So last night I had a flashback. I'm gonna start at the beginning because there is a small back story. I have PTSD and have had it for years. I think I do alright. I am in regular therapy, stay on medication when I need to, and have cut out toxic people in my life as best as I can. I worked at a group home a while back and worked with a kiddo I am gonna call Justin. Justin was one of my absolute favorites. Good spirited kid dealt a terrible hand. Never talked about gangs/drugs/violence... always had a mentality to work through things. I no longer work at the group home or in any type of social work field, but Justin recently reached out to me. He's 18, released by the state (never adopted) and has found his birth mom. He is working two jobs trying to save up for his own place (also while waiting for state aid he is eligible for). Long story short, his parents are bad news and its caught up to him. I have met up with him twice, once with my SO. Before doing so I talked to my SO to make sure it was ok. He agreed as long as I didn't give him any money etc...

Fast forward to last night. Justin contacted me during his lunch break. His parents kicked him out, took his small savings he had set aside, and told him to pick up his stuff. He was shell shocked as to why. He sent my screen shots of the text conversation and it is clear to me that she is on some sort of drugs. He is in a large, metro city with no working cell phone, money, or place to stay. My gut instinct is immediate. I know instantly I am beginning to flash back to when I was kicked out of my parents house (at 18 yrs old 2 days after a violent rape). My mom is not on drugs but is borderline and the outburst from Justin's mom was my mom. To a T. No context, no cause, just a wrong phrase, or cadence and BAM... she goes from sweet to insane. I also worked at a grocery store and had to go to work right after. Just like Justin. I also had no where to go. Just like Justin.

So I know I am hypervigilent and not right. I find my SO, explain the situation, explain I am having a flashback (only the 2nd time in the 3 years we've been together). I explain that I realize I am projecting my situation and emergecny onto this situation. I said "I don't know what to do..." His answer was "Nothing"

Then I ask for a hug. He can't give it to me. He is too upset.

Long story short. We've talked since. I understand that I got in over my hear but I am struggling with his response still. He is not an emotional person and I feel like PTSD is so hard for him. I can't explain or get him to understand that I can't switch it off in a moment like that. I disassociate. I am not me. 

I do not want to have to adjust my life or be different than normal me 95% of the time so that I don't trigger the 5%. I also know I have to be careful. I just feel so alone right now. 

Love to you all!!