I am rather uniquely, if not bizarrely, placed in the "spectrum" of those who have suffered sexual assault. Within a few years of it, I was enjoying a healthy physical relationship wtih my now-hubby and had a "trainer" boyfriend in between, and the longest-lasting issue was as much my childhood conditioning as anything else (shyness about initiating *that* kind of stuff).

So my advice? Talk it out. With boyfriend, without him, whatever, but if you're afraid of the act, and dread it? Submitting to it only hurts you all over again. There are therapists who specialize in this stuff. Can you get a recommendation for one? Practice "safe touching" so that your body and mind learn to recognize your boyfriend as not-that-them, over time? Engage in kisses and cuddles that end at kisses and cuddles so you can relax in "stages"....? The rape support group in my long-ago past? We used to use sports metaphors. "Well, I got to first base, then walked back to the dugout," for example, to mean "kisses and making out, but then I had to stop". Believe me, it's not like I hit that home run outta the park first try. Or tenth. Maybe hundred and tenth?....

And, to be blunt, are there non-coital activities you enjoy or might want to try that allow for intimate contact? Since I was injured in 2011, my hubby (bless him to the stars) asked my GYN for what to do to have "Fun" with consideration for my pelvic injuries, and even watched a video. (Poor guy was tomato-red for a week.) Just an idea...

Healing purrs!

THANK YOU for writing this. I have no idea why this is seldom discussed but it is. I went from being straight to gay thinking well maybe that's the issue, but it's not, it's the trauma. Doesn't matter if I'm with a huge man, a small woman, I still feel nothing. I have gotten better with my current partner whom I trust and love. But it took a year to get to that point with her.

For me it is incredibly painful and I can't stand to be touched. My sex life is non existent. People (any one, even people I am very close to) touch me wrong and fear/panic washes over me. I was horribly abused from the time I was 3 until I was 31. I was first gang raped when I was 4. There are some people that become promiscuous. Me? Sex is a total turn off. I'd talk to your bf and therapist about it. They can help a little more in this area.

Yes... have issues to. It's a source of friction in our marriage. I want my husband to be affectionate with me.... daily affection....and gentle before my body will give the "ok" for sex. But he just wants to get straight down to business and its a trigger for me. Then I'm pushing him away again can't stand to let him touch me. If he tries to hug me after something like that, all I feel is anger.

I have the same thing going on. Like....I can masturbate but I can't focus very well without thinking about the the trigger person(my ex that ruined me...there isn't any feelings towards him. So it's weird.) My husband and I haven't had any love making moments due to my lack of sex drive cuz of these memories....it's hard...and all I want is to be able to make love with the person I m in love with...v.v lucky for me he s pretty patient. And understands.. but still..v.v sigh. Your not alone.

I was molested as a 10 year old by a pedophile who went through my school and got to 4 of us boys and girls. Then when I told my mom about it when I was 12 years of verbal and physical abuse from her followed as punishment "to make me a man."

In my adulthood I found out that my telling her triggered her dark secret of untreated PTSD in her from her own molestation as a child raised on a farm. Finding that out really motivated me to work on my own PTSD recovery in therapy to stop that cycle from one generation to the next.

As far as my own intimacy was involved, though, as much as I healed in recovery from both the initial primary traumas from the sexual assaults and the secondary traumas from my mother in their aftermath, I was never able to loosen up as to sex. It was always an activity in which I found myself holding my breath tensely, clinching my body. It wasn't awful, I wasn't always triggered into a panic attack or anything.

However, it was something I wanted to get over with, kind of like I wanted my original experiences with the predator to be over with. Needless to say, my partner tended not to enjoy being cast in that role.

So I became very good at being more intimate in conversation than in physical expression. Though I am proud of the closeness achieved in many of my relationships, I have to admit that did take a toll on my romantic relationships in the long run.

I don't consider that a tragedy as much as a case of mixed results in my PTSD recovery. Even then, it proved useful. What it led to was my being able to have great "ultimacy" conversations with patients when I was a hospital chaplain, while having really personal/professional good boundaries as an old bachelor. Kind of a case of making lemons into lemonade. It was about accepting I couldn't expect recovery to make me good at everything. After going from victim to survivor to thriver it got to where I could be grateful for the gift of thriving at being really good at a thing or two.

