Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Well, it finally happened. I'd been trying to get through to my boss about a kid that was a real problem in one of my classes over the last few weeks. I vented about it here, and got lots of support, but it kept up. We're just about out the door for Fall Break, and the kid comes back to my homeroom for some smartass, just to hassle me some more as I'm about to leave school for the holiday.
Big mistake. I'd talked to my supervisor about it, I'd issued him a written warning, all the stuff you're supposed to do. For weeks. So now I just got angry. Fortunately, I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I just got angry and said so, using the word "angry", and said it was time he shaped up and knocked off the bad behavior. He cried (!?) and went and called his father who came down to school to get after me for allegedly "abusing" his son. Oh, brother.
I stood up to Dad, though, and told him about the pattern the kid had of cutting my class, lying, cheating, all the stuff he's been up to. Turns out my boss didn't want to deal with him because he'd done it in her class before he took mine and she just swept it under the rug.
I try not to let my PTSD mess up my ability to choose my battles, and I don't have correct every kid or right every wrong. But I do have my limit, and this kid knew very well I'd had enough. So even though the dad made a few threats and called me a name or two, in the end I think even he could see I cared about how his kid did in school and that things weren't quite the way lying junior painted them for him. We'll see.
Whew. I could have done that better, I know, but I truly did the best I could. For weeks I posted here about it, I tried to get my boss's support in heading it off (and see why she tried to wash her hands of it), strategies from therapy. It's taken a lot for me to have a teaching career at all between hospitalizations for PTSD and so forth over the years, so I really, really didn't want to jeopardize my position, and I'm paranoid about that, I admit.
But even though it ended up in conflict anyway, it wasn't as bad as I thought. My own trauma history has led me to dread conflict because growing up in a violent home where conflict meant blood, bruises, sometimes broken bones, madness, screaming threats, and cop cars pulling up to the house.
One time my father beat my mother so badly she had to be taken away on a stretcher by the ambulance when I was 12 years old. Yet even so, as he, in his guilt after beating her, came up to her bedside in the hospital to console her, she reached out and grabbed him by the testicles as hard as she could right there in front of family, doctors, cops, nurses, and everybody. As much as he deserved it, it was not a pretty picture. Oh, home sweet home.
So I can tend to catastrophize if I feel I'm getting angry. Yet it's a legitimate emotion. I'm not saying I'm right because I get angry, but I have the right to that emotion like anyone else does. Still, when I feel it building, I get desperate. Afterwards, I feel just freaked out. But tonight, though I'm recovering from today's conflict, I don't feel I have to quit my job and move to another city and start over, or any of the things that come to me when I feel stressed and ashamed just because I reached my limit.
Anybody ever here in this kind of PTSD emotional place before me?
Big mistake. I'd talked to my supervisor about it, I'd issued him a written warning, all the stuff you're supposed to do. For weeks. So now I just got angry. Fortunately, I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I just got angry and said so, using the word "angry", and said it was time he shaped up and knocked off the bad behavior. He cried (!?) and went and called his father who came down to school to get after me for allegedly "abusing" his son. Oh, brother.
I stood up to Dad, though, and told him about the pattern the kid had of cutting my class, lying, cheating, all the stuff he's been up to. Turns out my boss didn't want to deal with him because he'd done it in her class before he took mine and she just swept it under the rug.
I try not to let my PTSD mess up my ability to choose my battles, and I don't have correct every kid or right every wrong. But I do have my limit, and this kid knew very well I'd had enough. So even though the dad made a few threats and called me a name or two, in the end I think even he could see I cared about how his kid did in school and that things weren't quite the way lying junior painted them for him. We'll see.
Whew. I could have done that better, I know, but I truly did the best I could. For weeks I posted here about it, I tried to get my boss's support in heading it off (and see why she tried to wash her hands of it), strategies from therapy. It's taken a lot for me to have a teaching career at all between hospitalizations for PTSD and so forth over the years, so I really, really didn't want to jeopardize my position, and I'm paranoid about that, I admit.
But even though it ended up in conflict anyway, it wasn't as bad as I thought. My own trauma history has led me to dread conflict because growing up in a violent home where conflict meant blood, bruises, sometimes broken bones, madness, screaming threats, and cop cars pulling up to the house.
One time my father beat my mother so badly she had to be taken away on a stretcher by the ambulance when I was 12 years old. Yet even so, as he, in his guilt after beating her, came up to her bedside in the hospital to console her, she reached out and grabbed him by the testicles as hard as she could right there in front of family, doctors, cops, nurses, and everybody. As much as he deserved it, it was not a pretty picture. Oh, home sweet home.
