Time to take some time off and get the help you need. There are treatment centers with special tracks for professionals. I would suggest that you keep things simple; just explain that you are in burn out and need some space. Everyone will manage without you. Think of it this way, if you were run over by a bus, you would spend a lot of time healing before you could return to work. Everyone would have to manage without you. Healing hugs.

I’ve been there. In some ways I am there. I’m accepting that the only way to deal with it is to feel it. It sucks. I couldn’t figure out why my issues flared up again so strongly. I, like you had spent time keeping busy - working, being a Mom, volunteering, etc. I felt “better,” but I learned that busy isn’t better. I was up to my neck in a problem that I didn’t recognize as a problem. Constant triggers. I don’t know if that could be the case with you or not but it may be worth considering. I also have a hard time letting people in because I’m their support person. Find support for you. It is imperative thst you speak to someone about you. Everyone of your friends know you’re human. I don’t talk to my friends who share very little with me. I’d like to but the relationship feels one sided. Maybe think about who leans on you the least that you could trust. They’re probably less overwhelmed so you’d feel more comfortable and they may really appreciate seeing you as a human, rather than someone who’s got it all together.

I had another person, wiser than me, comment on an item I had posted about my wife's growing anxiety & depression the other day. In my post, I was wondering to what extent age might play into things getting worse. The comment essentially said there is a limit to the amount of BS you can repress before your unconscious becomes a real trainwreck.

That resonated with me...even if one keeps doing what has been working for them, once the repression reservoir is full, a flood happens. Same person, same coping, different outcome.

I am not entirely sure what to do with that, but it is a new page in the owners' manual that is worth studying.

P

I know exactly what you're going through. Some people call it executive burnout. They have other names for it. Sometimes I have found helpful videos on YouTube about it. I myself was very high functioning in the accounting area of a software company. I felt so out of place like I didn't fit in anywhere. But I kept pushing myself because I didn't want to disappoint my husband mainly I guess on some level I didn't want to disappoint myself. I think some of the reason I finally crashed after holding it together for years was because I had a lot of traumas growing up and I was suffering terribly with the memories of the abuse and neglect I experienced. I think the main thing to do is look very hard at your schedule and try to take some things off of it right now. I think you need to talk about the things you remember and of course your feelings about it. It's a very hard thing to do but it's worth it because in the end you'll come out on the other side feeling much better then you do now. If you don't want to go to anyone that you know about from work try to get a doctor that in post-traumatic stress disorder. I know exactly what you're going through as far as when you say you're hurting yourself. I used to drink very heavily and cut myself. The memories are coming back to you now probably because they have nowhere else to go. If you've been pushing them back so long trying not to face them. I know myself I self-medicated with drinking and taking any pill that would take away the bad feelings. After awhile though and probably sooner then we'd like to admit those things only make it worse. But I don't want you to feel like there is no hope because there is hope. If you feel like you need a friend who's got PTSD and eventually burned out from executive burnout then please write to me and I will be able to talk to you and maybe just knowing you have a friend you can trust and talk to might relieve some of this stress that you feel. You do need to talk about it even if you think you don't need to talk about it. The reason you feel so bad is that you're scared of what you might remember. Memories are very frightening especially if they're of bad things that happened where you have no control over the situation. There's three things I have read about that happen when you're experiencing a bad memory and that is fright, flight or freeze. When I was abused I experienced freezing up. I felt the Fright and the flight feeling but I for some reason was like a deer caught in headlights and I just froze up. I think some of the reason I froze up was that my mother did not allow me too show anger. It's a long story but I think primarily she did that was so that I would be a good girl and not express any bad feelings. Please remember that you do matter and what you went through matters also. You may be trying to keep busy because you're afraid of the memories and I understand completely how you feel. I try not to sleep because almost every single night I dream about things that happened when I was a little girl and my teenage years. I was such a mess all I wanted was someone who would love me. I just didn't realize at that point I needed to really love myself enough to admit that I needed to talk about it. I'm here if you need me. Everything will be okay. You don't know me but I want to ask you to please try not to hurt yourself anymore. Please talk about the things you feel but only to the people that you trust.

Hello Cwillis. Welcome to DS.

In my personal herstory, I have come to visualize that *pushing away* that I do to remain functional as a psychic storage closet where I stuff all the living clutter I don't have time or desire to deal with. The closet fills before you know it and as time goes on, it gets harder and harder to get the door closed. Further attempts to stuff pieces of clutter in there result in an avalanche that comes down on my head when I open that door. What's a high-functioning nut job to do? Can I build a new storage closet in my brain? Sigh. . . By the time I got around to sorting my own storage closet, the original traumas had had time and freedom to spawn all sorts of new spin-offs while I was busy being busy.

Whatever your analogy of choice, what to do about ^it^ is about as individualized as a proposition can get. No two cases are the same and available options vary and change continually. Ah, if only it was as simple as the encouragement to, "Get help" implies. One of the greater consistencies in my own healing journey has been that my peer support network is a great place to sort it out. The experience and diversity of the peer support network has helped me find options I never would have found on my own or even with the help of a single member of the pro nets.

DS is one of the peer support spots on my network. Hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. Welcome aboard.

Welcome, I'm "high functioning" on the outside, too, cwillis495. As a former ER chaplain I worked directly in trauma hospitals. Yet that never meant my CPTSD recovery was something I could take for granted. It was harder to put my own experience into words than I was to write on patient charts about theirs as my job required me to do.

Coming here has helped me find my voice, especially since what I learn here has led to my speaking at churches once a month about what I learn here. When I have to write those 8 page talks I give, it forces me to summarize what I'm learning here.

So I'm glad you've joined us. This is a healing group.

I really thank all of you for your responses. Processing these but very grateful. It feels like a lifeline.