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I am a male rape survivor, and recently we found out that my nephew who is 12 has been molested repeatedly by his mother, the mother's boyfriend, and the mother's boyfriend's best friend. My nephew is a good kid and is really trying to heal, but he has become very clingy with me and always wants some sort of body contact when we are sitting together. Like today I took him and my four year old nephew to see the special screening of Labyrinth and he flipped up the arm in between our seats and laid down on top of me. I was uncomfortable, not only because of my trauma, but because I don't want him to get the wrong idea about our relationship. I am his uncle, not his boyfriend, and it was just inappropriate how he was touching me. I tried to do things like shifting him off to the side and patting him on the shoulder to give him the message of "I'm there for you but sit up," but he wasnt getting the idea. I know how it is, as a survivor of sexual abuse, I attach so easily and physical touch can be comforting, but I don't know what to do. My brother was ready to kill the people who hurt Max and he is very hot headed when it comes to discussing anything that relates to the abuse, but I feel like Max is doing this because of his abuse, and I don't know how to tell him that his kid, who has been hurt so bad by the people who were supposed to take care of him is showing seriously negative effects. He has been through so much recently and I just don't want to make him feel worse, but I am uncomfortable. Does anybody have any suggestions with how to deal with this? It would be much appreciated.
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How would it be if you had a talk with him? I can imagine saying something like, "I want to talk to you about boundaries." I would start with general statements - how when you've been sexually abused within your own family it becomes very hard to know what appropriate boundaries are, but that it is important to know what people consider appropriate boundaries so you don't create problems for yourself. And then maybe get specific about behaviors that would make people uncomfortable, such as the behaviors he exhibited with you. I would want to make sure he understood specifically what I was talking about and that it DID make me uncomfortable, but I would also reassure him that it didn't change how I felt about him and that it wasn't his fault he didn't know before you talked about it.
Hmm, suggestions, well if you take him to the movies again, only take him and not the 4 year old too.
If his behavior was sexual...his father needs to know asap.
If it wasn't sexual, I would say that sit down with you and the boy's dad and tell the boy that you were abused too, and that you feel uncomfortable with such contact. Making it clear that this is YOUR issue...not his. (Because behavior like laying down on a trusted adult...IS totally normal at 12.)
As far as physical contact with kids...my son was still sleeping with me up until right around 12 (then it ended completely at his wish). My son isn't really all that touchy feeling with me anymore, but he is with his sister. My daughter is two years younger, and she too liked to sleep with me up until about 12. She's 14 now, and still sometimes, rarely does.
At 12, kids start to look grown up, but inside they're still babies, and most still sleep with stuffed animals. Just like when they fell and scraped their knee, when pre-teen issues got tough...they wanted that physical contact with me.
NO, actually NOT like when they were babies. They needed me MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more. (I remember having more or less this conversation with a parent when my kids were little...I didn't really believe her.)
For the behavior which aggravates my own wounds, such as the head in the lap at the movies, my own tactic is to gently, lovingly guide them to a position I am more comfortable with. In that instance, I might have lifted his head to lean against my shoulder (arm?) instead of allowing it to remain in my lap. No grand-standing or lectures needed. A child learns most of their morals and social skills through very subtle course corrections. Persistence and consistency rules.
For hard conversations, like the one that needs to happen with his hot-headed father, I insert much prayer (by whatever name) for guidance to the ideal words and the ideal timing. I believe timing is everything in such discussions. A few well-timed words can have far more impact than a passionate neon soap box lecture.
Gentlest of support and most sincere of admiration, Danny. Healing hopes for all, no exceptions.
I don't think you should say anything to his dad because that could go really wrong and send the message to your nephew that your not a safe adult.
I think talking to your nephew and telling him what you are uncomfortable with is the best idea because then your nephew wont feel like he did something bad.