My dad suffered a lot under cruel nurses and doctors (universal "free" healthcare here) and I was with him 3.5 weeks in the hospital/s.  Then they allowed me to bring him home and sent a "palliative" doctor to visit us daily who filled my fridge with morphine and anti-psychotics encouraging me to give him injections regularly.  My dad was ok the one day (eating liquid food and talking) and after she administered these 2 shots, he could no longer talk, open his mouth.  They withheld water and food and medication from him during the last 1.5 weeks (even though he was supposed to be palliative and made as comfortable as possible).  He cried and screamed for water and they pushed me away when I tried to apply some sponged water to his mouth.

Now it's 7 months later.  I can't handle:

- movies on TV about hospitals and doctors and death

- driving past the hospitals where he was

- even seeing an ambulance drive past as I commute to work makes me cringe

- watching the news where dead people are taken away on a gurney

- anything associated with death, even state funerals

- watching the constant news here in Canada about assisted dying and euthanasia being legalised (I'm sure they killed my dad)

I get these flashbacks of fighting for his life with the doctors who insisted I sign a DNR before even a diagnosis, of the nurses washing his private parts till he bled and cried, of him crying for water and hate wells up in my heart.  I wish all these people would be given great suffering by God (if He is just, shouldn't He do that)?  I can't report any of the bad treatment because we are limited to the doctors we can go to and the hospitals - and mom is also old and they will take revenge on her.  Mom shares the same doctors as dad, and I can't face the cardiologist because he just smirked when dad was under his care in the hospital and told me to give up.

Mom saw how dad had been abused by the nurses (so many bruises caused by them they couldn't cover his hands at the funeral) and is fearful and refuses to be treated for illnesses so I'm struggling to care for her.  We always trusted the healthcare "professionals" but government fund cuts have turned them all into money grabbing demons without any compassion.

How does one cope except by crying and praying to a God who didn't answer our prayers in the worst time of our lives?  I have no siblings, spouse or kids - and dread my mom getting ill, and even my own aging.  Do I just go bungee jumpee, sky diving and hope to die suddenly?  I certainly will not give the authorities here the pleasure and privilege of causing me so much pain that I ask to be assisted to die!!!!!