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MIL Funeral

arfie
arfie
Girl howdy, I feel scummy for being grateful my beloved's illness saved me from having to go to my Mother-In-Law's funeral. I have never even felt real in the presence of my in-law's. I am thoroughly mystified as to who my in-law's think/thought I am, but for sure I do not recognize myself in their eyes. When my MIL and FIL are pouring on the syrup, I feel like I am supposed to be the daughter they never had or the woman they thought their son SHOULD have married. Blue haired sorority? When they are "speaking plainly," I am "...a not worth a twit, gold-digging piece of white trash." The last is a direct quote from what I now choose to remember as a "Huntington's Rage" from my mother-in-law. That particular rage was years before the Huntington's secret reached my family business plate, so I took it personally for a lot of years, even after I learned what a Huntington's Rage was. Even now... Forgiveness is a process... Aside from the FIL and MIL, I have not spoken to the rest of my husband's family often enough to know much about them.

I still don't understand my beloved's family. He doesn't seem to, either. I reckon all family's are hard to understand.

Not sure what to feel, if it is even my business to feel anything, whatsoever. I lost count of how many times the FIL has told me to mind my own business around his business. Five Star Confusion is the only feeling I am sure of in that corner of my life.
Rizen
Rizen
That's a complex situation. Sometimes I think it's okay to feel sorry for the loss of life even if not feeling sad for the loss of a person.
WalkinBuffaloMan
WalkinBuffaloMan
You have the right to feel whatever they are. Please remember, those hurtful words, you hold NO claim to them, only they do...
FloydLover1969
FloydLover1969
I'm sorry Arfe...(((hugs))) love Manda xx
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hugs arfie x
donnawanda
donnawanda
There's no reason for you to feel guilty about being relieved at missing that funeral. I can understand how uncomfortable it is to find yourself feeling so blank around your husband's family at this painful moment, but it's not because you're a bad person or uncaring. It was just all set up in a way that didn't allow you in in any meaningful way, and in fact your interactions with them seem well designed to bring up your defenses. The most you might find to mourn in this situation is "what might have been" but wasn't. Because what was is not really something you have any reason to miss.
arfie
arfie
A popular expression in my parent's generation was, "Not worth a twit." It was a piece of slang I never heard from my own parents and during the coast-to-coast wanderings of my birth family, I was always asking my peers whose parents used the expression, "What is a twit?" It wasn't in the dictionary in those days. The consensus which I seemed to gather was, "I dunno, but when my mom uses it, it means, "Run! The coffee clatch has started a witch hunt."

Both the MIL and FIL loved their twit ratings. I reckon the FIL probably still does, even though I don't let myself get close enough to find out. Sometimes it is better to let the mystery be. The real me is, naturally, am sub-twit in their living room and... The trust just never begins...

I am struggling on the sub-twit end of a depression today.

I love the irony that we can now, "Tweet the TWiT." Google it...

Am I babbling?????????
gizzy2010
gizzy2010
You feel what you need to feel to not feel worthless. So feel what is needed, and you can grow on that. Ya irony... always fits in my world.

I'm so sorry Arfie for seeing you have to go through this. For my dad, I had made a decision in the beginning of my healing, in separation from him, in 2012, that I will not even go to his funeral. I might pop in just to save my brother, but that' s it.
It's a blessing that you did not or couldn't go probably. just me saying..
LeoX3
LeoX3
GEntlest support. It's a complex and complicated situation, and you can feel however you want, just let those negatives fly away and concentrate on you an dyour beloved. :-)
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
As a graduate of my own family's educational process, I'm eminently unqualified to explain the workings of any family anywhere. Where that leaves me, though, with your question of what to feel now, though, is in total empathy. How could we know what to feel after such family experiences?

I'd say be gentle to yourself. Funerals tend to bring on life reviews and some of the memories are painful ones. Like that one about your being a "gold-digging piece of trash." We know you here as a generous, kind, and wise person, so let that stand in balance to such memories as you process this in-law's passing.

Get well wished to your beloved, too.
DoooOver
DoooOver
In my experience, when my dad passed I felt nothing and I still don't. I didn't feel guilt and I still feel animosity. I like what everyone has said here and what fits how I felt most is response #1.


I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much right now and sending you gentle healing support Arfie.
arfie
arfie
Thanks guys. Guess I am feeling better now. More stable, at least.

When it rains, it pours. Guess this is my rainy season?

Gypsy folk will survive...
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