I was the last person both my estranged older brother and estranged father talked to before they committed respective suicides, twenty years apart. The estrangement was my therapy guided choice. I didn't stand a chance of healing while wallowing in the family dysfunction. Then we get to the younger siblings, nieces, nephews I abandoned to continue wallowing in that family dysfunction.

Guilt City!!!! The shame lights in Guilt City are blinding with lots of creepy, frightfully active shadows at the edge of every shame light.

Works in progress, but the 3 C's remain my front line therapy tool for each guilt attack.

*I didn't Cause it.
*I can't Control it.
*I can't Cure it.

Insert Serenity Prayer here. . .

Gentle empathy while you process, Jenny. Guilt/shame are tough symptoms to manage. I wish we could just wish them out of existence.

You are not to blame for this. Not at all. Gentle hugs.

Jenny, I'm gonna pop your bubble.



Your dad had a pre-existing heart issue. Your dad *chose* to make it an either-or stress situation. Your dad *chose* to cut you out of his life. So how exactly did you kill him? I'm related to people who have directly committed actual lega-defined homicide. There's nothing on your dad's body saying "Jenny did it". There's nothing in the death certificate saying "Cause of Death: Jenny".

Now, did he take care of himself? Did he do what docs told him to and all that? Did he have *NO OTHER CAUSE OF STRESS EVER* in his life but Jenny? For real, if ou describe your family at all accurately, it doesn't read like a warm-happy-fuzzies sort of bunch to begin. So, you think your siblings never ever caused stress in that year? Or before it?

You can feel upset that he died. You don't get to feel responsible for his death. Your revelations *are* important. You were trying to air th edirty laundry and get the family functional, yes? No shame in that. Was it selfish? I dunno. I was raised to think asking for two pieces of bread for a sandwich was selfish. I'm a rotten judge of that stuff.

BUT I was raised Catholic, and raised with my dad's family sprouting homicidal fruit on the family tree every generation since the US CIvil War. I know when I'm to blame for a death. REgret if you want, but don't blame yourself, okay? My late sis and I were never going to be on good terms, but I can regret that over years after her death (and do). Doesn't mean I chose her death, or its timing, or its method, okay? About the last thing my sister said to me in person was "You're only in my wedding to get the numbers right and my other bridesmaids don't want to go down the aisle with (groomsman)." She died about 12 hours later. Literally. I'll always regret that I couldn't find a way and have a chance to "fix" it....

But you're not your dad's killer. Heart disease, yes. You, no. OK? Regret, grieve, but please, don't think you caused his death.

You had a fight with your parents. That's it. That's it.

He had some kind of uncontrolled heart disease. He probably should have been going to the doctor far more often, eating much better, exercising, not taking his medicine as ordered...

If I listed all of the things my ex's family of 4 kid put their parents through...well it's enough to give their parents a heart attack 100 times over. (One of the minor highlights...my ex, age 3-4, ate the baby aspirin. I had never heard of someone actually doing that, well he did, and remembers the ER and getting his stomach pumped. After that car accidents, addictions, stealing a Tastycake truck, joining the Army, etc, etc, etc.)

Your children fighting with you is a GIVEN. IF that's the cause...then he and your mother killed him for having sex and having children. Blaming you is as wrong as blaming you for not being born knowing how to walk.

Parenting is no bed of roses. If you want to be "loved"...get a dog. (Even my ex's family dog ended up in jail one time...) Maybe get a cat??

Guilt is a horrible thing and dies horrible things to people. You cannot blame yourself for your dad's heart attack. It was a medical condition that claimed the life of your father.

I agree with arfie...the 3 c's are a good way to help ease the guilt you are feeling.

I would also suggest talking with a therapist about this also.

Hugs

Your dad had heart problems - not your fault. He made your relationship with your mom about him - not fair and not your fault. It is tragic he died so young, but it can't possibly be your fault. How hard would you have had to work to keep his life stress-free, and could you ever have succeeded? He was very fragile and that's not something you're responsible for. It's time to change the story you've been telling yourself all these years. We humans just don't have that much control over life and death.

