA.
I really appreciate your kind words and support. I need it. At work things are manageable, but manageable isn't good enough for me anymore. I need better, I deserve better.
Interesting that during the retreat I saw a parallel between the cult I grew up in and the place where I work. My workplace isn't a cult of course, but the group dynamic is very, very similar and I fucking hate it. I kept talking about how I constantly feel in this hyper vigilant state, just like when I was in the cult. But I'm doing something about it. I do have a healthy spirituality now, so I do trust that the opportunity for the right move will arrive at the right time; all I have to do is the leg work.
In the long journey from there to my current place in suburbia, I have become convinced that 90% of human interaction is based on assumption and innuendo. We carry tremendous volumes of it into our work relations. I.F. you are one of my co-workers, I'll bet ya dollars to donuts that you are assuming me to be Mrs Jon Q Normal and yes, it is making me meaner than a rattlesnake. I can't help it if I would rather bite than tell yet another AssUmptive fool my truths. Odds are you will vomit another rant-full of assumption over it anyway.
When I first started carrying the conditioning I learned in the back of that station wagon into a workplace, I was as assumptive as humans come. My greatest progress came from questioning my own AssUmptions and taking the time to learn about the hidden truths of my co-workers.
But I still snap at AssUmptive children. No question about it. This bitch bites... But I get back to wagging tail as quick as I can.
They call the groups or relationships that were highly demanding, controlling or abusive. A battered woman that believes deserves mistreatment can fall into that category. She's influenced to believe in a different normal...
Anyway, the ICSA website looks ugly and like it's a bogus site. Sadly ICSA doesn't believe in updating their technology (trust me, I tried). Also, there are other sites from professionals who are members and have private practices and support groups. They are: leonafurnari.com, blgoldberg.com and cultrecover.com.
I hope this can help somebody.
I am really glad that you were able to go to the retreat and allow yourself to feel happiness afterwards, that is a positive step.
Holly
Don't know if this is the same for you, but I sometimes feel like certain experiences feel like a wall. You can't explain to the average person, nor would you really want to, but all the same it feels like a wall. For instance, I can feel happy and comfortable around a pretty small number of people; aside from that, I often feel cut off for no specific reason other than stuff I just can't explain.
What you might have felt on the retreat is the immense relief of really being known.
I'm also doing something about the harassing neighbors. I just need a LOT of patience since I want to do everything (a) by the book (b) at the right time and (c) legally. Sadly, doing the right thing or the wrong way is more a dreadful process than taking matters in my own hands. Oh well.
Thanks you so much for posting. I am an ex-member of a "high demand" group and have been dealing anger, confusion, "stuckness", depression, anxiety...lots of things...for many years before and after leaving. It's a real tough thing. Just reading your story and experience from the retreat is re-assuring and helpful. Thanks also for posting the links to actual, active, ex-member counsellors. I have looked into the ICSA and the retreats on offer but the price of admission and travel don't allow me to attend. Maybe I will one day. It sounds like it would be very helpful to learn the details from the experts, and fellow VICTIMS (it's so hard for me to believe I could be a victim!), inperson and have a chance to just focus on this stuff for once. Hope you're doing better at work. For myself, I ended up leaving the work force completely. It was possible - I decided to and the way to a much better situation did appear for me. Anyway, hope it's all getting better. And thanks again.