Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I've been struggling all weekend. I think I just need some support, maybe some ideas too. With the anniversary of my mother's death i have feeling down and anxious. Worse yet, my husband who really does not understand why I can't just forget my past, the abuse, shooting, knife attack where I severely injured or killed my attacker, multiple major accidents as a passenger which I sustained major injuries and have disabilities from today, dying from a blind epidural in response to one of the accidents, hostile work environment and finally all the horrific things I have seen working to support emergency agencies.
I did put most of my past behind me for many years. It wasn't until recently that my PTSD was triggered and it all came back to haunt me. Nightmares I hadn't had in 20 years came back with new ones from recent trauma. My husband had no idea of my past trauma until he stumbled across a journal of events I had written for my Tdoc. He was only aware of the hostile work environment. I should of told him, but I didn't want him to think of my family differently or have to deal with what I have been through.
Half of last week and through part of the weekend he kept yelling at me for trivial things like the way I unplugged the vacuum or rearranged the kitchen because he couldn't find what he was looking for. He is bad about critiquing me sometimes. Then other times he is so sweet and loving. This weekend he wouldn't stop yelling even though I asked him to stop multiple times which is a trigger for me. At one point I sunk to my knees with hands over my ears and went into disassociation and completely blanked out until he touched my arm and then I almost punched him out of instinct and stopped myself. I have this issue when woken up suddenly out of sleep. I have very violent nightmares. This side of me scares me because I don't want to hurt anyone. I shook for several hours after this episode. I tried to talk to my husband telling him I couldn't take this anymore that he had to stop yelling at me or I would have to leave. He had tears in his eyes and said he would stop and understood that I had PTSD but just could not understand how I could be affected the way that I was.
I know that he is angry because he can't hug me right now or get close. My Tdoc tells me to be patient with myself that recent events have overwhelmed me and that I have been through a lot. I ended up cutting myself multiple times to try to feel the emotions that I can not express because I am too numb. I know there are other ways of coping and it was stupid. I haven't been able to cry for at least 3 years even when my good friend died. I am taking tons of meds and am sedated because I think both my tdoc and pdoc feel that I could really harm myself and keep asking me if I have access to my guns which I don't. I think they feel because of my anger and training that I could harm others, but as I explained to them that yes I am angry, but I took an oath to serve and protect.
How do you explain PTSD to someone who thinks that you can just get over it? Does anyone wake up fighting or screaming? I am going through exposure therapy, but because there are multiple traumas in my life, my Tdoc says that I will need long term therapy. My Pdoc suggested inpatient therapy, but I don't like the idea of being in a facility that I can't walk out of. Thank you for letting me get this out of my system.
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Welcome to the Perseid meteor showers, the "biggies" usually every year. (The Leonids beat 'em one year IMHO).AND today much of the northern hemisphere will see 5 to 99% solar eclipse. How cool is that? Your best bet is to be in the UK or norhtern Spain, where totality is excellent before sundown. Me, I'll get a super duper tiny itty bitty slice of it, so little that it won't be noticeable. New...
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... observed a solar eclipse.
I'm not often angry (I fear anger even in myself) but .... trying to explain PTSD to a non-PTSDer? Like me trying to grasp what it'd be like to have grown up as my hubby did. No abuse. No fear. No ... Well, he was among the blessed/lucky/etc. Me? No.
This link helped my hubby. A little. I got it from someone on this site, in fact, years ago. It helped my hubby b/c his instinct is to hug and hold an dprotect ---- and if you get between me and an exit when I'm feeling triggered or just... yeah, it's a bad idea. So... Now he knows to stand a certain distance away, don't push, find my fleece blankets. (He's still not great at talking me back from a flashback, but... Hey, whatever I can get.)
https://sometimesmagical.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/supporting-a-loved-one-through-ptsd-or-panic-attacks/
This is probably gonna sound weird but, is there a small-ish physical item that reminds you that you're safe, or powerful, or strong; or that cues you to stay in the present moment and reminds you you're not in any of your traumatizing situations? Could something like that help with the nightmares, if you could keep it close by?
Would things ease up if you slowed down on, but kept at, the exposure therapy? (I haven't had a chance to try exposure therapy yet, so not sure if that's an option or not.)
I hope posting relieved some of the stress. If I were going to go voluntarily into a facility I'd want to have an escape plan set up first, I have trouble trusting people in authority, for multiple reasons. But, if it looks like it might help you, could you do it temporarily, just 'til you get through this rough patch?
Prayers, hugs when helpful, and supportive thoughts.
"How do you explain PTSD to someone who thinks that you can just get over it?"
You don't, just speaking for myself. I tried in two marriages, one of which was ten years long, and PTSD such a physical thing and not just a mental thing that empathy is nice but it's not the fullest understanding. That's why I come here where people do know what it feels like in the mind and beyond.
"Does anyone wake up fighting or screaming?" Yes. Prazosin at night helps.
"I am going through exposure therapy" It took me 12 years of weekly therapy to get to the point you're at doing this exposure therapy. I brought an old friend into the process and he literally went with me back to the place where my combat trauma happened to me as a kid, so I didn't go through it alone. My therapist and my friend got me through it. I'm glad I did it, it was a turning point in my PTSD recovery that allowed me to open up enough to be here in this DS PTSD group.
We're with you.
Leo, that is a great link. I forwarded it to my husband.
Beryl, I have a few things I keep close...a titanium ball, top and challenge coin, I try not to disassociate, but I have a problem when triggers hit me like my husbands yelling, sometimes it comes on so quickly and I am prone to dissociative amnesia where I lose time and don’t remember how I got to where I find myself or what I’ve done during that time.
Muji, I wish I could take Prazosin or Clonidine, but my blood pressure is low and my Pdoc does not want to prescribe either drug. She is hoping that sedation will cause me to sleep, but I fight it because it doesn’t help with the nightmares. I am thinking of asking her to work with my primary to change my blood pressure meds.
Thank you all for your support.