Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Last week, my therapist reviewed the symptoms of cPTSD with me. Even though she's read them to me before, I was surprised again at a few of them (such is the fragmentation of denial, I guess). One that has been bugging me since then went something like "Loss of interest to establish a family of your own."
I have some thoughts, and I have a question.
It's true, I don't want a family anymore. I also don't think I deserve a family. A few years ago, I desperately wanted children and prayed about it often (I was told I'll likely not be able to have kids, so this prompted me to praying about it). Now, I never think about it and I'm pretty turned off at the idea. I'm good with kids, but I don't want my own. I don't even want to adopt anymore. I sort of pride myself on the blossoming of child-free potential. Aren't I so progressive and independent?
I have an incredible amount of anxiety surrounding 'families.' I scoff when non-family relationships refer to me as 'sister' or whatever family lable they stick on. I still believe that I am a catalyst for the destruction of families (please note, I didn't say it's true, I just said I believe it). This whole family thing is what triggered my most recent PTSD turmoil because, after graduating college this spring I moved in with my sister who is nine years younger and who I've only lived with for a sum of two or three months. Her adopted family is wonderful and extremely supportive and, if I'm honest, it weirds me out sometimes. Sometimes, (maybe oftentimes) I'm jealous because she was adopted as a baby and I was stuck in foster care. At the same time, her family offered to take me in more than once when I was in high school and I refused. I felt (and still feel) that her family is hers and I'm not allowed to get too close. I worry about tainting them with the grossness of my life and PTSD nonsense. When I come back to the States in February, I'll live with this sister and her mom again and I'm scared as fuck.
So, here's my question - many of you do have children, families and even may have long-lasting, healthy relationships with your family of origin and your spouse and your circle of supportive friends. I tend to leave people before they can leave me. I don't feel particularly emotionally connected to anyone in my life. So, I don't do a great job clinging to friends. I certainly don't do a great job asking for help. Everyone seems to disappear, so why bother getting vulnerable, ya know? Anyway, my questions for discussion - did you go through a period of time where you had a lot of apathy towards family? What did that look like for you? Does it still affect your interaction with your children, spouse, friends? How do you deal with that?
Thanks. XF.
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I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now. I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed. So many bad things have happened since my mom passed. One thing after another it seems. Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up. Thank...
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
I am not apathetic. I'm afraid. Which sucks, btw, but... Is its own form of rejection of *them* and safety for *me*.
I think the worst of cPTSD is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. It seems to be a thread. We fear being rejection but we reject first, to get it over wtih, that kind of thing.
Yeah, reaching out is risk and pain, and I've been scorched a *lot*.
But I've also got a few friends I'll hvae till ... I can't imagine we'll ever not be friends. (After 30 years, I have some justification for that, in two cases.) I've figured out my issues about a few things (a few, alas) and so I don't try to find a new better sister or dad, b/c hey, the ones I had sucked, abused me, hurt me, and scarred me inside and out, TOok till I was in my 30s to kind of get over the need to find and fix the sister thing. And once I realized that's what I was doing? I realized, "Hey, these are people I can befriend, and thes aren't, and it takes time to be sure which is which, and that's okay," but geez, it was no simple or easy. Lots of tears and anguish.
I've actually had to learn apathy toward some of my family. Beats fear for me. I'd love to feel nothing toward my dad's siblings. But they scare hell outta me, and they're old and I'm old, but it's still there... No idea.
Anyway, no idea if that aeddresses anything, but it's how things have been going for me.
Incidentally, asking for help? Oh yeah. I got punished for it as a kid. I still don't ask for help too well. Three years of weekly threrapy, and I'm "better", but better than "neer asking" is "sometimes asking". Sometimes I look at my husband, who is a healing partner (he goes to PTSD therapy with me fairly regularly)... and I ask him, "Should I be asking for help here?!" I just don't even know when I should or can. Freaky, but taht's me.
I think growing up in trauma... it will always affect how we interact with others. We dont' have "pre-trauma" settings to remember. But that's my opinion.
Sorry. I'm doing a horrible job here. Just... Yeah. I deal with it by going careful, and clinging to the fact I *do* have loved ones I have not lost and can still trust, and so there's not *only* bad in the world. Takes a lot to get me out of the bedroom sometimes, but hey, it's ap rocess, y'know?
