Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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no matter how hard I try I can't feel heard or validated with my original family. I'll be trying to make someone understand but it doesn't work. I shut down after my convo with my mom went no where and let her go. Then, as history loves to repeat itself, I went and texted her what I couldn't say on the phone.
My latest jenny show-
You shut me down when I try to explain myself, did it again today, changed the subject and that's your way of doing things, I get it. But when I have to do the ups and downs it's my prerogative to do my thing too. I get you, I hear you and I empathize with you, being a mom myself I know what a moms wishes are for her family. Hear me when I say my decision is not to hurt you, it's not even about you period. Granted your feelings have swayed me in the past but it never got us any further. What it did get us was not talking to each other for a long time. When I asked what the alternative was I was hoping you would remember.
I'm wrong when I'm trying to fix things with ____ and now I'm wrong when I'm doing exactly what she has chosen to do with me for 5 odd years. If by me choosing to put my life and well being in my own hands is wrong then I'm not sure if your type of support is what I need either. In all fairness you have to see I'm not trying to sway any opinions on them personally, I don't even care if you agree with the situation. What I do care is at the end of the day I know I tried with her and eventually the time lost is time not worth regaining. Call it fear of getting hurt, ego perhaps, but it is where I'm at comfortably until you put it back on the surface.
If a person doesn't like something they fix it, if they can't they change it. I'm at the changing point and can sleep at night with my choice. Again I'm not happy it affects you but I do expect you to respect me enough to not make it resurface every single time we talk. When I call you I call to talk to you...if I wanted to know about them don't you think I would call them? It's not a matter of principle here it's just a matter of me trying to move on and be as happy as I can be and unfortunately for you that sucks but how you choose to help yourself with what you're stuck dealing with is on you.
So for the last time please value our relationship and let stuff out of your control remain in the hands that are responsible. I'm not doing this over and over again for the rest of my life.--
now im sitting here thinking what the fuck did you just do...realistically I know what I've done, gave my bottom line in hopes it's respected. As per usual what I fear I've done is shook the boat and caused problems. God I'm not ready for this, I just would like to be respected and life to remain calm. *Face palm.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
It's what you do next that counts. Got any new tricks to try?
I still have frequent flashes of grief that I cannot look to my most of my family members for validation, but the grief hurts less since I accepted it as a *simple* fact. It are, indeed, a snotty knot.
Gentle support while you recover. Easy does it.
When communication failed I resorted to training. "If you do this, that happens." If she cares about "that" happening you may be able to train her. If not, or if it's more fun to feel victimized and get all that commiseration from her allies than to make that tiny change that you are asking her for, then you may be out of luck as far as your mom is concerned.
You are not wrong though! You are not asking for a whole lot and you are totally entitled to that small amount of consideration.
Oh goodness. I go through the exact same thing. It is frustrating, irritating and gets me so angry.
The only thing working for me is controlling myself and sticking to the boundaries I have set. If they push past that boundary? They are done. It gives me control of my needs. There are a few people in my current life that fought them hard, but when they saw I was holding them up they started to learn or they would leave. I was ok with them leaving because if they cannot respect me they should not be in my life at all. When people would violate me by talking over top of me? I would walk off and not return. No words said, just walk off. If what I am saying is not important enough for you to stop and listen even just here or there then you are not important enough for me to sit here and listen to you.
You have drawn a line. It will be hard but hold the line. I got a lot of backlash but eventually it settled down when they knew I would not budge.
My mother listened to nothing I ever said. Meanwhile I was required to listen to her rant for 4-5-6 hours at a time.
I never cut her off, but I avoided her calls as much as I could.
You've got my sympathies. All of them.
Patti
As far as my mom goes, I'm going to accept her the way she is, selfish, zero insight and even less empathy. Limit phone calls, have a game plan for when her selfishness gets to be too much and try, oh god it's going to be hard, to focus on the few good qualities she has. I realize if I'm not talking to her then she can't upset me. Simple right lol.
As far as myself well it begins with not owning hers, or anyone's feelings...honesyly a lot less simple for myself than it sounds. To stop sharing meaningful stuff with her because I know it won't get the credit it deserves from her. Never look for validation from her period. Basically mother myself and draw on them good people I'm blessed to have in my circle.
Thank you all for understanding and the great advice and thank you for not judging me. I'm also really sorry for those who do have to endure this type of relationship and commend those who walked away. I have a feeling it will come to that myself so I can appreciate what you have felt and why you chose to cut the cancer out. It's not an easy decision.