Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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OK, not sure if this is the right place to post or if I'm even going to make sense. At my last counselling session I mentioned to my counsellor that I feel inadequate in my abilities to relate to anyone and that I will eventually mess up every relationship. She was trying to drill down a bit but we didn't get far. As homework she has asked that I journal specifically about this. I have written a few things down, but honestly, every time I try and think about it I just seem to hit a wall, my mind goes blank, I don't seem to be able to think or feel. Maybe there's nothing there to find, or maybe it's just a big lie I've spun myself and feel ashamed to face that lie.
Does any of this make any sense? I'm feeling awkward that there's nothing there to actually substantiate my feelings of inadequacy, but they've obviously grown from something in my life, which I think are areas I feel great shame and guilt about.
Over the last five years or so I have deliberately backed off in relationships, particularly any new ones. I really believe that I'm going to mess it up so why even bother letting anyone get close to you only to have them find out what you're really like and then be rejected or feel that you're unworthy of their friendship.
This situation has brought growing loneliness into my life and I'm feeling more isolated. I'm loathe to join new groups because I don't want to have to put the effort into forming new friendships only to be disappointed and hurt again. Don't get me wrong, I have some very dear close friends who really do know me. Unfortunately most of them either live interstate or overseas so we rarely get together.
Thanks for reading this far. Not sure this is even the right place to be putting this.
Does any of this make any sense? I'm feeling awkward that there's nothing there to actually substantiate my feelings of inadequacy, but they've obviously grown from something in my life, which I think are areas I feel great shame and guilt about.
Over the last five years or so I have deliberately backed off in relationships, particularly any new ones. I really believe that I'm going to mess it up so why even bother letting anyone get close to you only to have them find out what you're really like and then be rejected or feel that you're unworthy of their friendship.
This situation has brought growing loneliness into my life and I'm feeling more isolated. I'm loathe to join new groups because I don't want to have to put the effort into forming new friendships only to be disappointed and hurt again. Don't get me wrong, I have some very dear close friends who really do know me. Unfortunately most of them either live interstate or overseas so we rarely get together.
Thanks for reading this far. Not sure this is even the right place to be putting this.
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
I like to write. I used to be fairly good at it.
But the few times I've tried to write my story -- about the abuse that I suffered between 2009 and 2012 -- the abuse that I can't legally talk about, publicly -- well ... I simply can't do it.
I go pretty blank.
I think it is my mind's last line of defense.
I think about it. I have flashbacks about it. I have nightmares about it. I can even talk about it with individuals.
But when I try to put the whole story down on paper ... pffffft. Nada.
I think it's going to be a process. I think -- for me -- one day, I'm going to sit down at the keyboard ... probably with my eyes closed ... and just start typing.
And never stop.
Some of these things happen when they're ready, not when we're ready FOR them to happen.
It's not particularly cool, but ... sometimes I think that's the way it is.
I wish you peace, health, and strength.
Still, it's not like that's a real choice in life. Once you do the work, you'll find that you can slowly let people in.
I think minds go blank not because there's nothing in there, but because there's SO much, we can't latch onto anything.
I'd start by making a list of statements. Or questions. Don't try to make paragraphs of thoughts. Too much. Just type an overarching statement like (based upon what you've already typed here):
I feel inadequate.
I am afraid I will mess things up.
I can't relate to people.
I am afraid this is one big lie.
I don't trust myself.
I don't think others will like me.
I am isolating.
Get my drift? Then, go back and find examples that "prove" these statements. Don't look for a lightbulb moment; just let it flow.
I think you'll find that you'll unlock some good stuff.
My therapist said to write what and when I can and let it come as it does. A good therapist will know how to work with and eventualy around our/your "obstacles" to help get to those core facts and truths we need to sort out, IMO at least.
Gentle hugs, and you're not alone,
Leo
We're breaking taboos speaking the unspeakable, unmasking lies, pointing out when the emperor has no clothes but no one else would say so. This isn't easy. You're not alone.
If only storage space were infinite... If only those toxins didn't keep seeping through the cracks. If only "IF" was not an abbreviation for "Idiot Factor." In my personal usage, at least. I strive to get the IF out of IT.
Gentle encouragement while you sort your own unique dynamics, Ozmum.
Never thought about stuffing the closet so full that you're scared to open the door, but it's a good analogy.
I haven't asked my counsellor whether she thinks I have PTSD, but the research I've done certainly indicates that I do, though I don't get flashbacks or nightmares but have everything else very strongly, including some very strong emotional and physical reactions to certain things.
Next counselling session is the end of next week. Have a lot of things to organise with upcoming trips that I keep putting off. Things I normally would be excited about but now find a challenge.