My grandmother passed away last month, she was a huge part of my life. After my mother died when I was 6, she was the only one there for me and encouraging my self esteem. Lately I've been so busy with my own life I would ignore her calls and barely visit. She was in the hospital for a year and I was too frightened to see her, especially after my PTSD due to my mom's passing.

The night before the funeral, everything hit me, I envisioned her entire old house (which she moved out of 15 years ago) down to every detail. I remember seeing her and touching her face, running around the house, unravelling her yarn balls and feeding the seagulls off her bay deck. Every little detail, so vivid.. something I haven't thought about in over a decade, all coming back to me.

The funeral I felt alone. My husband, my father, my step mom, my cousins,my aunt and uncle, my godmother and godfather, my mother's friends were all there.. yet, I was alone. The ONLY good part about my past has gone over to the other side. The only person who truly believed I was someone.. who thought I was beautiful.. who thought I could conquer anything.. is now gone. And I couldn't say goodbye or how much she meant to me. I think about her all the time now. It makes me sick. Memories keep circling around, and I just wish I could be back in that time with her. I don't think I'm going to recover from this one.