Hi everybody,

I'm new here and I need help. I don't know where to start so I am going to try to start at the beginning. I apologize in advance if this post appears long and convoluted.

I was raised in a household by a drug addict who had multiple personalities due to trauma in their childhood. As they say, the cycle of abuse often continues.

I was in and out of therapy throughout my teens years and successfully completed enough cognitive behavioral therapy for my abuse that my therapist reached a point they could no longer help me. I had flashbacks until I was roughly 18 and then they stopped. I assumed I knew everything there was left for me to know and managed to put it all behind me.

I started flash-backing again about a year and a half ago (nearly 10 years after my last flashback) and these flashes are different. Rather than abuse at the hands of family, these memories revolve around the year and a half I spent in a child sex trafficking ring (and no, I am not joking). I managed to verify that my memories are real (as I am sure you all know how nerve-wrecking that can be!) and ended up back in therapy with a new symptom last year: Survivor's Guilt.

I managed to escape the ring when I was almost ten and was shipped half way across the country to live with other people in my family. I met with the new therapist a few times this last year and she ultimately ended up telling me I'm well adjusted enough, and have enough positive coping skills for flashbacks, that there's nothing she can do to help me handle PTSD or Survivor's Guilt any better than I currently am (though she said she remained available if I ever needed someone to "listen").

I find the flashbacks difficult to handle because I have an eidetic memory. When my flash-backs hit, they hit me with full force: smell, taste, sensation, touch... and my brain can't distinguish between me being in a flash-back and me being conscious/awake. The extra senses I feel make everything more difficult to handle; when they come in my sleep, I often don't know I'm reliving flash-backs until I wake up present and in my bed.

This set of flash-backs is different in nature than my previous ones; rather than just short clips of me being beaten at the hands of family this includes me being (literally) sold to people for sex and torture. I was in a ring being shipped from house to house (or dungeon to dungeon) for a year and a half. At some point I gave up on ever escaping and saving myself; I hit a desperate low as a child and it haunts me in my sleep. When I have flash-backs in the form of dreams I can't tell they are dreams because even those have senses.

A few weeks ago I had flashbacks every night for six nights in a row; it lasted for so long that I was beginning to wonder which reality was "real." I questioned whether the me now with an amazing husband and loving daughter was just a dream that child-me was generating to help keep her sanity.

... and then today hit. I don't know what it is about today but I had the worst flash-back episode I've ever had. Ever. I didn't sleep well last night and found myself exhausted today; I attempted to get an hour of sleep in the afternoon but found myself so scared at the thought of sleep I had my first panic attack. I found myself jittery and anxious, my heart racing and my ears ringing. Even my worst episodes as a teen didn't include panic attacks, and I couldn't even tell you why I had one (though I suppose if I flash-backed in my sleep last night but don't remember it, that might explain it). I slept for 40 minutes tops.

After we laid my daughter down to bed this evening, my husband crawled into bed with me because he knows I was under the weather today. We lounged and chatted like we always do (this time it was mostly me talking about how "off" and exhausted I felt, and how sorry I was for it) and then he decided he was going to go upstairs and play video games. He turned off the light and shut the door (not uncommon, I tend to sleep best in cold, dark, quiet places) and I was hit by a paralyzing fear the likes of which I've never had to deal with.

I found myself terrified of the dark. The moment the door shut and the blackness enveloped me I found myself sobbing hysterically and shaking so hard I was near vomiting. My husband ended up coming back to the room but not before I started getting hit with flash-backs. I can't even begin to tell you how many I had in a row but it was like a cascade of dominoes falling into place, and I did not handle it well.

He managed to get me sitting upright (thank goodness he is retired military and has gone through PTSD training!) and managed to help ground me, but during the entire episode (15-20 minutes?) I mostly sat sobbing hysterically, gasping for air as huge waves of panic, anxiety, and sadness hit. I found myself unable to speak full sentences and found myself rubbing my fists in my eyes as I pulled at my hair.

Even in my worst as a teen I had never pulled at my hair. I think I had a full psychotic break tonight and it has me deeply concerned. Once my husband managed to get me outside he was able to "jolt" me back into reality (it is VERY cold where I live right now and I was in shorts and a tank top) and I feel okay. I spent an hour or so trying to understand, sort, and compartmentalize what I had recalled, and my husband managed to keep me from falling to pieces (for the most part!).

I do not feel suicidal, just deeply withdrawn. I'm exhausted but wide awake (I can't get the images out of my mind) and am concerned if another episode like this ever happens I might not mentally pull through it. I refuse to let these memories break me now when they couldn't break me then.

I considered trying to schedule a follow-up appointment with my new therapist (who said she's there if I need to talk) but I'm not sure that's going to change anything. I realize the fact I had a full-out episode and managed to recover within the same hour is more than any therapist could ever ask for. I realize my sleep concerns this evening are valid, and I have things I can do to keep myself busy, but I'm scared.

I am scared for my own mental health even if things seem okay. I've never had an attack like this, and panic attacks are new to me as a whole. I understand it was probably prompted by the quantity of flash-backs all at once and by the content that was in them, I just don't know who to reach out to or what to reach out for.

I have friends but I don't feel comfortable burdening them with this. I'm not ready to tell my husband yet what I recalled (and he's kind enough not to ask), I just want to know if any of you have been through this?

Darkness and being alone have never been a trigger for me, so I'm at a loss here. I'm on Prozac (an anti-anxiety/depression medication) used to treat something different so I don't feel the need to go seek medication, I just don't know what to do with all of these new memories.

The abuse I can handle; the trafficking this time around ... not so much. I'm also new to Survivor Syndrome and though I understand it academically, and I am slowly learning how to cope having survived (and knowing other people didn't), I am far from having a mastery on it.

I'm sorry for writing so much and I appreciate any of you who have taken the time to read this far. I will do my best to get to my point quickly here:

Have any of you dealt with things like this before?

How do you handle panic attacks?

For those of you who have Survivor Syndrome in addition to your PTSD, how do you handle it?

Are there any techniques/tools for dealing with the emotional fall-out of Survivor Syndrome you find useful that are different than that of regular flash-backs?

And how do you forgive yourself? I realize I'm an adult now, and I was a powerless child then, but even child me wanted to save everyone (which is probably how I ended up with Survivor's Guilt in the first place).

Also, for those of you who have eidetic memories, what do you do to distinguish your past reality from your current reality?

Thank you in advance everybody. I'm sorry if this was too long for a regular forum post.