"I am scared of dying" that means you are still looking for a way to go on.
I am sorry for the way you are feeling...this time of year when everything on tv and in movies looks like a Norman Rockwell painting. Makes me sick.
Cecil give up and give away your anger with family, they have brushed it under the carpet. They don't like anyone lifting the carpet.

The last few days I have been quiet because...I am not afraid of dying. But If I make a commitment I will stick it out...so now stuck until spring semester is done. Little goals for you will help.
Take some of those beautiful photo's and put together a coffee table book. They're are sources online that will set up a pay/print account, you set price over cost and then they market it for you. Printing by the piece, so no overhead. Even if you don't sell and choose for you to make one, do it. Also calenders.

But do something for you...THWTROT.


For now I will add your book as a reason to stay another day.
Jewells

((Cecil))

It may be that an apt with a psych Dr. is in order. The thoughts and plans you have aren't healthy, Cecil. Hope isn't a projection of more pain to be endured it's believing in something good, something better.

There are crisis lines to call for those in need... you seem to need it now.

Some family members can be toxic. I've found detaching from those helpful, as opposed to continuing to let them poison me with their hurtful actions and comments.

You aren't the cause of your daughter's behavior. It's a bad choice on HER part.

I hope you reach out foe some healthy support face to face, Cecil. You are a worthwhile human who deserves to be happy.

My plan is to ride a tornado. I especially like to think about it when tornado season is months away. A few times I did some storm chasing to test the possibility. Turns out I have some homework to do. Catching a tornado is not as easy as I once thought.

I am serious, but I am also co-opting your thread....

Hope putting it in to words helped, Cecil. Hope you keep sharing until you find some peace. Gentle hugs and hopes.

Jewells, what is THWTROT? I have been missing my camera and spending time taking pics of the stuff in my head. Seems I am lacking motivation to leave my chair.

jraernr, I do have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. I may ask him to recommend a psychiatrist for meds. I have tried several and they have had intolerable side effects but I was being treated by my primary care doc so maybe a psychiatrist will be better.

Arfie...it is a tornado inside of me! I keep spinning round and all the debris is getting mixed up.

Lilly....some of my photos are pretty strange...especially if I am "working things out" I take my emotions and make them into a photo. Most people don't like them because they are too disturbing.

Thank you all for your support. I have rallied again...I always do. Just tired of swinging back and forth.

you need help cecil.

it's too big for you right now. it's not a weakness...life gets way too big for a lot of us. but it's now you need to admit what you're doing isn't working very well, and hasn't been for a while now, and you NEED to bump it up to another level.

please put in an emergency call to your doctor, and if you can, a trip to the hospital. i know it's scary....i just got out last week. but the focus of your life doesn't have to be death 24-7. that's the goal of the illness, and i really hope you make a stand and beat the living hell out of it.

The hell with the rest of them.

I was guessing that it means To Hell With The Rest Of Them.

??

Cecil: rather than say, "I have those thoughts," it's easier to say ... I rarely do NOT have those thoughts.

But I go one more minute, then one more hour, then one more day.

Since returning from Central America, I've had several eye doctors evaluate me, and say -- one, LITERALLY -- this is NOT just a bad year. This is going to be your LIFE.

Meaning: these problems with your eyes, and the pain they cause, are real and permanent, and we cannot fix them.

That's the medical. I also have the C-PTSD psychological.

So ... in my case (maybe yours, too), there is no "hope ..." TODAY ... that the worst of my issues is going to get better.

Or ... I have no reason to HAVE hope.

But ... for ME ... that doesn't mean I should simply give up.

I have decided that I CAN move on, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day, even without what most people would call "hope."

I can move on because ... it's the only way things could possibly GET better.

I move on ... in this painful and tortured life ... as much for 'others' as for myself.

I move on because there ARE still people I would hurt by doing The Big Bye-Bye.

And I don't want to hurt them. I just don't.

Will my method work forever, until I die of a heart attack, in my sleep, at a ripe old age ??

Hell, Idunno.

But it will work for today.

Maybe you can try my little method, too ??

I wish you peace, health, strength, and freedom from ALL kinds of pain.

And ... until you get those things ... I wish you the strength and resolve to simply carry on.

So many times throughout my life the words have gone through my mind "I want to die". But actually I don't want to die - I want to stop hurting, I want the agony to go away. I get scared that saying "I want to die" so many times might become self-fulfilling so now I force myself to correct it to "I want the pain to go away." I think it is good to state what you really want - which is not to die, but to feel better.

I know you are in a lot of agony right now and from reading your posts I know a lot of the reasons. Making everything worse, I have the impression that your family has a strong hold on you, that their words haunt you and that maybe you wrestle with the conflict between their version of reality and yours.

I don't know if you saw my post on the other support group, but basically, I only realized in the past couple of days how MUCH my mother's version of me tormented me, the immense amount of shame and strangled rage I felt at not being able to definitively counter or disprove her version of my life/me. Visiting the website that others recommended about Narcissistic mothers is making a huge difference. I really think it might help you too. The website is http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ (but it all applies to fathers as well - and maybe in your family they are both narcissists). Apparently there are questions about the owner of this website, but the info is valid and can be found in books on Amazon. Please check it out and see if it helps you take the invalidating voices of your family and put them in the GARBAGE where they belong.