I've had much sexual trauma from a young age into my early thirties, I'm at a point in my life that it's hard to even let someone touch me. I flinch a lot.
Much support and a hug

I responded to my own sexual abuse with hyper-sexuality. I believe it was the only form of control available to me in the mobile kiddie whorehouses I was raised in. "I'll fuck you before you can fuck me, Perv of whichever gender or political declaration." Don't mistake hyper-sexual for pleasure. *IF* I was a man, it would have been called, "Rape" and rape is about control, not sex. I had started therapy about 7 years before I met my husband and he was as aware as is possible of what he was getting into before he said, "I do." It was still hard. Not even therapists can predict the future.

Fast forward another 30 years and the physical damage of all that premature sex has caught up with me. My genitals are now more scar tissue than flesh. Sex is now extremely painful, at best. By some miracle, I am still married to the same man, forced celibacy and all.

Hubs and I have channeled all this sexual confusion into levels of intimacy Hollywood has no special effects to show. Soul-deep honesty is an intimacy poets have yet to capture. There really is more than one flavor of intimacy available in life.

Even without the trauma, sex and love are complex phenom. Intimacy even more so. Be patient with the process, CP. It's okay if it takes a lifetime to work out a lifelong relationship. "Hold the love sacred. Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer." is the shared mantra of my marriage.

Continued support while you work out your own. Customize, customize, customize.

My last sexual trauma was five years ago and I tried a few times with a guy friend. He just wanted to get down to business and I didn't know how to explain to him. So I ended up making things worse for me. Most recently I was talking to a man and he wanted to only be sexual. Needless to say this is a trigger for me. I have even started wondering if maybe it's because I would be more comfortable with women but that isn't the issue, it's intimacy itself.

I agree with everyone suggesting you talk with him. Communication is key, even when it's hard for us to talk about something. Sending gentle hugs and lots of support your way. Thank you for bringing this topic up!

Although I wasn't violently raped as a child, I did suffer repeated molestations and violations, usually from older men (old enough to be my father, or grandfather). In fact, one of them WAS my biological grandfather. Age 4, several times he touched me intimately. I was too young to fully understand, but I sensed it was wrong and told my mom. She told my father, who then read the riot act to grandpa. I also suffered many, many sexual victimizations between 13 and 57. A whole series of strangers or dates. Some included a Peeping Tom and many involved indecent exposure (flashing). I dealt with trauma by becoming promiscuous at certain times in life. I didn't value myself unless a man "approved" of me sexually. Fast forward--now I am a senior 71 years old. Last year I was dating a man 11 years older. The sex was a disaster. He also was a "get down to business" type and I hated it. After six months we split up. I felt this "grandfather figure" was a dirty old man!!!!

My lifetime of sexual traumas left me very asexual. I'm alone and not in a relationship so it's not a problem for me. NONE of my sexual encounters was ever pleasing so I guess I just missed the boat entirely. Don't know what I'm missing is what I've been told. But I'm ok with that.

Zoe, thanks for posting what you just said. I guess that goes for me, too. I'm the q at the end of the lgbtq, my q not standing for questioning or queer, but rather for quit. Yeah, "asexual." Thanks for giving me language for it. And I'm ok with it, too. Once more, thanks.

Wow, thank you all so much for sharing your stories and experiences. I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. I really don't think that this is something that gets talked about, hence why I feel like my therapist doesn't really know how to handle it. @Zoe and @mujicaptsd, i'm with you both, I sometimes truly feel asexual. While I love my partner, I feel no sexual desire whatsoever. I have talked to him about it before, and I know he does understand, but I feel like I constantly need to remind him of my feelings. I think he is hopeful that they will just fade over time and I will develop a stronger sex drive as I heal (I'm hopeful also haha), but so far it's pretty slow-going.

I think part of the problem is that a majority of my sexual encounters were violent/aggressive, and centered entirely around my partner's kinks and desires. My first relationship was abusive and really fucked up and it paved the way for a lot of the shitty relationships I would find myself in later on. In that regard I feel like I was the perfect victim for my rapist...He didn't think I would put up a fight, or say no. Ever since that night, sex has just been empty for me.

I really appreciate all of you who suggested finding other ways to be intimate, I think that's a great idea and I will definitely give it a try. Thanks again everyone <3

So sorry to hear so many bad experiences. I wish for healing for all of us.

My trauma with my uncle is so rooted in my mother's past and being that it's been hard to find "me" in there. But, still, I love sex and am very much orgasmic. I guess my mind felt that other experiences would somehow "cancel" out incest.

To get "sexy" feelings back? Exercise, dance, sexy music and romance movies might help. A spa day, bubble baths, pleasing scents and candles. Sometimes I like to try on formal dresses that I can't afford to remind myself that I still have a good hip-waist ratio and can "clean up nice." Maybe putting on full make up and joining the selfie culture once or twice isn't bad sometimes.

Hugs to all and healing!!