Kids are sleeping. I thought let’s rest. I needed to write some things out to go over with a lawyer tomorrow. I’m not sure my lawyer is giving trustworthy advice but I know a good man who knows a lawyer he’d trust. This man is a friend of mine, not looking for anything but to help me if he can. I have known him for years and he knows sooo little, but enough to know I have a lot of heaviness right now. I trust his judgment of people. So I asked if he knew anyone that might let me ask some legal questions and he said yes! 

So I meet the guy tomorrow. I’m nervous. My anxiety has been completely unmanageable lately. I may very well excuse myself to do jumping jacks in the bathroom lol. My breathing gets intense. But I wrote notes down and then in case I’m still at a loss for words, I wrote down word for word what I need to say/ask about each of the points. It’s so hard to say certain things that sometimes when I am searching my brain for words, all I see is darkness. I also plan on taking notes to stay present. I told E that I’m nervous and afraid his attorney friend won’t understsnd or that my anxiety will frustrate him and he said he’s sure I’m in good hands but that he’d sit with me if I wanted him to. If it would make me more comfortable. He said if I’d be more nervous he doesn’t want that. I think I’d be more nervous. I don’t know what follow up questions there will be and I don’t want E knowing these things. Aside from the fact that it’s embarrassing, I like to keep my feeling words and personal issues within my gender. I have no interest in changing our relationship, nor he me. He’s someone who respects my space and boundaries. Not wanting to hug is absolutely ok. Not wanting to say certain things is absolutely okay. He’s a good friend. I want to keep it that way. Some people react differently when you start sharing personal details. He has a wife and several kids and I just don’t want to invade that. I’ve known him a long time. He’s like a good safe big brother. I don’t want to ruin that. 

All this to say that I did sit down and prep myself as planned but it made me so nervous and in some ways I’m back in the boat where I feel like others might call me ridiculous. 

Today’s goal is to be present. Kids got worn out this morning. They should wake soon and when they do we will open presents and get worn out all over again! I’m breathing. I’m taking care of me. When my mother facetimes the family I’ll head outside and we will go to the park. I refuse to be a part of the phone call that gets me trapped in a situation where I’m looking at my brother and he’s wanting to talk to my kids. I refuse to thibk about him or his voice tonight. Thinking of better things. If I’m present and enjoying what is, I won’t be so anxious and afraid that I dream of him or the others. At least that’s the goal