Other people will have good suggestions but I just want to acknowledge that people who do the job you did are true heroes. Warm hugs to you and I hope healing will happen for you.

Welcome.
I hope you find our group here helpful. 30 years in the front line is an astronomical amount of memories to hold. I would hope that you have some success that help to cover the not so good ones. Any calls with children have to be harder, but you do the best you humanly can with what you are given. You are human so it will hurt when you can't win, but you try anyway.

Support and warm hugs
Jewell

Bless you I have such admiration for you, and officers, firefighters, and the armed forces. The things you see, we can't even imagine.
Do you like animals or children? Maybe volunteering could make your day a little brighter. Reading to kids or taking care of animals...

Kids and old folks are so funny and seeing something so precious everyday may help you not to focus on all the horrible things you had to witness. We're glad to have you but I'm really sorry you're suffering. Especially after doing so much to help others.

welcome, you will find a lot of wonderful people on this board. You are in the right place.

I like that bit has suggested volunteering in a positive setting with children or animals might be of help. I think also, if this is your first time on a support board, you will find many helpful topics that you might be able to apply to what you are going through even if it is not exactly the same.

"my cheese slid way off my cracker" priceless, very funny :) Welcome again, I am sure you have touched so many.

Hi retio. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. Pull up a chair and sit a spell.

I am a child sex trafficking survivor (50s and 60s) and an honorably discharged Army Vet. Viet Nam era. From both war camps, I thank you for your courage and service. I grieve the high price you are paying for that noble service. Hope healing happens here.

My suggestion for now is that you acknowledge this post as a good, solid step toward recover. Take some time to congratulate yourself for that step while you nurture a gentle awareness of where that step has taken you. Have faith that when you are ready for the next step, it will be obvious to you. Small steps make the surest journey. Healing happens one microscopic cell at a time.

Just a suggestion. Each healing journey is unique. Stay true to your own.

Gentle support while you find your way to healing hopes.

Welcome to the forum.

I just want to thank all of you for your thoughts and input. and a special thank you to looney 1 for the kind word thru the years that was very seldom ever said in fact a THANK YOU was seldom heard. and BIT47 at this point in my life I fear to be around a lot of people sometimes (3) IS TO MANY. its a fear of mine that going into public with my luck someone I encounter will have some type of a medical episode and I can not deal with any more of that. but again thank all of you for the welcome and I am glad I found all of you.....

Welcome retio, A big "Thank you" from me too. I worked in the medical field almost 30 years, lab tech, but the first 17 in a hospital where we were routinely called down to the ER and certain trauma rooms I remember...mentally trying to prepare for seeing just about anything...I have pictures in my mind still...then went to a very large hospital and different stressors, I was getting burnt out, it is so hard to both care, but at some point I went numb...I'm on disability now..a person can only take so much....and then PTSD from early life also! Lots of understanding people here to vent to, that helped me to not feel so alone because I tend to isolate with my cat, my little furbaby therapy. I have found art, art museums, quiet, slower pace a help, during the week less busy than weekends. I did volunteer for years at a small animal shelter in my town (adoptions only) and it was very theraputic and calming, also volunteered at a theraputic riding stable for disabled adults. I am still trying to process memories that I stuffed for so long and somehow let myself cry, grieve...a little at a time. My username is the name of a cat I helped. As we say here "Vent it out" whatever is on your mind! Support and Healing Thoughts to you as you sort, you are not alone!!

thank you cheesecake88 for your thoughts and input, I do understand what you have seen truly I understand.. what I have learned in the medical field is you can not ever fix stupid.. I say that cause as I stated before my last peds death was the time where all the crap that I had stuffed for so many years just blow up. it was the first time I ever tried to beat the hell out of some one on a call.. but when I found a 2 month old little girl in a crib stiff and cold and found out they have not checked on this child for over 15 hours,, OMG .. that was the end of it all my anger and seeing bad things just blew up... I wish that I knew earlier that you need to talk to someone after bad calls I might not be where I am at today,,, again thank you for the welcome..

retio, I can't even imagine...I wish I could remember the "good, the rewarding" part of the job..not all the bad...but I hear you...I too wish they had in place someone to talk to after the bad, because there is no place to put it but to stuff it....I would have lost my cookies too seeing what you did...aarrgghh!! I am glad you found us here...More Healing Hopes to you!!!

thank you CC88 sorry I was graphic but it is what it is, the stories I could tell would make most anyone come to tears and have nightmares. that's what it does to me.. my best friend in fla just lost his 21 y/o daughter to violence, he was crying to me on the phone and I could not even grieve, not sure how to, to me that's sad.

was wondering why folks on here is calling me retio. I got it, my username was to be RET. iowamedic.. funny

HI and Welcome ret....

I will also give my thanks.... There are some jobs that we can never say that are enjoyable for the most part but are so very necessary... Kudos to those who are able to do them...

This is a wonderful board with many great and knowledgeable people

Big hug for you and a blessing....x

I did a few years as a volunteer firefighter. While the graphic stuff I saw was rather limited, it was enough that I get it.

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found your way here.

You'll be understood, here. Sometimes ... that's a lot.

I wish you peace, health, and strength.

Ret, I am so sorry. That is understandable. I hope you have someone - in person - that's close to you that you can lean on. Being alone all the time isn't good for us.

Seeing children hurt or abused brings out a rage in me as well. That's just something I cannot handle. And I think one reason we can't grieve is, we just don't have anymore room to put all of that pain and heartache, and for you - the horror of the things you saw. You have to go numb, or go crazy.
I really hope things get brighter for you soon. You surely don't deserve to suffer the way you're suffering.