Marah, what wonderful timing for that call. For me, so often in giving support, I also feel supported. It may have to do with hearing my healthy self speak, and also listening. Change is always hard, and some people don't know how to just say I will miss you. That may have been the case with your husband. Hugs.

oh god, abuse, the destroyer of my life, if anything ever put me down that road im at now abuse started it all. mine acquired when i was a child to young to save myself,, my step uncle sexually abused me for several years. not until i got big enough to say no did it ever stop. that took almost 5 years. oh god that messed me up badly, almost hung myself when i was twelve the sin of it lingers and festers for years, you feel the shame and the guilt also, even tho you hate it with a passion part of it felt good, it caused massive guilt. after it was over the pain didn't stop there twenty some years later it resurfaced, my wife was treating me really bad told me she would rather die then to live one more week with me. god i was hurting bad,, went to the doctor and tried this very strong psycho active drug because i was extremely depressed myself, what happen next puzzled me the rest of my life,
i caught myself starting to act out my sexual abuse to my own children oh god this was so crazy, i loved them more then myself, how could it be possible? but that one crazy act made me the disgusting being on earth i felt i needed to be punished the sin is im labeled for life. that kind of crime carries a life sentence,, despite the fact i cant understand how or why it happened, i lost my dignity for ever. so abuse has many victims mine destroyed me forever. I have no family anymore have not seen my kids in almost twenty years today was fathersday, and like normal i felt like dieing all over again

Hello Marah. Welcome to the forum.

Wow!!! What a wonderfully balanced and inspiring post! Thank you. I find myself relieved to feel less alone in my quest for peace within an honest inventory of damages and hopeful healing remedies. I don't need to write a "Book of Why's" or a detailed analysis other people's problems. I *just* need to find my own personal balance with the facts of my current day and let tomorrow take care of itself when it gets here.

In my own quest for that mystical healing serenity, my peer support network has been priceless. I am utterly convinced my peer support network cannot be over-populated. More is better. I hope to count you as a member of that network here on DS. Welcome aboard.

lets look what abuse done for me. i almost kill myself as a child, climbed up a tree and tied a noose to a limb and and put the noose around my neck, all i had to do was let go of the limb, today i still wonder if i did and the life that ensued that moment was only a dream. this dream was more like a nightmare, and i wonder if i did the right thing by not letting go of that limb. i could have destroyed my abuse then and now. instead i chose to live if you call the remainder of my life living. after i caught myself creating my own abuse i became suicidal, the peak of this involved my daughter. i had a gun and i was going to use it, i called a out of state friend to tell him good bye. but it never happened , my friend called 911 the police walked right into my bedroom and stopped me but the sight of my daughter standing next to the police officer put a real chill in me that haunts me to this day. she missed her bus on purpose my son got on but she didn't she knew what was on my mind i could see it in her eyes. the look of fear. . god this evil inside me has caused my own daughter more trauma . I had a talk with my daughter then went to the hospital for treatment. at this point the abuse almost killed me multi times what i had done that one time was destroying me, i could have gotten off very easy but i pleaded guilty instead. the treatment i had to go thru was not helpful they werent trying to cure me they tried their hardest to make me into a pedifile. . i was in with the most disgusting vile people i ever met. after they were done with me , i never wanted to be a man again. i saw the worse that testosterone can do and wanted nothing to do with it.. then is when i discovered what my abuse really done to me. all these years since my abuse i wanted to be a girl. after i admitted that years of depression went away,now testosterone is gone, it was toxic to me when i felt it leave my body it was a very happy moment. i'm now the person i should have been. its much easier being a woman since you dont have to deal with testosterone. dont get me wrong being a woman isnt easy,, but i wish i was born that way, my life would have been much better. but really if that abuse never happened , i most likely would still be a man, and i wouldn't be talking to you about abuse.

Healing hugs to all.