Before Ruby passed I was putting so much effort into running and had some very good results getting into the paper and I shared it on social media. I got absolutely no response from my family in this time and decided to block my brother and my dads wife on social media just due to them showing zero interest. I tried to patch things up with family earlier in the year but it just fizzled out. It hurt that they were so abusive and put me down in the past that they could not acknowledge the good things I was doing. This was weighing on me very heavily. The night before Ruby died I had this dream where I was in a hotel far away and never wanted to leave. I had no plans to leave as I was committed to Ruby. The day Ruby died I was at a cafe which I go to mostly alone. There is a waitress who is quite cold to me. She kind of slammed my food on table. Lately I have felt such a dark energy in the air. I have tried so hard at run club and to support everyone. Outside of that I have just sensed a horrible energy force building in the air. That day I was busy trying to get everything done, my drive and work ethic was good before I got the terrible news. I feel that this dark energy may of taken Ruby away from me. I know she was struck by a vehicle. Ruby was so street wise I was sure nothing would ever happen to her or maybe I thought our bond was so strong that it made me lose sight of the dangers. I was very public on social media with my pain of losing Ruby. One thing I noticed was that any distant relatives I had on social media viewed the posts but didn't acknowledge. I have no idea why I feel like some sort of pariah with family. I have no idea why there is such distance. I've always been an open person with love. Growing up I didn't talk much (freeze response ) and then don't know I had some drug and alcohol issues. I think a lot of people made fun of me and thought I was a joke. Maybe that's why some people don't give my kudos now that I've done well with the running club. Something just feels off. I would do anything to go back a couple of days. I would forget about all that crap and devote myself to Ruby. I realise I was the luckiest person alive and I got caught up in the rat race. I have lost Ruby who gave me so much love every single day. I don't think I can live without Ruby. I thought I felt a hug (in bed) from her this morning and (after at her grave) she told me she was ok and that she is going to some sort of feline heaven to be with her own. I don't know if this was my own  self creating this or if it was real. The possibility of Ruby being gone is unbearable. I will never forget seeing her face when she died. I cried out telling her she was my baby and I loved her so much. I can picture my dad saying they just go to whoever feeds them and people saying she is just a cat. Ruby was truly the greatest experience of my life but now I am so empty without her. I feel this dark energy wants me gone too and wants me to die.  I feel I have no will or reason to live anymore. I can try summon up my old stubbornness to keep fighting but I have lost my anchor and rock. I have ruffled so many feathers being an underdog and also showing emotion. Yes I am a grown man who loves a cat get over it. I feel my achievements in athletics I have proven my character and can be myself. I don't know how to go on with such negativity against me and a family that shuns me. I am 35 sober fit and healthy. Where the hell is this coming from? Ruby was so innocent she did not deserve this. My heart is broken