not sure what I’m feeling

never sure how to cope with feelings. 

Here is what’s on my mind.....

I am living with my parents. Mom is passive aggressive. I’m gluten free, not from celiac but because of a skin condition. The improvements I’ve seen removing gluten from my diet are incredible. Once embarrassingly ugly scared legs are now just covered in faint scars that no longer itch, unless I consume gluten.

For whatever reason my husband always invalidated my need to be gluten free and made it seem like such an incredible hassle. The bread I used to eat for instance is also dairy free soy free which was safe for one of my little ones to eat. He complained frequently “you’re the one who needs special bread” but I’m not. I’m fine making my own biscuits or pancakes and not eating bread at all. I enjoy wraps and gluten free pasta, all things much less expensive than a $10 loaf of bread but she went through this phase where she wanted whatever I ate and wanted me to eat what she was eating. Otherwise she wouldn’t eat. Furthermore, have you tried finding dairy free soy free bread? It’s aooo challenging and many times the expensive gluten free stuff was the only option. For some reason neither of us discussed the option of not giving her bread. Maybe bc she absolutely loved it. It was always an attack on me. That was a long tangent - all to say that my mom is “forgetful?” 

The quinoa pasta tastes like regular pasta. They love it. It’s good. So why does she still buy regular pasta and ask me if I can eat it? She just made a cold pasta salad and told me I can eat the vegetables out of it which I can and did. The thing is, I ate a lot of vegetables out of it because my food budget is tight right now and I was hungry. Luckily there are more vegetables to cut and add to it but I can see her getting upset if this continues so I’m choosing not to eat more. I’ll make my own quinoa pasta tonight and have something to take to work. When she said she wanted to make ghsfni wad so excited. She asked if I would eat some and I said yes. But now I can’t and she made a TON. When she’s upset that it’s time to throw some of it away, I will not own her mistakes. Sometimes I wonder if she does this to have something to complain about. She’s done this stuff for my entire life and I end up feeling bad that she, in this case, made too much pasta.

a side note, I think some of this feeling may be anger that the people closest to me who know I’ve battled an eating disorder, spend so much time criticizing and trying to change my mind about what I choose to eat. I have never had support for my food issues, despite the fact that Mom assures me she understands because she was anorectic in her twenties. How can she understand and be so unwilling to face the family secrets? If she truly understood she’d know it’s all about secrets.

TW

I realized this week that I have spent my entire life hating myself because of the way other people treated me. The messages that I’m disgusting, worthless, stupid, ugly, a terrible sister/daughter, that I can never be enough, I’m not worth standing up for and that I deserve to die - have been whirling around in my brain for more than three decades. That is a long time and a lot of hurt to unpack and living with my parents has been so enlightening. We are physically safe here and my parents are kind/good people so it’s confusing to be in a place like this. I said TW but I don’t want to explain. It’s enlightening not only to trigger memories and explain some of the holes but also to give myself some compassion. I was so young. I didn’t know any different. I’m so blessed to be learning that I don’t have to stick with what I’ve always known. Coming out of this is intimidating to say the least. It’s terrifying. What else will I remember? I am not in a place where I want to face them and maybe I never will but I will define boundaries and stick to them and I will get out of this house.

 I sign divorce papers Thursday. He’ll be served next week sometime. Then we will have a permanent schedule and a permanent financial plan and I will know what I’m working with financially. I hope he doesn’t draw the process out. I hope it’s civil. I’m trying not to hope too much though. It’s going to be what it’s going to be and I know you guys are here for me as I need it. I also have one good friend I can call....she’s an hour away now but she’s still such a good friend. I’m thankful and looking forward to what lies ahead. I’m working on embracing my past so that I can fully live in my present and enjoy my future.