So I can tend to catastrophize if I feel I'm getting angry. Yet it's a legitimate emotion. I'm not saying I'm right because I get angry, but I have the right to that emotion like anyone else does. Still, when I feel it building, I get desperate. Afterwards, I feel just freaked out. But tonight, though I'm recovering from today's conflict, I don't feel I have to quit my job and move to another city and start over, or any of the things that come to me when I feel stressed and ashamed just because I reached my limit.
Anybody ever here in this kind of PTSD emotional place before me?
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
I'm just now to the point of realizing that, I too, have the right to feel, well? any emotion really. The world will not end, if I speak my mind, disagree, or like you, get angry. I also get a huge feeling of fight or flight once I've had a conflict with anyone.
I have a huge issue with self-control. I think because the majority of people in my life have had NO control over themselves whatsoever. That sickens me. I'm pretty good at keeping myself under control in most situations. So, now I think possibly when I get upset, I worry that I will lose control and be like "them".
Ok, now I'm just rambling. Anyway, I enjoyed your post and have felt every single one of those emotions. It sounds to me like you handled yourself very, very well. Good for you!
If I could give away my "right" to get angry, I would have it gift wrapped and waiting on the roof top for whatever fool is willing to take it. Anger is not the only emotion I would stuff in that box.
Emotions are what they are. Our legal opinions of "Right" and "Wrong" have nothing to do with it. You received. You processed. You accepted. Let the healing begin.
YEAH MUJICAP!! We have us a born again Human!
And being validated about anger is my PTSD recovery's final frontier, I think (and a big one that'll be worked on for a long time). The ugly anger scene my parents staged in public in the hospital is an example of why I feel so much shame if I'm angry in public. But it'll happen to anybody, as you guys pointed out so rightly. I think what was helpful about it this time was that right in the middle of it I used the actual word "angry" to describe how I felt to the other person. A lot of people way "frustrated" or some other word, but I was just angry and I said so. I didn't say "pissed" or any word for it that would invalidate it.
It's a good learning moment, and I'm glad you encouraged me so much to take it as a breakthrough. It really is. In the past with the shame and the shaky lack of confidence I felt for having PTSD I actually might have resigned over a thing like that, I'm sorry to say. Without exaggeration, I'd have been more willing to have to look for another job. I would go to that length just to avoid having go back to work the next day and face the place where I was angry in public.
You guys helped me embrace the fact that I love being able to work when I can, and that even if I get I angry I deserve my job and the right to work it. Wow. I can't believe it was I who wrote that sentence. That right there is a breakthrough in a breakthrough.
Thanks, everybody. You ARE my daily strength. Strength to you all, my brothers and sisters in PTSD!
1. The kid is a pain in the ass
2. The kid's father has an attitude problem
3. You have every right to (a) be angry and (b) express it
4. Setting boundaries with the father is the right thing as the kid can think that he can get away with everything since all he has to do is call daddy and tell him that he was abused.
5. The system does not support teachers. I myself have been in education on and off and know well how sometimes the "problem people" get passed around to teachers for us to deal with them
The only thing with the trauma of PTSD is that we tend not to have a realistic idea about being angry and how much is too much and what is appropriate to have and feel. But in this circumstances, I think that you are perfectly entitled to feel angry, frustrated and unsupported.
People come to classes with this sense of entitlement and some kids know that their parents are going to attack teachers no matter what. Education has become a joke. That's completely out of your control.
So you handled the kid beautifully as well as his parent! Which I have found parents can be really difficult because they are not operating responsibly at home, thus their kids are doing all these acting out behaviors. Some parents have about the same or less maturity than their kids.
You not only acted like a professional, you thrived in your response, keeping objectivity and the muzzle on PTSD reactionary response. Maybe you've even gone past on needing the muzzle? As human beings we connect memories to feelings. Sounds like you are acknowledging anger still has an impact on your body but it doesnt govern you and dictate a response. Just by the way you articulate this experience shows much emotional maturity.
thank you for sharing. I love to see these kind of victories!! It gives me hope to change my behaviors. And thank you for your service to the school system, not an easy job.
Violet
Isnt it odd how we question our basic human right to feel and verbalize certain emotions?!
Makes me sad AND angry that any of us doubt whether or not we have the right to express ourselves.
Sharing your story really opened up some good conversation here.
I can't be superhuman for sure, and with PTSD I struggle just to be human. You all made me feel very human in the best way, and like everybody else those who traumatized me treated me like an animal. Thanks for the human touch, everybody.
But I stuck with what I learned here. In the end, total anti-climax. I taught school like normal person, got through the day, tomorrow will be tomorrow. I don't have to run away and move to another city after all. Ha! Thanks everybody!