Wow! That's allot of change for a single week.

Gentle support while you make the transition. Keep us posted.

It is a lot and I'm feeling guilty too. I hate when putting yourself first is at the cost of someone else, I've never been this selfish before. Friends and family have always gotten many chances with me but this time I just snapped. If the people and other things in life aren't making you happy but rather making you sad then you change It, at least I think that's the right thing to do. Those people have feelings too and I'm not doing it to hurt them or because I'm angry, I just know feeling like I'd rather be anywhere but with them is not the same feeling I get with other people in my life.

go for the feel good, your kids need a feeling good mom more then a room full of bad vibes from the tribe. make magic for you and the kids.

An over-developed sense of guilt is one of the least rational symptoms in my personal psycho baggage car. It takes me some pretty absurd places. I try to *simply* breathe my way through it. Kinda like an anxiety attack? Ply grounding tools here.

Adapting to allot of changes at once feels a bit trickier to my senses. I try to take my changes one at a time, when I can, but life so often has runs counter to my preferences.

In breaking free from a lot of the dysfunction in my life...I had to go through a "phase" of being angry. That was just me.

Ultimately, the few times I told my mother off...were pointless. She never got the message, and all my words only reinforced her views.

Actually, everything always "reinforced" her views.

As such, I started taking the kids over every few weeks to play cards with her...because I thought it was the nice thing to do. Go too often and I was told that I was doing it "for a free meal" (even though I'd have rather stayed home and eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich). Go too little and I was told (well it ranged all over the place.) Whatever I did was wrong/selfish. So...might as well just do whatever I thought was right.

I gave up completely on "telling" her. She still told everyone else. (As I was clearing out her apartment,...a couple of her friends felt the need to educate me...okay. At the moment it hurt. Looking back, I figure that they were just doing their best too.

For a long time that left me feeling like I was always the one being "run over". Okay...maybe. But I also could live with MYSELF. Which brought me peace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAHR7_VZdRw

After working with my therapist for six months to prepare for it, I stopped having contact with my abusive family of origin in 2011. I'd had one last Christmas enduring a physical attack from my father again in 2010.

Sure, he was old by then, so his punch to my face didn't pack any power, but so the Christmas ritual of being the family punching bag was old, too. I would go to family expecting them to be different because I had had therapy. Then they would prove that concept to be wrong, adding another holiday trauma to a lifetime of them.

I totally understand, then, all of the friends here who talk about having been abused in their homes as kids, and yet go back to those homes as adults during the holidays. It's what I did, too, all the way up until 7 years ago. Time and time again, expecting a different result.

After the last Christmas in 2010, though, my therapist asked me if I'd heard that definition of insanity: "To do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result."

It made my responsibility for those bad Christmases clear. It still took me 6 months, though, as I said, to act on the insight. It was hard to cut ties, even with a family that hurt me every time.

The codependent part of my mind punishes me every Christmas for spending it alone. It punished me especially when I'm watching one of those Christmas specials. You know the ones that start with family apart due to problems with each other. Then the magical spirit of Christmas erases all sorrow. As the credits roll, they have a merry Christmas around the tree.

Life instant a tv Christmas special, though. In real life, I haven't been insulted or punched in the face by family at Christmas time for one good reason. I have stayed out of range.

As you put it, I'm an "orphan" at Christmas, too. I totally get it. All support to you as you figure out how to have healthy boundaries for you and your kids this Christmas. Merry Christmas to you.

you know? in hindsight? for me? i wish i had the guts when i was your age to cut and release myself then. not only myself - but them as well. tojust, be done and stop it.

i've removed myself from the dance, but the dance continues and creeps in because that is the nature of the damn dance. it is the way of life my family. they are strong personalities and so ill with it all.

they, some of them, have had counseling and it shows. it helps. we are all so much older and there have been some changes - a lot of changes in me that help me deal with some of it. i am more able to not... feel all of it personally somehow - it that says it as well as i want to. not sure.

there is a book titled 'people of the lie' - i haven't read it, i feel as if i have because i purchaesd it and it lives right here on my bookcase :/ i did read the snypospsis..

anyhow. i'm separated as much as i have chosen to be at this point. i don't have children either or a husband as you do. that may have made much more difference in my decision making.

very gentle hugs, you do what you believe is right/ i think that's what you do. big, soft, ongoing support - and soft high fives - you've got mamma bear guts/courage xo

Muji makes a good point. Just because we have therapy and try to do things differently it doesn't mean our families will change.. mine amped up the abuse and lies last Christmas. I was devastated and still am and angry at myself for putting myself in their way again.
Sounds like you have a great plan, just creating good memories with your kids. Best of luck to you and them,

the support is overwhelming and so appreciated. While the decision happened before I wanted it to (I wanted to wait until after Xmas), it wasn't taken lightly. I just couldn't believe my kind gesture to suck it up in the name of family for her, not for me, wasn't even a blip on her gratitude list. In the counsellor office she learned (for the umpteenth time) that my decision to stay away from so-called family was coming from hurt...it took a counsellor to tell her that go figure. So in my vulnerable moment, the gratitude I had that she even came to the meeting, I said I'd come to Xmas and the very second after i agreed to do it she pipes up that I could help out a little more too. I do all the dishes after every dinner at her house, while my other family who didn't help do anything sits on their ass. Then right after that appointment she said that I'm the reason she doesn't talk to her own siblings because she's embsrsssrd that I'm fighting with my sister. Then the thing with her putting a damper on my kitten and when confronted about it she meekly apologizes for hating cats, not for ruining my happiness. Then she goes on to ignore my texts yet has a fit when her texts to me go unanswered because I'm out on a date with my hubs. It was the straw that broke the camels back. The thing is from a normal persons perspective that look so petty on my part and she will tell everyone that I got mad she didn't like my cat so i had a tantrum and ran away. That's the way this has always worked...I try so hard to let things slide but it's like she knows exactly what she's doing and I fall for it every time. I can't play that role if I'm not in it. I'm going to start journaling to help get through this period of grief although right now it feels liberating with guilt. Thanks so much everyone, without your comments and the support of a couple friends and of course my family I'd be knee deep in a shit storm, driving myself mad. Thank you again.

Hi Jenny007. I'm so proud of you!

You put your kids present day & future, the present day & future of their mother, your present day & future ahead of your past , your pain, and anyone who tries to keep you tied to it. and you did it even though it was a tough thing to do.

No it won't be picture perfect., life never is.
yes it may come with guilt, and some lonely times

But even at its worst, I' would bet donuts to dollars that its a million times better than if you went, if stayed in contact, if you continue putting others first.

I am so proud of you triple hugs ~

Thank you Nancy, I needed to hear that. I figured as much that eliminating the root of the problem is only the start of the healing process, I have 37 years of crazy history to rewire now too. It's kinda exciting to think about never having to explain, what I think and feel is pretty common knowledge, to anyone again and never have to defend myself against people I hoped and expected would love me unconditionally.

Family can be so hard. It sounds like mom may have some unresolved issues of her own. Why would you fighting with your sister make her not talk to her siblings? Those appear to be two different things. I hope she continues counseling. I hope you also consider counseling for past issues and possibly grief after severing so many family connections. I don't have a close relationship with my mom for other reasons, but focusing on my husband and kids makes my family time better. We love playing games, watching movies, sharing meals. At Christmas we load up and go find Christmas lights, maybe stop for cocoa. Yes, I grieve the lost relationship with my mom, but her issues are not mine and I had to choose the path that kept me the most sane. Hang in there and Merry Christmas.