And it’s not even half over.

Brutal honesty I’m so over life. That is a big bold statement and I mean it. I can’t do anything but today, I have thrown hope out the window for someone else to catch. This is a day I am just getting through. I’m exhausted. 

I’m weening a toddler who’s sick. That’s real life. It’s awful.

Weening itself is awful.

Having sick toddlers is awful.

Divorce is awful.

I need time to stop.

I have so many phone calls to make and not a second to even breathe.

This day is awful.

Sunday he had lunch with us, was a perfect gentleman. Maybe you read my post about self doubt. I asked later why he had stopped paying for things. He said he’s had troubles with his bank (although he offered to pay for my medication and seemed concerned for my mental health - being cruel is all) He proceeded to deposit half what he owes from this last month and says the rest will be there this week. Then he asked why I decided that I didn’t want to discuss time sharing etc without our lawyers present. My response, “I’ve already explained.”

My self doubt is high enough. I won’t defend myself and allow him to grow it into an even bigger giant. But I am so so mad. He’s not parenting at all. If any of you even think about saying I did this to myself I will end DS. Even before I set SAFE LEGAL BOUNDARIES for the kids, he wasn’t parenting. He’d take them one night a week, literally for 24 hours. They’d come home exhausted and hungry. Needing boundaries and requesting he meet very reasonable legal standards then take them every other weekend for the entire weekend is perfectly healthy and good for all of us in the long run. He’s missing out on the heartache of the kids missing him, the gross noses, the tantrums, THE WEENING, the parenting and when we saw him Sunday, one wasn’t feeling well and still it was all giggles and snuggles. I get all the hard days AND all the judgment - for doing the right thing and I am SO MAD. I’m also so behind on bills we share. I can’t afford his car insurance or the entire credit card bills without his help and not being able to pay them puts me in a position where he can legally say I forfeited my right to split the debt when I failed to make the payments. That’s real life. So many Catch 22s in divorce. Filled with fury and I have no place to put it. Except on myself.

I struggle with food - going back and forth between eating too much and not eating at all and today is just hard. I made myself eat. I’m sick of not understanding my brain. I hate EVERYTHING.

I need rest. I know I’ll stop saying “everything” if I can get some rest but sick toddler, searching daycares, gearing up to move. I got more sleep last night than I have in a while but still we were up every two hours, dosing our fever reducers as we were able to. Poor kid feels awful. 

Shes asleep though. I think. Was fussing and mad about not having booby before nap time when I started writing but now she’s asleep. That’s a plus. Maybe I can at least enjoy silence for ten minutes.