Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Two and a half years ago a memory popped into my head. It made me want to cry.
I had know of some events from child hood that were not normal. They involved a teen aged cousin who stayed with us when I was four.
I remembered my father as a strict 'you get one chance to get this right or Wham you may be picking yourself up off the floor' kind of guy. He died when I was nine-thankfully.
Back to this memory from a quarter of a decade ago. IT disturbed me to no end.
I spent the next two and a half year reading more books than I had read in my entire life up to that point. Probably two fold.
Each new book added a new piece of information.
Coupled with that crazy memory and I have tried everything to cry.
Meditation daily sometime five hours a day.
Physically hurting myself (in a non life threatening way) okay I admit spanking - To purposefully flashback to another time and fill in the missing blanks in the movie that my mind was showing me.
Some crazy stuff started to form. I validated some with a family member and still couldn't cry. I think that is because my dad gave me beatings where he would say sadistic and tormenting stuff. At those times he would say, "Now you have a reason to cry." Otherwise I was not allowed to cry even when injured.
Until today. I watched the first disk of three of "This Emotional Life" it is a PBS movie from the library.
Finally, I cried. Onto the next disk. That was just a start. I have a lifetime of pent up pain that needs to cry itself out of me.
I do feel giddy. The feeling before mania. I love the manic times.
More crying. I am sure will help.
I had know of some events from child hood that were not normal. They involved a teen aged cousin who stayed with us when I was four.
I remembered my father as a strict 'you get one chance to get this right or Wham you may be picking yourself up off the floor' kind of guy. He died when I was nine-thankfully.
Back to this memory from a quarter of a decade ago. IT disturbed me to no end.
I spent the next two and a half year reading more books than I had read in my entire life up to that point. Probably two fold.
Each new book added a new piece of information.
Coupled with that crazy memory and I have tried everything to cry.
Meditation daily sometime five hours a day.
Physically hurting myself (in a non life threatening way) okay I admit spanking - To purposefully flashback to another time and fill in the missing blanks in the movie that my mind was showing me.
Some crazy stuff started to form. I validated some with a family member and still couldn't cry. I think that is because my dad gave me beatings where he would say sadistic and tormenting stuff. At those times he would say, "Now you have a reason to cry." Otherwise I was not allowed to cry even when injured.
Until today. I watched the first disk of three of "This Emotional Life" it is a PBS movie from the library.
Finally, I cried. Onto the next disk. That was just a start. I have a lifetime of pent up pain that needs to cry itself out of me.
I do feel giddy. The feeling before mania. I love the manic times.
More crying. I am sure will help.
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
Any reason, even while he (step dad #2) broke leather belts over my backside. I was 25 and into my second marriage (still in it too), an uncle that was very close to me as a boy had passed away, and just all of a sudden after reading the letter, i just busted down and cried. I was raised a man/warrior does not cry for anything Period. Since the gates have been broken I cry at the drop of a hat. I raised my boys to know it is good to cry and not keep stuff thats hurtin inside. Unlike their dad/me they have always had an ear and full backing, oh yeah ONE HELL OF A LOT OF LOVE. I still suffer from the PTSD, probably always will, but I have done my damnedest to not pass on my issues to my kids. My wife has to suffer thru with me.,sort of. I also used to cut the bottoms of my feet to take away from the brain pain,, really stupid idea, really. However it did seem to be the right thing to do at the time. I didn't know at that time what or how bad my issues were. Shit goes deep into our pasts. Buried too bad it can't just stay there.
I hope the cry and those to come will set some of those memms free . It does feel good to cry. I bawled watching UP!! Yep I admit it . Take care now and feel free to let it all out, got kleenex??
Did you know that crying actually releases toxins and bad chemicals through tears? Literally its good for you.
Twilight ; I hope you can finally let it out. It was very strange for me at first. You will in your own time. Try to feel good, and if I don't get asked to leave I shall come back and visit yall, It has felt pretty good to actually talk to folks that have some idea of what we have been thru. It does kind of put me in a bummer for a bit as doe's thinking about the shit doe's anyway. So thanks for lending me your ear and kind hearts.
But just now I recalled my second relationship, where I was crying and the B***** made fun of me. How could someone be so mean. The relationship I am in now, I can't hardly communicate emotionally. I know I am not right .. So much hurt in me, and no one ever took interest in my feelings...
I wouldn't try to force yourself to cry. There are different levels of depression. The deeper levels are BELOW crying. Crying is not even possibly at the lower levels. Not crying does not mean you are not feeling sad for what you've been through. It can mean you are feeling so sad you are too numb to even cry.
Hurrah for you in finding a moment of calm with the teardrops.