Living well is the best revenge, Cecil. Don't surrender, however hard it is. Hang on long enough to turn a corner. Do nice things for yourself - everyone said that to me too, and I just didn't get it for a long time, but now I think it's about taking care of the part of you that is hurting the worst, which is the child, and giving her some of the love and care that your parents would like you to believe she didn't deserve - defy that! Love her, and be kind to her. She deserves the best of everything, and above all, tenderness, comfort and appreciation for all she's been through.

Davidnrockies, I am sorry about your eyes. I am lucky in the respect that most of my physical ailments have been caused by my own actions and they can be improved by my own actions. Just the motivation is lacking. You don't have that option and choose to carry on.

I guess I am ashamed of my weakness and selfishness. I don't want to hurt others either. It is true I don't want to die but I don't want my life either. Yes i could change it but again...that lack of motivation. In some ways I have already died...just haven't fallen over.
I am fine if I don't think about it. I am fine if I avoid being "present". That is why my mood changes so fast. Just a theory though.

I'm glad you keep adding up those moments.

Exactly Jen!

I have tweaked my plan here and there but have had it for a few years now. I need to have an exit strategy. I am seeking help for healing and part of that process is what is making things so hard now. The past week I have had to finally admit to myself some painful things about my family. The ball is in my court now. I haven't decided if I want to hit it back or take it and go home.

The last option is to die. I want to heal. This is just a very rough time and I think about that plan more and more often.

I think I have a good therapist. If i call he responds and god knows I have not been an easy patient. I am safe and did not intend to alarm anyone (maybe I did...maybe it was a scream for someone to come hold my hand)

I think for now I have to do the one foot in front of the other walk. Tell myself it is ok to have small accomplishments instead of beating myself up every day over the to do list.

I'll hold yours, you hold mine, Cecil. This year with out John, is worse than last. There were so many people ill and dying last year on me, but now there is only me. I hate that I can look at a picture of a Holloween party not that long ago, and tick off 7 of them so fast. I hate December, I hate my best friends are with John. I came here in February when a couple of compazine were already taken...so I could keep down the other pills. Plenty left from John's treatment to do ir 10 times or more over. Instructions said, wait 20 min, so my stomach would just expel the other pills. Just a few months ago, I didn't know this, compazine works like a tranquilizer in higher doses. Goofed again. Since I had taken the compazine with a valium, so the others would work while I was alone, just going to sleep. I found DS that night, cried and read until I was just sleepy enough to go directly to bed.

Like Jenn, a good plate of Shrimp scampi could do the job too. But that would be by asphyxiation, not the best way.

I am trying hard to find reasons to stay, given my physical condition and prospects of ever finding a group of friends like those I lost. Not promising.

But here I am.

Jewells, I am so sorry for all the loses in your life. You do inspire me. I think I will make a photo for you. One that reflects what I see in you.

I had plans also thinking so much how and where to do it, and I never did anything of that, I was also scared of dying and couldn't decide which day I would do it

I overdosed couple times when I didn't have any plans, at that time I haven't been scared or I didn't care about life at all

if I understanded good you have a daughter, consider her, think what she will do without you, I don't have kids but I have family and history of suicide in my family, I realized that with my attempts I didn't hurt only myself (I was thinking it wrong like im not doing wrong to anyone because I don't want to live, no harm to anyone),but in reality yes I hurted my family too who loves me and care about me, its not only about me it is also the burden what would they carry on if I didn't fail

I also was couple times in psych hospital for being suicidal, call your dr, admit yourself, the way that you are thinking its not healty one, if you don't want to do it that way and trust yourself and feel safe then you can change that way of thinking, I understand that it hurts now but it wont last forever, be patient, hold it

one step at time and not too many expectations, it is slow process, it does hurt and It does get better

take care of yourself and treat yourself gentle with care

take care of yourself, better days will come, believe it in and into yourself

Cecil.....
You my friend are in the same boat as I am. Maybe we can go take a boat ride. Then figure WTF ;; how to snap out of this 'crap'. I feel your pain. I understand and I care. For me I'll get a glimpse of hope and then 'poof' I'm thrown by the wayside again. Trust me so many people are here and a lot of us are going through this hell. I try my best reaching out for help. Lately its been a big struggle for me. I - have never been this LOW in all of my life. All i can tell you is make a phone call...... and things usually turn out when we less expect it.

If we ask for help - Its just that 'vulnerable' side of us which doesn't
want to ask or bother others. Well other people care. Because we
are human beings. and human beings care. I too had a narcissistic
parent/ father. He could care less one time i needed an ambulance
He is a cheap moth ......r. put those words together.....I was on the
phone with him and he said ' No I won't take you to the E.R.' So i
told him I'm calling an ambulance. He argued with me. Believe it??
(The man is ...loaded with money-- my Mom died. ) probably at the
expense of him calling an ambulance. Because paramedics were
there fast. But Mom was already braindead. -we just didn't know.

So off topic sorry. All I've been thinking of is 'very negative' things.
and it is not healthy. I've been focusing on death. I don't know why.
Maybe you and i can help each other thru this. WOW. I was gonna
bring this Topic up. so I think I will. Stay tuned for further HELP!!
I am on psych medications. They do work. its just circumstantial....
crap for me. My days consist of negative negativity. --Life is hard.
I am sorry you feel this way. Things will look up.we Just need help.

gizzzy (((((((gentle hugs)))))))

Please don't dwell too much on your plan. It can get obsessive and seductive and suck you in.

Talk to a suicide prevention hotline.

I've been there and can only say I'm glad I didn't go through with it.