Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I recently began therapy with an amazing psychologist. His technique is so different than anything I've personally experienced, which really isn't much. Rather than just listening to me, he speaks up and explains things about the mind and various survival instincts that I don't fully understand. This approach seems to be just what I've needed.
A few days ago we talked about the internal battles I face and the harshness in how I treat myself. We brainstormed ideas on what need this self hatred is fulfilling, because every single thing we do is for a reason. After that, I asked to talk about my sister. I explained that she and I have been inseparable for the past 15 years. Many people have commented on the unique relationship we have always shared and have wished for something half as strong. She has been my rock through so many struggles in my life (facing death several times, dissolution of my marriage, my father and other sister abandoning me at my death bed, and my son's treatment and recovery from cancer, and more).
All of these traumas have happened within 2 years and many times she was the only one who knew how I was handling things because she was my light in a very dark place. But the moment my 2 year old was diagnosed with cancer, my walls grew so tall and so strong that not even she was allowed to peer inside anymore.
During my son's treatment, she had her first baby and I got to be in the delivery room. It was an overwhelming time as I was caught between wanting to cry tears of joy for her as well as run to hide in the closest dark hole because the pain was too real. I was stuck between bliss for her, and despair for me with the knowledge that I can't have any more children and the one I do have may die. It was a beautiful torture.
My sister is still the same person. She loves my son as her own and she is pained in knowing there's something wrong with me. She's still the same rock and supporter and encourager she's always been. But I'm not the same person I've always been. When she comes over (nearly every single day), I let out a silent sigh. I don't want to be around her. I don't want to play with my niece. I want to be alone with my child... And it absolutely kills me.
My brain doctor (I like that term better than psychologist) tells me she's my trigger. Which, logically, I already knew... But it sure hurt hearing him say it. He said she is the living and breathing representation of all the pain from which I have not yet begun to heal. She is a reminder of everything I have lost; ability to have more children, ability to breast feed, a husband, a family, a healthy child, absence of medical bills... My sister is my trigger, and it's just not fair.
A few days ago we talked about the internal battles I face and the harshness in how I treat myself. We brainstormed ideas on what need this self hatred is fulfilling, because every single thing we do is for a reason. After that, I asked to talk about my sister. I explained that she and I have been inseparable for the past 15 years. Many people have commented on the unique relationship we have always shared and have wished for something half as strong. She has been my rock through so many struggles in my life (facing death several times, dissolution of my marriage, my father and other sister abandoning me at my death bed, and my son's treatment and recovery from cancer, and more).
All of these traumas have happened within 2 years and many times she was the only one who knew how I was handling things because she was my light in a very dark place. But the moment my 2 year old was diagnosed with cancer, my walls grew so tall and so strong that not even she was allowed to peer inside anymore.
During my son's treatment, she had her first baby and I got to be in the delivery room. It was an overwhelming time as I was caught between wanting to cry tears of joy for her as well as run to hide in the closest dark hole because the pain was too real. I was stuck between bliss for her, and despair for me with the knowledge that I can't have any more children and the one I do have may die. It was a beautiful torture.
My sister is still the same person. She loves my son as her own and she is pained in knowing there's something wrong with me. She's still the same rock and supporter and encourager she's always been. But I'm not the same person I've always been. When she comes over (nearly every single day), I let out a silent sigh. I don't want to be around her. I don't want to play with my niece. I want to be alone with my child... And it absolutely kills me.
My brain doctor (I like that term better than psychologist) tells me she's my trigger. Which, logically, I already knew... But it sure hurt hearing him say it. He said she is the living and breathing representation of all the pain from which I have not yet begun to heal. She is a reminder of everything I have lost; ability to have more children, ability to breast feed, a husband, a family, a healthy child, absence of medical bills... My sister is my trigger, and it's just not fair.
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
Is there any way to take your sis to a therapy session with you? So she can hear from a "professional" why things are the way they are, and that it's nothing she's doing on purpose, etc.? So she might be able to find a way to still be there for you without being quite so triggering? Some way to work together?
I ask b/c my hubby does this with me---tho' he rarely triggers me--- and b/c my sister was one of my main two abusers. I know what it is to have a sibing be a trigger, but not what it is to have been close to one in a good way. So I'm talking out my back end, just.... I feel bad for you. It sucks to have trauma change how we see things and people.
Gentle purrs,
Leo
So I can only imagine what it's like to have life's circumstances, painful enough as they are, take away such a good sibling intimacy from you. I'm so sorry this happened. I don't have an answer, and it doesn't look like one is apparent. I would grieve deeply, too, if one of the best things in my life turned around and became a trigger for me. So sorry.
Hope you can find an honest an loving response. Be gentle.
Here is my take-it-or-leave-it comment:
I think the way we view people affects our feelings. What if you could step out of your relationship with her as a loving supportive sister and see her as a stranger or neighbor. What good would you see at a distance. Not just focusing on your loss or what you cannot have, but who is she as a person and how can you relate to her on another level.
We can become so familiar with family or those we are around on a daily basis in good and bad ways that we forget they are a separate personage.
I would try to keep your "trigger" at a distance you feel comfortable with if that is possible. I have person who is a "trigger" and is in my household. My therapist suggested I get all my communications together for a once a day "meeting" and let them know I will be busy the rest of the day and we can talk again tomorrow. I remind myself ahead of time they are likely to say something hurtful, but until I can move myself out of this situation I will do my best to be proactive and not reactive. Keep it short, simple, direct and know I can turn around and walk away at any time with a calm "Excuse me, I have to go for now. Have a good day."
Protect yourself, and if necessary, limit contact, etc., just know we're here for you, okay?
When she and my niece walk into the house, I don't consciously think "oh, here comes everything I've lost." I do, however, sometimes think, "blah... Can't you find something else to entertain you rather than us all the time??" Sometimes I just want space, and that's not about her, that all me and my "issues." It's little things like hearing her complain about breast feeding, watching her husband dance with my niece, or her expressing disappointment when I tell her my son and I have plans without her that brings on the dark place for me.
I'm not sure there would be a benefit in her joining me for a session for *that* reason. She knows we are different as a result of all the crap. She also knows we are different as a result if me being different. It's the elephant in the room that we ignore, hoping it will one day go away.
I told my brain doctor that this (and the ability to sleep) is the most important thing for me to focus on. This is what I want to "fix" first. He said that in order for me to begin taking down these walls with anyone, especially her, we need to first get to a place where I feel safe feeling and processing the pain that my anger is hiding from me for my protection. Makes sense. We are supposed to start next week.
Arfie, you're right. "Fair" has nothing to do with life's circumstances. And now that I recognize this crummy fact about my subconscious views of my sister's and my relationship, I'm hoping that will help change things.