I am so stressed, scared, depressed, anxious right now.

Someone i really careabout is struggling bad and pushing me away and everyone. There is only one person they allow around, my fiance so i am alone 90 percent of the time but they need him bad right now. PLease do not ask for who or details. I am just hurting so bad that i can not be any help ,nothing i saw or do is good. I get told they hate me and then that htey love me. I cant explain what this is doing to me. i just want to help and there is nothing i can do. I can not stand a love one hurting like this! Please prayers good thoughts anything! a friend is picking me up for a bit tomorrow i have gifts for her and her 5 yr old, well the ones that have arrived. She was going to come here but i need out bad so shes picking me up. Its going to be hard leaving the house but i need too. Also have my alarm set so i can call my thearpists office first thing and try to get in with her, shes only in tomorrow until a week later. 

Also not great health news for me. So many know my eyes were damaged almost 9 years ago from 5 doses of topamax. I had told the neurologist at the hosptial i was inpatient for a weird 3 week migraine, that i did not want it after the first dose was makign thigns blurry. He said ok. He kept sneaking it to me i found out when i was discharged with a script. My eyes had improved last year quite a bit and i was able to no longer need prisms nad got the okay to drive again (but cant drive right now due to my legs go numb on and off from my spinal stenosis pinching my nerves bad) well my eyes have progressed worse again, 500 dollars for new glasses again with prisms once again and a must stronger prescription esspeically on the left. Dont have the money, but my mom insisted my fiance take the money. We both told her She IS getting paid back whether monthly or when we get taxes back her choice or a combo of the two. We also still have no stove/oven but thats nto importnant right now, we are managing cooking without one. The eye dr did not want me waiting until april or may or so i will keep having eye pain and migraines without new glasses asap. and im struggling to read again it just blurs and doubles. anything near is what is doubling anything up to about 8 to 10 feet away. mainly up to 5 feet but it does go further the closer the worst it is. which before was a bit different. 

So back at end of july on my birthday i went to the foot dr who i trusted fully for glass in my foot, in the xray she found a stress fracture as well which i did not feel any pain from at all. She had me come bak about 2 months later maybe a little more and i had another fracture a hairline fracture going thru most of the bone in my foot and she said it was not healing quite right but i had no pain and she said it would be fine. did not need a follow up she said. I saw my Physical thearpist a few days later and she was so upset i was not in a boot. She contacted my PCP who i saw as well and they had me order one. I been in it since. My PT was thinking i should be able to be out of the boot so had my PCP do an xray on Thursday. Well even the xray reader cant thing of the name, but the Dr that reads them says i need an MRI. . I guess the bone really healed bad, i will have life long issues, it may need to be rebroke in surgery and set etc Do not know anything for sure yet except i need to travel almost 3 hours away for an MRI even furture north in upper michigan than i already am in dead of winter. Can i ever win? I have not had pain specfically in that one spot but i keep getting shoot pain in the big toe and some other toes and thru my foot now we think this is why. Needless to say i will not be without the boot cast for a long time. I am lookign for a new podiatrist ,ours i the only one in our area looking an hour away. I will NOT be goign back to ours and i have to be seen for diabetic shoes which are the only shoes i can wear without severe pain. 

I am in touch with my mental health team very often right now. My shirnks nurse is suppose to call tomorrow to get me in because my ride fell threw this past monday and i need to be seen before the next appt they had in February. He did double my seroquel over the phone, we are watching about weight gain due to in the past i was on 1200 mg and gained 140 pounds in a year. I have lost 5 ponds in teh last couple weeks .I was at 25 to 50 mg three times a day as needed it is now 50 to 100 mg 3 times a day. I cant stop shaking and crying otherwise and still do shake some and cry a lot. I am doing all ic an to be okay. My dogs are very concerned, those who have dogs know what i mean. Our 7 month old puppy is on me almost 24/7 she knows im not doing well and we had started training her to be my thearpy dog since mine passed away 13 months ago. 

There is no Christmas this year, Yes i celebrate Jesus i know not all do but otherwise no Christmas. Not even sure if i can wrap the gifts or just hand them out. Did spoil our furbabies and moms big time thanks to chewys sales and 30 dollars if you spend 100 etc. I just wnat them to be happy and healthy i dont wnat to stress them out but i cant help breaking down so much. I hope my shrink sees me this week. They do not do over the computer at home anymore but praying they will make an exception if needed. If i can not get a ride. I am doing the best i can. Yes i get self harm urges no i am not reacting to them i am fighting them off. No i do not get any thoughts of drinking (i keep getting asked) i WILL get my 12 years sober 2 days after Christmas i promsied my Dad on his death bed i would never self harm or drink again and i wont break that promise. NEVER! I love him and miss him so much I am also majorly grieving my 5 babies i miscarried first one 19 1/2 years ago last today of 2010 3 days before christmas. I havnet told anyone i dont wnat bring anyone down. So ive also had no support for it. Please i just need support i am in NO WAY suicidal or anything i just need support to support a loved oen from a distance. I am trying so hard.