I see your point Arfie, perhaps you sense it would not make a difference as they would not get it. They all that explaining for nothing and that would be more depressing. If all of us with PTSD had one huge cast on our legs there would be no explaining.

your right being triggered over and over by them is not good for the brain. Develops the old dysfunctional pathways. I get that with my in-laws, it is awful. Not worth explaining either. I try to limit the visits, but I know this is awkward. Wonder if your husband could do a few visits in between without you? Just cut them back a bit?

i have noticed this "layering" effect happening in myself lately. the very different medical issues. which i did not realise i have trauma from, but i do, have triggers that set off flashbacks to whole other times and unrelated trauma.

like an already lit fuse on the dynamite, if someone suggests i might feel better if i just do this _____or just do that _____- it hits me right in the medical PTSD when i was not believed and treated so badly all those years by doctors. people looked down on me and treated me badly, when i was dx with fibromyalgia, later CFIDS/ME, and even now with MS. even seizures. people, i guess they don't know how to handle it or talk to a person about it. i really wish they just wouldn't talk at me like they do - or it might be easier to relate to it for people who struggle with depression - when people suggest you get up and get on with it; i've had people suggest that to me so many times. try walking, that'll make you better, get more exercise. i'm not allowed to do those things at the moment, not yet anyhow. it is difficult to not fly off the handle sometimes. i think people get confused whether i am in physical pain or ptsd pain maybe. but, just the other day, it all of a sudden turned into a flashback of my childhood/infancy. sounds just like what you are talking about, arf.

Is it lucky that the triggering in-laws are dead? I feel cruel saying that, but. . . No more physical presence to cope with. The FIL (the gnarliest trigger) passed in September.

I don't know the other in-laws well enough have bonds of any sort. How much bonding can you actually do at a catered event? Never had much opportunity to know them before the funeral in October. Getting to know them for the first time in 30+ years of acquaintance is a goodly bit of what is feeding the contemplation. It is a very odd experience.

New stressors as an adult, where you feel a loss of power, are adult manifestations of childhood traumas. History repeating itself in a way that still sucks but not exactly like our firsts. We are programmed to receive these new triggers the same way our initial ones are received. It's a victim mentality that isn't chosen, it's the here we go again without all the information. To me, as a child, we don't have the adult problem solving skills so we will always get that initial response and will take more time than those without ptsd to analyze and control things and, simply put, adapt to things like you speak of.

P.s you aren't cruel to say that and wouldn't be the first to feel relief at the thought of awful people not physically here to be able to hurt you.

Layering sounds right to me, arfie. I think a lot of what we do as adults who survived a lot of trauma as kids is archeological digging through lots of layers of ourselves, each one telling its story.

As for the bonding part with the in-laws, having been divorced and out of practice with in-laws since 1999, I'm not able to be much help to you on that count. But with your self awareness, I'm sure you'll be able to summon up the resources to meet the occasion. Much support to you.

Separating the trigger from the trauma remains difficult for me. If you have committed the crime of reminding me of someone I once knew. . . Off with your head!!!

The MIL/FIL weren't too much like my birth family. Even the poor farm kid stories triggered me from the sidebars of people who were "Not Worth a Twit." The MIL/FIL loved that expression and in their stories, my family was always in the not worth a twit faction. The FIL's off-color good ol' boy girl jokes and love of bright lights were probably the worst triggers of all. Their house was brighter than an industrial parking lot. Gang rape under a farm light and child pornography are among my childhood traumas. Bright lights still devastate me.

But they were *only* triggers. The in-laws were not actually there for any of it. Pompous self-importance was the greatest trauma they ever inflicted on me, personally. In summary, I am glad they were there for my sons. Without them, they would have had no extended family, at all. I am still not willing to expose young children to the antics of my birth family. Not going there.

Here in the current phase of establishing communication with long familiar strangers I find myself wanting to take extra care that I am communicating from the here and now with the people in front of me.