I was not okay today. I couldn’t calm my breathing. I reached out to real life people from my reach out and touch them support groups and said I need help. I say that but it’s big. I always only ever text U. I texted her bc she doesn’t answer the phone but I didn’t just want but NEEDED someone to say words out loud to. My old counselor is a part of my church life group. Not weird at all but I’ve never called her for any type of emotional support outside of therapy. I asked if that would be okay and she said yes so I told her I’m so overwhelmed it’s hard to handle blah blah blah and she gave me great tips. Do jumping jacks. It made me breathe better. Then she said I needed to say something instead of nothing with my parents. When there are no words I’m silent and I have the option to say “I’m not discussing this with you.” Or “I’m not staying for this conversation.” And just now I remembered something from Clouds book Boundaries. Maybe I can literally just say No. it’s a tiny word. It doesn’t require explanation. She reminded me I don’t owe them anything. I was still frazzled but did my jumping jacks and touched, smelled, tasted, listened and looked at things and talked about them to ground myself. And then I called my advocate and I heard something I keep hearing. You went from one abusive/controlling situation to another controlling situation. And you’ve been through a lot. Give yourself a break. 

Group is tonight. I don’t think I’ll stay present but I’m going to try. Everything feels so big. I can’t believe it’s Christmas time

I’m proud of myself for calling two people and saying those things out loud.