Deep breaths. You will get through this. Until then, keep posting. You have friends who are always willing to listen here.

You sound like you need to go to the doctor. There is a medication called Seroquel that can stop those thoughts. I got spinning so badly I ended up in the hospital. Everyday the my thoughts consumed me to the point that is all I was thinking about where the events which lead to my PTSD. Believe me I understand where you are and it is not fun. When I went to the hospital they gave me Seroquel and it stopped the spinning almost immediately. It also made me sleep, which I really, really needed to do because the spinning was keeping me up. There is relief...it is call seroquel. Go talk to your doctor about it or something similar. You don't have to be on for a long time, just long enough to break the cycle of spinning you are in.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing please

NOPE. cant afford a doctor. have no one i can call to be there with me.
have a 3 year old to take care of and provide for. i am a single mommy trying to go to college and work and be a mom. work is not so great lately, keep having to go home early because of this. im up crying all night. usually if i can get to sleep it will subside by morning. not this time. im not spinning as bad, but the pain and anxiety is still there. this is absolutely ridiculous. THIS IS NOT ME. its destroying everything.
I cant even make a proper decision on a relationship im in... cause its to the point where a decision needs to be made. but he doesnt know what to do with this, or he uses it as an excuse, and I dont know what to do cause i cant stay calm about the situation long enough to decipher through my emotions rationally.
im just STUCK STUCK STUCK. ugh. so frustrating. and i work in public... and im so afraid im going to lose it on some asshole customer and then everyone will be like oh there goes the crazy girl with ptsd. fuck. i dont want everyone to know about this shit... so i go home earloy, which means less money, which means i have to stress about that too.

it's just weird to tell people to take drugs like right away.

Anyway,

Therapy can be self therapy, it starts there, after that, there are other avenues. But I think in this situation, taking care of yourself is the best you can do. I'm sorry, there are no answers to solve it. But hope you feel better soon. Mari

im actually in college to study psychiatry. i want to pave a solid road for holistic psychiatry using natural supplements and therapies before prescribing drugs. take things one step at a time. start small.
but im having trouble now. so much trouble with myself. i wish i could get my mind to just stop spinning out of control like this.

What really set me off last night is my current relationship. we were together, i left him cause i caught him lying. somehow we stayed in contact. its been over a year of him saying he will prove to me that he will never do it again. he didnt cheat on me, just lied.

and now im such a mess that i cant make a decision about it. everytime i try to this happens. we arent together still. ive told him i want to be together now, but now he says because of my ptsd he needs to know i can handle myself. says he is there for me, that he is not going anywhere... but before we jump back into a label of a serious relationship he needs to be sure that it will be a healthy one.
but he is here alot, around my daughter, said he would be here more but my house gives him allergies and makes him sneeze, but he still stays a couple times a week... and stops by during the day to see us. but this is where i am confused....
is this my ptsd or intuition?

I feel like he only comes over for food or sex and stays because obviously he has to give me some kind of emotional thing to keep me this way. he tells me to wait and why am i in a rush to be in a relationship. becuase its been a year now of us being apart being like this. we never stopped really having sex. we never truly stopped talking. i said i was done, he said he was done... but we always come back to each other.
ive been so FUCKED over by relationships, cause i was just continuing the cycle of childhood abuse i dont know what is up.
i dont know if i should tell this perosn to hit the curb or just try to stay calm.
but i cant stop thinking that he is with someone else as well. he has a very hectic school schedule in ROTC. the other day i stopped by his house unannounced for the first time. he said it startled him because his room was so a mess. he is a very clean guy.
but he grabbed his phone, and ran out, saying he had to go to the bathroom. this shit just doesnt sit right with me. he wont let me see his phone, i have asked. there are only certain times he looks at in in front of me, and i get the feeling its only when he has had a chance to go through and delete things.

but is this me running this in my head or is it him? what the hell. see... ive had shit like that happen to me before, ive had someone HIRE someone to be their mom to talk to me, go to thrift stores and get things saying their mom made it for me... then get me pregnant and leave me in the streets sick and alone after running me over with a car. i never would have known he was like that until that day. NEVER. found out he was cheating on me practically the whole time. even though he was home every night. so now i have huge trust issues.... even more than before. i feel like my world is unreal.

and i care about this person now. i want to trust him. i want to be with him. but how do i get this gut feeling to stop. why is it happening? is it my ptsd or anything else? fuck i dont want to be the crazy bitch that is always on their ass and being controlling. he says i push him away... and fuck i can see both sides of the story.
its so on the line. it could be me. it could be him. but without a "label" or commitment from him... im just floating in the water. ive asked him to leave me alone, but he comes back and hugs me and tells me it will work out. and im too weak and alone to make him stay away. he is all i have right now in this mess... the only one who will pick up the phone.

but here is how crazy i am getting. driving down the street i see his truck... my thought was he didnt tell me he would be on this side of town. i tried to follow him. freaked out. went home. texted him something that probably sounded nuts. and he shows up as i send the text. he was dropping of a job application. but the feeling still continued. ive never been jealous person before. i want to put trackers on him and check his phone.
and honestly, the few times i have, i have found nothing solid that would say that i should leave him alone. so WHY do i freak out? is it me? am i pushing him away along with everyone i love?
ok... sorry for the long post... ugh.

