Ok so I know this probably doesn't fall under PTSD, but I got so much great advice on here before for PTSD that I felt safe enough to talk about this here. So for 5 or 4 years this guy and I liked each other but we didn't do anything about it we just stayed friends cause neither of us at the time in high school were ready for a relationship. After I graduated from high school last year we were best friends for 5 years so we stayed in touch after I graduated still and we still really liked each other and so when I went to an overnight thing at the college I was going to be going to which I only ended up staying at this college for 3 weeks because of other certain issues. When I went to the overnight thing this guy and I were talking on the phone and I knew since we both liked each other a lot that the chance of getting rejected if I asked him out was low so I asked him out and he said yes, but once college started it was harder because he was still in his last year of high school and I was in college so we didn't see each other much, neither of us could drive so it was hard to get together even we never were able to get together to go out on a first date cause we were both busy. So after a while my college work load got so much and I was having some medical stuff going on at this time as well and I was always stressed, I had a therapy cat so I had to worry about keeping her in the dorm while this RA was making so many false accusations about the cat that I got called down multiple times to the disabilities office, some people twisted my words around and told a teacher that I said he wasn't helpful at all when I never said that I said that I didn't think being in the class was working out cause I couldn't understand anything so eventually because of all this stress I was always sick because of being stressed too long and I told him I didn't really have time to date and that I was really sorry but it was too much and the fact we could never get together was really hard as well so he respected the decision and we stayed best friends after I left the college that I was at 3 weeks a lot of things got better I also was dealing with some traumatic memories at the time and I wasn't in therapy at this time so that was all piling on me  and when this guy asked if there was a chance of us getting back together I said no cause I really didn't know at the time and I didn't want to hold him back if he ended up liking another girl in school at some point I didn't want him to feel like he had to wait so to not hold him back that's what I said so that was last year. This year like at the beginning of the year cause I was in therapy I was getting a lot better with the traumatic memories of getting harrassed by someone off and on from high school for 3 years that the guy i liked knew about this because he often defended me when this guy who harrassed me would say mean things. so At the beginning of this year i told him if you want to start dating again I can cause all the stuff died down that I was dealing with he said he didn't know he was afraid that we would break up i told him I didn't think we would and conversation ended there then in like April or March I asked him since we didn't really talk much cause he was busy and I was and he use to message me all the time and we use to have long conversations about stuff and this year it has mostly been like hey how are you doing and how have things been going and stuff like that conversations don't last long we often message for like a month then it goes silent for a month then back to talking I won't say he never talks to me because he does like when he started college he messaged me for like a straight 3 days after he got use to it conversation died down again because it's the same college I went to that I left I know the work load is busy there but I initate most of our conversations now so he doesn't really start them often so like in April or march I asked if I should be moving on and he said I don't know I never really thought about that and I took that as a so yes I should be i just didn't say anything after a while because of how conversation died down I stopped with asking if he liked me because it was a yes usually at first but like we never talk about that stuff anymore if we like each other or not and it hasn't came up since then so I'm pretty sure he's probably moving on from all these signs and the thing Is haven't moved on, I put a lot of effort into our friendship because i hold onto friendships and we have been best friends for 5 years so i don't know how it's possible to not talk as much as we use to so and this part is what confuses me when we don't talk for a period of time I feel like I'm almost over him and then as soon as we talk I realize i still like him and then it just hurts again because I know he probably doesn't like me back anymore and I also think it's because we both liked eachother for about 5 years before dating I never have had to move on from somebody but now I do I think cause I don't plan on asking him if he still likes me I don't want to hold him back. I feel like our breakup even though Im the one who broke up with him I feel like it probably hurt me more than him because he said it didn't hurt him i'm sure it did a little but I feel like I'm the one who has been hurting over it more and I feel like it's hard to move on because I feel like since I'm the one who broke up with him I feel like I'm betraying him if I move on and I feel like everything is my fault and that the whole break up is my fault and I feel like that the fact that we don't talk anymore is my fault even though I put a lot of effort in our friendship and always have and he had reassurance from me when we broke up like i said cause i didn't want to hold him back that if he liked another girl that was ok and he could move on I never heard that come from him so I still feel guilty about it and feel like everything is my fault. Why does it still hurt even after a year?  Is it my fault? Should I be moving on? Should I talk with him about it? Should I just leave it alone? I'm only 19 this was my first relationship it lasted for 2 months. Obviously nothing bad went down between us cause i just told you the whole story. I just don't know why it still hurts after so long and I have those questions and I blame myself for a lot of this.  If you read this entire message thank you for caring enough to read it.