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For weeks if not months now I think about dying. It is like labor pains. The pain begins but it isn't too bad then it subsides only to come back again later with a little more intensity. Next thing I know the pains are worse and closer together. Seems like just a matter of time before the cycle of life completes.
I am scared to die. In between the pains I have hope. Hope really sucks. It is like some drug to be used on a torture victim to keep them awake for the next round of pain.
I don't know where the problem begins or ends. I need some kind of help but don't know what kind. I keep chasing my tail.
My family has once again proved to me that I am truly alone. I was told because I was a "screwed up kid" that I shouldn't expect anything different from my daughter. I never had a reason for acting out or any of my issues. It was just kids "exploring" and even if it wasn't I should just get over it. My dad told me that Craig and Dan were the only 2 of the kids that turned out ok...the rest of us had problems.
I could go on but it will just piss me off even more.
Yes...when I was a kid I DID act out. I was screaming for help. I was trying to say that it shouldn't feel like it did. Something was wrong. In their eyes something was wrong. It was me. I was wrong.
I think that is why I have such low tolerance for my daughters shit. I have spent my life trying to get someone to listen. No one listened.
The plan by the way is a hotel out of town, a bottle or 2 of wine, pain meds if I can get them )otherwise benedryl) and a tank of helium.
No immediate plan for action. Just wanted to have it thought out just in case.
I am scared of dying.
I am scared to die. In between the pains I have hope. Hope really sucks. It is like some drug to be used on a torture victim to keep them awake for the next round of pain.
I don't know where the problem begins or ends. I need some kind of help but don't know what kind. I keep chasing my tail.
My family has once again proved to me that I am truly alone. I was told because I was a "screwed up kid" that I shouldn't expect anything different from my daughter. I never had a reason for acting out or any of my issues. It was just kids "exploring" and even if it wasn't I should just get over it. My dad told me that Craig and Dan were the only 2 of the kids that turned out ok...the rest of us had problems.
I could go on but it will just piss me off even more.
Yes...when I was a kid I DID act out. I was screaming for help. I was trying to say that it shouldn't feel like it did. Something was wrong. In their eyes something was wrong. It was me. I was wrong.
I think that is why I have such low tolerance for my daughters shit. I have spent my life trying to get someone to listen. No one listened.
The plan by the way is a hotel out of town, a bottle or 2 of wine, pain meds if I can get them )otherwise benedryl) and a tank of helium.
No immediate plan for action. Just wanted to have it thought out just in case.
I am scared of dying.
2, 2013. ...................those poor people.
and then we got people who are sooo much greediness in them. Just to buy something in a store--- during holidays. I don't get that.
Cecil, I hope you get to feeling better. even if just a little bit better.
In my family, unfortunately, we have a history. The mot abusive jerks in the family seem to live the longest. Only the good die young. My rotten to the core grandfather lived to be 95 and scammed people until then end.
So there's some negative inspiration for you.
I have positive things like hope, too. And I'm not really all that afraid to die, really. I see it as a peaceful end. I'm afraid to suffer, that's very true. But before I die I have a dance commitment to keep.