You said " I don't expect him to understand. But I just feel like he doesn't feel like dealing with it. That hurts me more than anything."

I am sorry also that this is hurting you, but what you wrote says a lot. Have you told him why it's hurting you? If you have and that's the feeling you still have...then you have to put your self care first. This may be hard for many reasons I know. But you can't overcome this with out his support in this. There may just be too much "boy" in the boyfriend. I have had both kinds , the good help you with it, the other not so much, may even do more harm in the long run.

I am so sorry there are no easy answers on this, except for you when you are strong enough to feel "worthy" of a good "love". As good for you, as him. This will take some work.

Gentle hugs
J.

He does help me. But doesn't really understand my disorder. Like he's usually supportive about things. He's just confused about why it bothers me so much. Maybe he does understand and I just don't notice I don't know. But I do know that he's not a jerk or anything like that. and he does care about me. He does comfort me when I cry and stuff. I just think maybe I'm not explaining it right or something. Out relationship is great other than this issue with porn.

It was a disqualifier for me 35 years ago when I was last "on the market", but ya gots to your own inventory on this one.

For what it's worth, being that picky about my choice in a mate didn't save me from going through similar reactions to what you describe as I worked through my sexual abuse issues. Different triggers, similar responses. For me, it remained part of the process. A nasty, mind ripping part of the process. I remain amazed that my husband cared enough to stand by me through it. He was a big help, even when he didn't understand. It's not about being perfect. It's about working it out.

Gentle, sustaining hugs while you work through your unique case, Morning.

there are some forums for spousespartners of sex addicts you might get some help there..i am suffering from PTSD from the trauma caused by my husbands porn/sex addiction...you are not alone and you deserve more...shoot me a Pm if you want...

I TOTALLY understand how the porn issue can cut you to the core.

DO you expect him to never watch porn because of your past and present issues? Do you think that's reasonable?

It sounds like he told you, so he's not hiding it, which is good. Maybe he's doing it because he's dedicated to you and since you don't live together, he's using it as an appropriate way to meet his needs. He's not cheating. As long as it's not out of proportion in his life, some may not think it's a bad thing.

I can understand why some people think it's gross. But it is made by adults for adults. I think your views of sex and his may be very different, due to your past.

If he's supportive in every other way, maybe he just needs to understand what you go through as a survivor and how his porn is very difficult for you to accept.

Maybe you can research online how the two of you can handle it? Maybe find a book that deals with this.

Why do you feel dirty? Maybe explore that. It may not be the fact that he's watching the porn, but that it's making old issues resurface. Maybe it's a way for you to get to the next level of healing and he can support you.

Hugs.

Deli last paragraph has some very god points to consider. You are a beautiful soul, but just need some help accepting that. At times when starting this type of exploration, we find that somewhere we at one time put the blame for what happened on ourselves,,,that dirty feelin is the result. Therapy, councilor and couples healthy relationship type can help get the language started. I found help at a womens center, from there it lead me to a therapist that is helping, but it is work, i won't lie. The longer it sits the deeper it gets. Mine had a 52 year head start.

*good...a typist I am not, but some here are used to it.

Ps the womens center was a non profit, sliding scale or no cost at all.

Sign me up.
Porn horrifies me. I get squirrely about "romance" in books (and avoid "50 Shades of Grey" after reading one review, I thought I'd throw up)....

My hubby of 21 years admitted that in his teens, yes, he masturbated to Playboy.... but since we've been together, he's had, as he puts it, "no need for that crap". (I take that as such a compliment.) Even when after my accident we couldn't have sex, he didn't do anything like watch porn or "attend himself"---to him that was disloyal. ANd he knew about my feelings.

I got my feelings from my mom, who raised me to believe porn is degrading to women and teaches men to think of women in the worst possible ways, as not-quite-people. Maybe if you explain to your boyfriend that sexual abuse and porn stem from the same mindset? That you're not a PERSON, just a "thing"? Speaking as a rape survivor, I know how that works to some extent---it takes away a portion of the self that can't be replaced. You lose personhood, IMO, and porn is depersonalizing women.

Just a thought, sorry to ramble.
Getnlest hugs,
Leo

Oh, Boy.

I'm so sorry.

Your post had me thinking ... about something I re-learned in a Couples Communication course, years ago.

Therapists often say that they can predict the long-term success or failure of a relationship by watching how the couple solves problems together.

This would be a big one. It's a big problem, and a serious "hot-button issue," primarily for you. No judgment there. You're DEFINITELY entitled !

I guess I'm thinking about negotiations and compromise.

I'm also thinking about how important it can be to phrase things in terms of "I ..." meaning:

"When you do [blank], *I* feel ..... [this way and that]"

It's really easy to phrase things in terms of "you."

"I HATE when you ......."

I think that puts people on the defensive.

The second immensely hard part is to stay calm, quiet, and loving throughout the discussion, even taking breaks if needed.

Is it "too much" for somebody to totally give up porn in his life ?

I don't know.

Personally, I don't think "pornography" should be the thing the two of you debate, here. I think your response to his actions might be the more productive conversation.

[meaning: whether or not it's inherently sinful, evil, abusive, demeaning, bad for women, etc., .... might be things for others to debate. You may make more progress sticking to your reaction to his interest in porn]

But maybe you can negotiate something that works for both of you -- get your feelings out, your explanations heard, and your desires understood.

Both of you.

My wife and I have been together -- mas o menos -- for 17-1/2 years. We do NOT problem solve elegantly or gracefully, but ... boy, do we work on it :-)

At least, I know *I* do :-)

Maybe there IS a middle ground that meets both of your needs.

I truly hope so.

David makes a good point. My hubby isn't "into" porn---but if it's somehow important to your boyfriend, maybe finding out *why* can help you find a course between your two points of view?

It sounds condescending, but hoenstly, my hubby and I read "Communication for Dummies" and "Marriage for Dummies" back in our early years when those books were just coming out---and learnedf a LOT of good stuff about how to talk, how to listen, how to realize that there's gonna be stuff you can't always agree on, etc....

Upshot is, is he willing to listen, and are you? If you both are, then that's the first big step.

Let us know how you are, okay?