I was doing actually well for a few days, after a week of trying to kill myself. I didn't have any flashbacks. I think I had some yesterday, but I got over them - I can't really remember. Now, today, it started with an intense somatic flashback, and I tried really hard to bury myself in the homework I was doing, and now I just - can't. I can't do anything but stare at the screen and just feel so angry.

I guess I ought to tell you why I have flashbacks and stuff. I was sexually and emotionally abused by a boyfriend I had almost a year ago. I've reported him to the police, but they're barely going to do anything about it.

Anyway.

You know, people have told me to look at things from his perspective. Cause, y'know, I'm the girl, and whenever a girl complains, she's obviously just a stupid bitch. But I guess it couldn't have hurt for him to look at things from my persepctive, right? How much he was hurting me? How much I'm still hurt?

Oh, right. He's the great millenial philosopher of our time who has to be right about everything because he's so fucking special.

 And I've had people who tried to romanticize the situation. "Oh, was he the first person you loved?" "Well, I know of a girl who lost her virginity because a guy pressured her into having sex, and she's glad it happened..." Wtf. What. The actual. Fuck. Is wrong with people.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

You know, I was always an accessory to him. He tried to get me into his friend groups and his video games. He took over all of them - cause he's the guy, right? He's so much superior at video games than I am. Even though I've been kinda sorta maybe playing video games since I was eight...?

He was just such a control freak. I couldn't be anything that he didn't want me to be. Otherwise I'd get punished. Like once I had to leave because he was getting to be too much, that is to say, he kept pressuring me into touching his dick. I didn't want any of that shit, so I just left. I think this might've been the time he tried grabbing at me even though we hadn't even spoken to each for about five minutes? And then he was all like, "Oh, what, is that some kind of requirement?" in that putrid, snobbish voice of his. He always thought he was so special - mostly because he had depression. Too bad depression doesn't make you a good person. Anyway, I think that time and this time are the same time. I can't remember anymore; I just remember chunks of everything. Anyway, I was leaving, and I glanced over at him and I thought he looked kind of sad. So I asked him what was wrong. And he smirks up at me, and he says in that awful, sharp way: "Oh, just sexually frustrated."

For a while, I've been super sexist. Then I read some articles about men getting raped by women, and I backed off for a while. Now that I think about it, I think my flashbacks kind of backed off too, before and after I read those pieces. Now, tonight, I'm right back where everything started. My body hurts in certain places. I've had sexist thoughts again. Right after I finished writing the above paragraph, I told myself: "I'm never dating a guy ever again." 

I have no one to talk to. Parents hate me when I'm like this. I don't have any friends I can trust (so I might as well go to complete strangers, am i right?). Trying to get back with my original therapist, but I think I'm going to have to settle for the therapy intern at my school for a while. The "real" therapist my school hired sucks; she's the one who told me to look at things from his perspective. What a piece of work.

Life sucks. I wish I had jumped off that bridge. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want all these thoughts and memories to leave me alone and stop hurting me.