I may have introduced myself to this group a while ago. My memory doesn't serve me well in past 2 years of returning to this state of being. I have never before been this aware of the P.T.S.D. & it's effects upon me emotionally, physically or mentally. I have remembered the attacks but only from a detached view. When it was happening last time I just sort of had some cut off point when I just became a different part of myself. Before that it just came with memories, anxiety, & immobilizing depressions. I self medicated before all of that so I only remember some real hard times throughout from the trauma up to the getting sober part. I am reliving the trauma in my sleep, I think.... I woke up today still remembering what I was 'sort of dreaming" about. It had something to do with the giving up of my first born son for adoption. I was 16 yrs old, it was in the mid 1970's & people still looked down upon a young girl pregnant out of "wedlock." I was banished from high school as they did not want to give the other young ladies the wrong impression, I had to be punished somehow! I don't barely remember anything visual from the sleeping but the tension, severe anxiety, terror, not fear, but terror, all the emotional state I was in during the so called dream was horrific. I even struggled to wake up from it.
Do we have night terrors?The night is already bad for me. I do not want to lay down to go to sleep when it is quiet & dark, I want to stay awake till the sun rise, or at least until I know the sun rise is almost here.
Psych asked me last week if I know why I don't want to sleep. The question seemed to shut down an answer before he was finished with his question. I seemed to forget the question all week until this am before this weeks appointment and then I remembered he asked me last week. The denial factor is unreal for me, to watch myself forget things I want to remember. today's appointment I felt very reserved, on edge about opening up very deeply to anything. Watching myself from this strange place this time, almost split off from self to watch self go through the stuff ..... is this progress that I am able to almost do this? It feels as if it is not safe, that I will split off like I did 15 yrs ago and have no control over what I do. I made life choices with a determination no one could break thru, not even myself. So is this my self's answer to that problem of not being able to stop, now I have a piece of self split off attempting police what's happening and trying to let my conscious self see & know some of the process I am going through? I sure do not have enough education about what all of this is. I do not know what is physically happening to me except that is is fight / flight & intense memories/flashbacks of experiences which were too much for me to handle so my brain did something with the memories, split up the emotions away from the memory of the experience as best it could and on to live life I walked.
The alone, abandoned feeling is worse than any other traumas reaction I have had. I am okay with my support groups for other issues, but I will completely forget this group is even on my list, that I am a member because I was diagnosed with this and it is disabling right now.
I want to go to sleep like I used to. Peaceful, tired & rest. My muscles are in knots from the tension. The neck hurts so bad it doesn't want to hold up my head during the day. I find myself trying to sleep in the fetal position tensed up like a snake ready to jump it's prey. Nothing I used to do helps. I am about to turn off the waterfall, even though I know it's suppose to sound soothing, because it is actually aggravating me right now.
Only way I can sleep is with the TV on. Then it is still not sleep. Meds aren't working or I can't take them. I want the ambien the sleep doc gave me to at least try. Family is afraid I will get up in my sleep and I must admit I fear it too, but I want to sleep so badly.
No wonder I did drugs and drank in order to survive. Makes sense in this light. if I wasn't sober 15 yrs & in AA for 23 yrs now I would have slept by now. I will try to get myself to get on here before I lay down to do the TV thing at night and just write, I guess. No psych next week so I will have to make it another week before I see him. Same weird stuff with that answer. I want to see him like it's a shot in the arm of some magic protection every week, yet I cannot barely make the appointments & fear stops me from letting go with all the stuff I went thru the week before. It is intense grief, terror, fear, pain, sorrow, memories, no sleep, all week with issues triggered everyday to talk with him about & I get there & it's like pulling teeth to get any of it out my mouth.
It's been a real bad day with physical pain so will stop now. Tomorrow night..... Thanks for being here? I don't feel completely alone.