I'm struggling myself but just wanted to acknowledge it's a hard road and glad that you're here.

I was also abused by a boyfriend for about a year-and-a-half. I kept blaming myself for the abuse. The abuse started out small and ballooned into a terrible situation. I finally realized I had to leave because if I didn't I knew I would either end up hurting myself or he would kill me eventually with his abuse. The thing is the abuse didn't end with beatings it was also emotional abuse. Things like he would promise to take me out and he would tell me to be ready at a certain time like 8 p.m. I of course would get myself all prettied up and he showed up drunk and miserable and told me that he never promised to take me out and that I was crazy. Once he even handed me a razor blade and told me to go ahead and kill myself. I finally decided to move out of the state to get away from him. The thing that people did not understand was that I missed him very much and I felt like I wanted to talk to him and see him again. I cried so much and I felt like my heart was breaking. No one could understand how I could love him even though he abused me. I think I wanted love so badly that I didn't care how much it cost me I just kept going back to him. I know right now you are hurting and you feel like it's never going to go away. I think the worst part is not being understood. I just want you to know that I understand completely why you feel the way you do. I am here if you want to talk.

I applaud you for recognizing it as abuse. I married my J. There were definitely red flags and various types of abuse before we got married. Much more immediately after when a few of his lies were uncovered. It seemed normal to me for a lot of reasons but I think part of what blinded me was his kindness and his calmness. I can definitely understand missing your J. If he’s anything like mine, he’s also a gently giant. Maybe he was also helpful and encouraging. Maybe his apologies seemed sincere. Maybe he was also the best friend you’ve ever had. I understand.

Welcome to the board Cherry..... This is a good board with some great people.... I am sorry for what's brought you here but I'm glad that you're here.....xo

There is also a Physical and Emotional abuse board that might be of help to you...xo

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse

Welcome, Cherry, I went through 2 divorces, the second one so abusive my spouse was ejected from the courtroom by the judge at our divorce's final hearing. It was devastating to me because it was my second, and I thought I should have learned my lesson from my first. After all, I met my second spouse in a face to face support group, which I thought was a guarantee.

I'm still here now learning what I missed the first couple of times around. Glad you found us, this is a healing place.

I understand what it's like to attracted to abusive men. I'm 50, college educated and on my 3rd marriage. It's humbling.

My 2nd marriage almost destroyed me. Took everything I had. I'm recovering now and praying God will give me another chance to do something productive and life-giving in the near future.

It does get better. Work on yourself. Watch that you don't get into this situation again. Don't do like I did and think you can stick it out in a bad situation.

Peace and healing.