I think there are so many unanswered questions in life that we will never know or get the answers too. Sometimes even the answers don't provide the closure or comfort we thought they would. I am currently in school and have had assignements trigger me. This last week, my PTSD flared up and I had to get an estention on a paper. Give yourself some grace and be patient and loving to yourself. I have had to learn to sit with the answers I can not find or will never figure out and make up a new narrative in my head that helped to give me some peace.

oh, my, yes, i have and still do deal with this. inside my own skin, it feels more like the fog of psychosis than hypervigilance, though hypervigilance is a psychosis in its own right. for sure, it triggers my ocd ticks like a bad dog. i;ve heard ^it^ called, "normalization" where my brain is attempting to find the normal within the aberrations of trauma. by whatever name, it is a booger bear.

i have wondered a time or fifty if the quest to understand insanity is the very heart and soul of ptsd. why did my parents sell me into prostitution? because they were sick. what more do i need to know? there is little functional value in understanding insanity. it is what it is, whether i understand it or not.

where is that frigging wish fairy? why does any of this exist, to begin with?

(((((Pineapplesun))))))
Oh yes I understand, you are not alone.
& Arfie thanks for what you wrote up there ^ it helped me to read that


I’m glad you reached out pineapple, here with you friend
Gentle hug <3

Trigger Warning--literally, a TRIGGER warning

As you may know, I've got a gap in my trauma narrative I'll never fill in, pineapplesun, but it has come up every day since I was 15 and I'm 64 now. Some days I fill it in one way, some days the other.

It's about how my torture session at 15 ended when I was a missionary kid growing up overseas. The officer in charge of my torture took out his pistol, put it to my temple and pulled the trigger. NO bullet. He cocked it again, put it there again, and pulled the trigger again. Again no bullet. Then, laughing, he let me live and let me go.

Was each trigger pull a joke? Or was each trigger pull's failure to fire a bullet and kill me a mechanical gun failure? Why am I alive?

I'll never know. I just try to make the most of whatever it was that let me be here and have my 64th birthday two days ago, dumb luck or not.

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone. It is helpful. I sometimes forget that it is normal part of your brain to fill in the blanks. Its an important survival mechanism for survival. And I often have to remind myself of that.

Mel, you are right that sometimes the answer is best left unknown. I am trying to learn how to make peace with the unknown. Haven't learned to accept it yet. Any recommendations? Or did it take time for you? I also struggle with giving myself grace.

Arfie, you are also right in that there is indeed little functional value in understanding the whys.

Muji, you have cheated death a lot. I am really happy you are alive otherwise I wouldn't have met you on this awesome support group. You bring lots of things to perspective. I am so thankful for that.

Today, I have been focusing on how much I feel I have been ungrateful for the things I do have in life. I feel selfish. I hope to one day be happy with life again.

lil-missy, I appreciate your support and hugs! Its so nice to relate to people who understand.

Thanks for sharing such kind words about my survivability, pineapplesun. It kind of surprises me, to be honest. I joke around with friends that cockroaches and I are tough to kill. But jokes aside, I'd like to think there's some reason we're all here--and if not, we'll create one that makes sense to those of us who get what it's like to outlive trauma. Sending you support in the meantime every day. You're an amazing person, my friend.