Throughout this massive crusade you launched against the mental health System, I have wondered what happened to those wonderful exercises you were sharing a year ago.

I am not an expert on your life, CC, but this sure sounds like the PTSD talking. The same PTSD symptoms which told you you could be the resident expert after a few weeks of answering phone calls? Insert therapy exercises here? Just wondering. . . It be yours to sort.

PTSD does not equal stupidity, CC, however weird the symptoms which manifest as a result of it. I need to believe that for my own sake, as well as every person on my peer support network.

You're not an idiot for standing up for what's right. People rarely change but you raised awareness for the people who do care.
Don't sabotage yourself. You don't know how the interview would have gone. You should try to apply again if that's what you want to do. Not trying is the only sure way toward failure.

Hugs. I don't mind listening.

***holds pillow for if you want something to scream into***

I would do your best to let it go CC..... This has nothing to do with being an idiot..... Venting is good..... If it were me I wouldn't talk about it to any future employers, volunteer or otherwise..... big hug......xo

absolutely time to apply your tools. let this one go. big hugs, xo

Last night was a night from hell. I don't think it was so much the PTSD causing the problem as it was the depression. I was feeling completely overwhelmed, hopeless and helpless. I totally gave up and shut down. I was having intrusive thoughts, and at times hated myself so badly I could hardly stand to be in my own skin. It was the worst night I have had in a long time and their was absolutely no alcohol involved in this meltdown. I was up all night and went to work at 1am. Thank god for work and coffee. Work was a nice distraction and seemed to help me stop the spiral. Now I am just exhausted and emotionally flat, still depressed but in a bit better place than last night thank God.

I decided last night I would quit rather than wait to be fired. The prolonged waiting for a decision about my volunteer position was overwhelming me. I am sure they were doing this on purpose holding out for me to quit out of fear I would go to the media. That was exactly my plan. My depression drove me to "oh what the is point, no one cares anyway, just quit and give it up, no one cares". I got up this morning and felt a bit disappointed in myself for giving up and not following thorough on my plans.

Tonight I am able to see a couple things. I fell through the cracks when I was sick, I kept reaching out and either no one was there or no one wanted to help because I did not fit into a neat little group of how I got my PTSD. So, this whole attitude of no answer a phone call from someone reaching out for help is ridiculous and completely unacceptable to me. Particularly while there are resources available that could help answer those calls. So I think this started out as a trigger, which I was able to get under control and decide to do something about it the problem. When talking with them about the concern they patronized me and brushed me off. This retriggered me and I got angry. I am not sure I got over the anger and that drove me into depression. Eventually, the anger let up and the depression remained. I felt so hopeless and helpless, I gave up on everything in life, including the plan I had in place to force change and get people help in the form of calls being answered.

This got worse last night after the other place I was going to volunteer returned my call. I needed them to do an interview with the media and of course they refused and then indicated they had concerns about me facilitating a course, so I again felt no control over my future, hopeless and helpless. I withdrew my application to be a mental health facilitator.

So there we have it. I quit everything and felt like a huge loser for letting other dictate what I decide to do. I felt I was going to get fired, so I quit, why bother. I felt that the concerns about my ability to facilitate a group was a nice way to let me down they would not hire me as a volunteer so I withdrew my application. Why, well low self-esteem perhaps? Depression? Maybe both? Flight? Well, I have not figured this stuff out yet.

Right now I am exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I beat myself up emotionally very badly last night. I just felt I was being beat up by everyone and kind of joined in I guess.

I think I need a few days of quiet and not being bugged by anyone. I am going to turn my phone off and sleep a lot and rest my brain.

I will be off line for a couple days.

Hello! You are not a horrible person. There isn't anything wrong with trying to do the right thing. This opportunity didn't work out for you, but it doesn't mean it is over. There isn't a door God can't open so keep trying and pursuing you degree. You can overcome this. Hang in there! Praying for you.