(((hope)))
I don't know how my wife supported me the twenty years we were together before she passed this year from Cancer. I offer gently hugs and suggest maybe you make an appointment with a ptsd counselor yourself for just a consultation and perhaps a trained professional can offer you more insight.

I believe the simple fact that you want to help is a third of the battle right there. xo

The fact that your husband is currently going to a bar for his therapy makes me wonder if you can best support him by going to Alanon. For me, the hardest part of loving someone is leaving them room to walk their own healing path. Alanon helps me do that.

Just a suggestion. . . Continued support while you find what works for you, Hopi.

I'm going to echo Arfie. Alanon and maybe a nice safe distance... and you can't help him till he helps himself out by facing the tough tstuff. Easier said than done, as I know (complex PTSD myself). Honestly, just make sure you stay okay and have support, and that'll help you feel more ready to help if/when he reaches out.

Healing hopes for you.

I agree with the others try Alanon. Even if he isn't an alcoholic it will help you with your situation. I wonder what his reaction would be if you put him in a hospital. My diagnosis is major depression secondary to ptsd and anxiety. My wife and I were married for over 20 years before I sought help. I hope you both can get some relief and help soon.

Thanks a lot everyone for all the suggestions. I really appreciate it. I think for now I'm going to let him walk his own path to healing, making sure I get better so that he feels safe with me & so I can help when he does reach out. And that will include boundaries to avoid situations in which we both trigger each other. I think that is the worst. His go-to reaction is anger, mine is disassociation. I trigger around angry people, he triggers when he thinks I am ignoring/ emotionally abandoning him. I'll look into anon - try siggest it without him feeling like I'm attacking. The thing is he supported me first. I went through a really really bad patch for about 12 years of being together. And he never gave up on me. Not once. But it feels lile he is so much better at it than me - he is a caretaker, while I struggle just to take care of myself.

I agree keep supporting yourself as needed with Al-non or what works for you.
Your last line was telling..."he's a caretaker" He may be more comfortable directing his energies in fixing, rather than maintaining or growing in a relationship. He may even feel frustrated with not feeling as worthy any more, now that you seem better.
That is a form of co-dependence. But not all codependency is bad. Couples do it all the time with each the yin to the other's yang. So maybe a redirection will help? If you look at what you both feel a passion for it may give you both a place to put your energies? There maybe some meetup group things to try, where you have personal space and required duties...canoeing comes to mind.

Anger as a "go to" is not the best use, so again divert it to something positive. Set safety boundaries for you.

I don't mean to trigger you but some "caretakers" hurt in anger to have something to fix again, It's what they may have experienced growing up in parents that proudly state they stayed together for their children regardless if the constant fighting. Forcing the child to be the "caretaker, fixer, target, weapon and/or soother" Or seen as a modeled role.

That cycle is not a good thing for you.

Take what fits and toss or store what doesn't.
Healing hopes.
J.

I'm so encouraged by your commitment to your relationship in a time when people tend to flee from any relationship when it becomes difficult. I'm reminded of how an 'iron sharpens iron' and we are better together. I'm not sure what your faith is, but I am a firm believer in the power of a praying spouse. People cannot change without the Strength to change/heal (often times).

A couple of years back when in Alanon did me lots of good. In fact that face to face support group's what prepared me to come here.

As for not a spouse not wanting to go to therapy for PTSD, can't say spousal support could ever be any substitute for that. I went to therapy for mine, and it was the only thing that made a difference, just speaking from my own experience as a patient.

You are very kind to do this and he is lucky to have you. Sounds like therapy is the answer as you are not one and too close. I know he said he would not and I would just put it out as final request for your marriage. I would say it in a loving way that your there to support him but if he is drinking and hanging in bars and not helping himself that doesn't leave you many options
Some times we have to do touch love, he gets help or one of you move out temporally until he does, in the end you love him and want to help and not enable.

I guess he's good at helping you after having twelve years of practice, why shouldn't he be competent. Try caring for him and you too can learn the same skills and feel competent at it too. Don't be daunted at the task ahead of you. The fact you care and want to help is huge in this world.

Twelve step groups can be a great way to learn to give and receive support and to socialise at a distance. Why don't you both go? I bet he would like to be apart of a group.

For recommended help on learning to cope with feelings there's dbt which is a mix of mindfulness distress tolerance emotional regulation etc ... It's mostly educational if you receive this help professionally so why buy the book and practice these skills together?

Hope things improve, you sound worried for his safety at the pub. If he's honestly doing it for superficial human contact then why not suggest he try aa instead.

Thank you so much for all the comments. It is really helping me think through what is going on and what to do about it. That is exactly right Jill - he is honestly doing it for superficial human contact, because he struggles to have healthy relationships, but he still needs that human contact. Any relationship he has he gets 'too involved', there are too many triggers & it causes too much pain. It is like living without a skin.

One of the big problems I have is that he is just as 'stubborn' as me. Any remote sense that someone is trying to control/ influence/ change/ manipulate him and all systems shut down on red alert. I've tried multiple times to come up with all kinds of activities like going to therapy (group and/ or individual), joining support groups, church groups, meetups, etc. I've invited him to join me for meditation, exercise, walks on the beach, anything. The answer is no. This makes me feel pretty helpless & doesn't leave me too many options.

Maybe the problem is me. I'm not the safest, most stable, easiest person to be around either. I'm also living without a skin. I also have problems with human contact & relationships, even though I have the need for it. I've given up on trying to have a relationship with anyone but him a long time ago, so I commend him for still trying. I guess. He is the only person I will never give up on though. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how many times I get triggered.

I am trying to be better & I am a lot better - more stable, more normal. I committed myself to a psychiatric clinic last year & ever since then I've been committed to just trying everyday to be better. I meditate, when I have money I go to therapy, I take my medication, I excercise, I work on having less moodswings. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to be -good enough - remember I don't have a skin. I don't know if I'll be able to be what he needs me to be.

I've started crafting little cards & posters with positive affirmations - putting them up all over the house - giving them to him as little gifts every now and again. I try to communicate to him that I will never give up on him, that I'm always here for him. And I keep on inviting him to atleast try meditation with me, even just for 5 minutes.

Maybe I am in a co-dependent relationship? Maybe I am the one that needs to let this go & just trust that he will be okay and that we'll survive? But this is so important to me. I can't live without him. I want to actively work towards growing the relationship.

Anyone any more comments & suggestions please keep them coming. Thank you!

Big hug hoping.....

I agree that Al-Anon might be a great place for you to find support and healthy boundaries..... Al anon is for 'you to go to'

You becoming co dependent won't be helpful to either of you ... It will continue to deteriorate

I appreciate that you love one another .... That's nice to read however when I read this it makes me think of the film/book Glass Castle and there is sure a lot of pain involved within the love

When I read that he will turn down any help offered to him as manipulation/control etc ...

It reads like he's deflecting probably in an angry way good help in order not to look at his behaviour and look at changing it....

This resembles from what you're writing addictive behaviour?? Is this possible?... If he's not an alcoholic at this point it reads as though he's on the way there? perhaps?

This is really unhealthy hoping the way things stand now..... Getting help for you in a place such as Al anon might just help him in the long run as well

Big hug.... I wish you both well......xo


This is some good info on codependency and this is what places such as Al-anon work to help

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

I agree with alanon.

I have another thought too.

Since he triggers around feelings of abandonment, can you create bonding experiences around morning activities? Even if you don't see him, make him a cup of coffee and leave a note?

IDK, just a thought,