I write all the time... it just keeps going. nothign slows it down now. when i get like this i want medication. just something to make it stop.

I don't know. the only boyfriends i've had in the past 10 years have been online and let me tell you, THEY ARE NOT REAL. I am so alone and so sick from DID that i can barely raise my children, and i have no one to help me because i am the scapegoat. but i do have a large collection of stones that i play with every night from them being thrown at me.

i'm sorry your relationship is stressing you out. I'm not one to give advice, but i think focusing on platonic relationships and school is best. Sexual ones will and do bring us back to our childhood with ma and pa.

I want to confront this all head on. i know it will never be gone, but some of this HAS to come out of me. im overflowing, and it is destroying my entire life. my daughters life. i cant be the mom my mom was to me... i have to be better. i have to overcome this somehow.
even though i want to recluse and give up, and im oh oh so tired and exausted of the fight... i have to keep going. there has to be a way somehow. has to. it cant be like this forever.... it just cant. i cant accept that this will beat me, that i will float through my life with no sense of time always with life flashing before my eyes. I WANT TO LIVE.

When I was in college, which is over 30 years ago, there were therapists on staff through the health clinic. There was a psychiatrist who would prescribe meds if you needed them. I don't really recall, but I do not believe there was a charge associated with the meds. I have been in the place where you are with your head spinning and thoughts racing, and meds did help me do what I couldn't do myself. I used to journal a lot at the time and I know I was probably writing the same stuff over and over and over. I even confused the psychiatrist, as she asked one time if she could tape me to figure out where I got stuck. If you qualify for medicaid, you might be able to go see a doctor and see if meds would help you.

In the meantime, sleep is really really important. One of the times I was in the hospital, the psych there did not believe in sleep meds and wouldn't give the ones I'd been taking to me. He gave me Benadryl, and with the right dose I did sleep. I think it's much easier to face things when you've had a good night's sleep.

I think when you are along at night like you are tonight, it might be worth calling a crisis line. You don't even have to say your name to them, but there are people you can talk to and tell what is going on and help you through the thoughts and the crying. These people are trained. It is a lot better than not being able to talk to someone except through internet.

You are not alone, we are here listening. But I do understand how alone you are feeling and how miserable you are and how desperate you are feeling. You will get through it and you will come out the other side as there is nothing else you can do. Let yourself cry if that is what you need, and eventually you will become so exhausted that you will sleep. I don't know what to say about work except to do the best that you can. Maybe try telling yourself that you can make it until you get home and then you can fall apart. Then you are just postponing it until you don't have to work. I don't know if that will help you stay at work longer or not, but it's worth a try.

I've never heard of a crisis line where you can cry and talk? The one i called only wanted to talk if i was going to kill myself or admit to wanting to kill myself, which i will never admit to. Which one are you talking about?

I really relate to what you are saying, Dracona. The only way I got through college was to dissociate into some know it all nerdy girl, where as for most of school pre college, i was kinda a rebel and not interested in school. But I guess having a child can help motivate you, because you know your child is watching you, and you would want the same good things for her when she's in college.
When i was in college, having relationships would set me back and interfere in my studies. I actually craved solitude with my textbooks, and got a lot of satisfaction from doing well in school for the first time. But, I always had some crappy bf and it really did mess with my choices. For example, I was planning to go to UCSD but last minute, i decided for Cal State University, which was not what i had wanted--but i wanted to stay home for a crappy bf. I think it's easier to get through school without a bf, but it's lonely, only having friends who are obsessed with guys. Maybe you can keep this guy as a friend and focus on school.

I know how you feel that's what PTSD does to you. :( Try to take your mind off things. By distraction. But in the meantime consult your gp. And if you are seeing a psychologist talk to them about how you feel. We are all in the same boat. We know what it feels like, so talk to us. We understand :) Best wishes, xxx

#14 There is a country wide 211 number that you can call. They also have a website. Their operators are very well informed and can direct you to some sort of call line if such exists where you live.


On a temporary note, when I was having a lot of your symptoms and mind racing and all, I was told to put some ice in a bag and have my feet on the ground and hold the ice. I don't know why, but it would bring me back to the present and ground me some. I got a sheet of things to use to ground yourself from when I was at a residential treatment center. I hope I saved it. I'll look and if I did save it then I'll get it online somehow.

Thanks... that would be helpful if i can remember to do it when this happens. ive utilized the 211 number before a couple years ago... and the crisis line doesnt help. it makes it worse. i dont know why. maybe because of the fact i have to call the crisis line. there isnt much help around here unless you are a drug addict who doesnt work. i work, but right now hours are very minimal. im scheduled for 32 but will only get 20 max because they close early due to no customers. DSHS wont help cause they cant track my income cause i work for tips... even though it is all recorded. ive asked everyone. even the school.
im on my own. its a sad feeling when you look around at all the people that are a part of your life and realize that they are only there for themselves... and you cant even call any of them to talk to.

Shuffleup...the decision to take meds or not is a personal choice. I know for me at the time it was the right choice. I was in crisis, my mind was racing all the time and Seroquel instantly stopped all that. I remember the relief and how I could not thank the doctor enough for stopping my mind from relooping and relooping over and over. I could finally sleep, I could think and make decisions. It worked well for me but may not be for everyone. I think we just tend to give advise on what we know works for us, but in the end it is up to the person who started the post to weed through the posts and decide what they want to they.