Healing blessingst o you.
My sister went on to avoid treatments, had 4 kids, and messed them all up. They all went to church and Christian schools but ended up in drugs, weird dangerous sex, you name it. And my sister spectacularly divorced, too.
I'm so good with kids that I taught at a day care, but I got treatment for PTSD and it gave me pause. I chose not to have kids, and had the surgery to make that decision real. I'm near retirement now, and I don't regret it. I have done my part for the PTSD cycle of violence to be broken, I am very active in two churches and have lots of friends and their kids around me, and I happy with the choice I made for me. I now plan to retire abroad where I was raised, a choice I might not have if I'd had kids.
To each their own, but that's what works for me.
I still haven't gotten over any of those doubts. I takes 'em one doubt at a time. Grandbaby hugs are my latest favorite doubt remedy. Some days the remedy works better than others.
Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer (by whatever name) is the family motto.
Gentlest of support while you sort your own, XF. Every path is unique.
Take each person you meet as a new form or input and sort the ones that help into a category to find out why they seem good for you.
Support, so much said here that I too agree with. I am the middle child of 7, but really only positively react with one, the rest are eggshells to be navigated.
J.
I'll be happy to pay for the over-night shipping to get it to you. It doesn't seem to be helping me much. I gave it a thumbs down on Facebook.
Reading that your sister's adoptive family wants to welcome and support you, I feel very sad that you feel you cannot accept this generosity. "Her family is hers" you wrote, but you are also part of that family because you are her sister, and clearly that's how they see it. It almost sounds like you believe there's a finite amount of love and by accepting your share you are depriving your sister of hers. As for tainting them with your past and your issues, I can understand how you feel, but I would imagine they have some idea of what you've been through. And I guess what I would like you to consider is that giving, for one who loves and enjoys giving (as it sounds like that family does) is a reward in itself. You seem to believe that anything you accept from them will be taking away from them and taking away from your sister. But in fact, it could be extremely rewarding and enriching for everyone concerned. Some people really love to give! And to have the power to offer support to another and provide them a place of healing would be extremely rewarding, enriching, empowering and an opportunity for enormous growth for all concerned. It COULD be!
To answer your original question about family. I came from a messed up family with incest and physical and emotional abuse - and massive denial about all of it that left me feeling like any issues I had were because I was so vile that I had no right to exist. I shied away from people my whole life and never expected to have a family of my own. My feelings about family could be summarized by a quote from Jean Paul Sartre: "Hell is other people."
Nevertheless, after years of therapy and a spiritual awakening, I found myself wanting to have a family of my own. Long story short, I did find a good, good man who I did a lot of healing with and had two kids who are now college aged. I can't say my PTSD and other issues never got in the way. I can't say it was easy because it was damn hard and I guess I failed in a lot of ways. I'm not recommending it, as such. But in the end, I can say I have a happy family. It's kind of a miracle, and it took enormous ongoing effort, but it's possible. I still occasionally fall into my old emotional habits of hostility, fear, and deep feelings of inferiority in relation to my husband and kids. But I can guarantee that in my family, hell is NOT other people.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. Welcome to the board...this really is a great group of people.
IDK, if you don't want to be around your sister...then don't. You may have this "hole" in your childhood...but the one thing you have now...is the ability to make your life what YOU want it to be...and not what anyone else thinks it should be, or wants it to be. What you become when you "heal" is up to you...it doesn't have to be some old or new time version of a fairy tale of what a woman is supposed to be.
That said, I have two kids, and somehow have managed to do a good job raising them. (My 14 year old daughter Still swears she's never moving out...) I adore my kids, but I have no idea of what's like to have a relationship with a mother, father, siblings....other than pain. I have a half dozen (at most) good memories. The rest are artifacts...remembering myself playing the good daughter and wanting to die. The "good" memories though...are Achilles heels...traps for pain. I probably have RAD too. I've never been diagnosed. Why pay someone for an opinion that I won't give a damn about? I'm happy enough now...and that's enough...more than enough...more than I ever thought I'd have.
I live with my flashbacks and triggers. They're just a part of my life....like having to clean the bathroom. Not fun, but manageable.
@ all -Thanks again for encouragement. It's so nice to be able to talk about PTSD nonsense without having to explain it every time I bring up a different facet of the daily experience.
Best, XF