I tried through two violent physical attacks on two different Christmases to stay in relationship to my mentally ill dad. Then after the second one, I spent 6 months talking to my therapist every week in preparation, and severed ties for my physical safety.

The whole family, as always, took sides, because the mental illness runs in the family and to face that would mean they would all need to go get checked out. Easier to scapegoat me, so that's what they did.

I knew that's what they'd do, and that cutting ties when my parents were 80 would mean I would miss their funerals and any closure on what had always been a lifetime of difficult relationships.

Oh, and since I wasn't around to defend myself, my father blamed me from then on about anything that went wrong with his health or otherwise in his life. One example is what he did when he got caught embezzling money from a 3,000 member church and got fired in disgrace. Even though we hadn't been in touch for years, I found out that he told everybody that I had ratted him out and it was my fault he got caught.

You didn't kill your dad, and I didn't rat mine out. We're not the center of the universe, we don't run things, we're just in it ourselves doing the best we can.

Thank you all. It was spinning in my head and now that it's out there, not sitting alone with it, it feels a lot better and it's easier to see it's a very immature guilt. I feel like everyone else is secretly blaming me too. That would be immature too. It's like I went to the Catholic church and did my confession and I really do feel free----er. It's coming up to a year in November since he passed away. Plus I went to look up my uncle's phone number online and what pops up but my dad's obituary. Last night was a bit of a perfect storm for me so I apologize if i offended anyone or triggered you in any way.

I wouldn't say "immature", Jenny, so much as a reflexive thing for those of us who were trained to blame ourselves. I don't know what your situation was specifically, but it's a thing that happens with grief and PTSD and families.... And anniversaries are huge triggers!!!

jenny, you are enforcing a false judgment on yourself. Please read carefully what many good supporters are writing here: You are not capable of direct responsibility for your father's health condition, of which it is with the complications of heart disease that likely caused his death. Then, it is true that stress is a factor to weakened heart conditions. Though, for you to claim direct responsibility for his lifetime of stressful circumstances, you are implying that you had power over everything or every matter in his life that influenced stress in your father. So how can that be the truth? And I plead for you to consider your innocence. I care that you should feel better about yourself. And this is all a part of your grieving process too. So be gentle with your emotions at present. This is a difficult time & feelings are sharp or not easily defined, until you've had sufficient time to think clearly be careful with how you judge yourself.

In any case, ironically, you may have added further years to his life, because you loved him unconditionally. Love heals in times of need. In other words, the power of your love moved your father to strengthen by fighting courageously to continue a relationship with you, in spite of his already weakened condition. Courage is important when dealing with a powerful illness too. Could be that the distraction with helping you to cope gave him added hope which meant more to him than life itself. And if he could speak out to you now, he would be thanking you in full faith & credit that you elevated his will to live a few more years than expected, giving him more useful time to settle his earthly affairs before transitioning to his state of physical rest. See things in the light of a higher level now, for he is at peace & resting from the rolling effects of many lifetime struggles. And death at times has a different meaning that's far beyond anything one can imagine. It is expected that at some point we all will die. Yet it is not always death because someone we loved & cared for did something deliberately to cause our dying. So please try greatly to get over your thoughts of guilt. There is nothing that you did that shows evidence that you meant to harm your father in any way, and he would never want that you should feel this way. God bless your father's soul to be at peace & I pray the same for you as well, jenny.

⋐ɦug⋑...ℛℰℳ¡Åℋ...

Thx Leo

Thx remiah

Welcome :-) Be good to yourself for us all...

***kicks stones***

Yeah, I've never (***cough, cough***) blamed myself for something that wasn't my fault.

Fear kept so much locked and twisted up inside of me...

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better today.

Gentle hug of comfort.... I sure get the 'guilt thing' and it sux..... I'm glad that you're feeling better after venting.....xo