Oh boy. I hear you.... I was dx'd last year, and I feel like I've lost so much to this bleeping mis-wired way of reacting to the world. I can't imagine it for combat veterans. (I've seen it in my relatives, however, and you're not by far the worst in terms of how you react to things. Took us over a year to coax one of my cousins out of the Smokies.)

I don't know what therapy you have tried, but there's tons of options out there, and the type of therapy can succeed or fail depending on the type of trauma involved--- in my case, 20 years of a childhood I was happy to forget and now remember after a severe physical trauma caused its own PTSD. So the type of therapy depends on a lot more than just the diagnosis from what both my therapist and psychiatrist have told me.

This site gave me back hope that it does and will get better and I can come to a working truce with the PTSD. I want to be a better me and have a better life than "condition red" all the time, too.

Big healing thoughts for you,
Leo

Of all the PTSD symptoms I have dealt with, the fight responses are the hardest for me. For starters, they really are dangerous. They hit with the speed of an adrenaline shot and that adrenaline replenishes itself automatically at the speed of a negative thought.

My own first step toward effective dealing was awareness of when I am operating under the influence of adrenaline. It has definite physical symptoms and as long as I have it coursing through my blood stream, it is unreasonable to expect myself to be reasonable. I am high on one of the strongest drugs in the world. Once I recognized that, I was able to shift my focus from the trigger to managing the high and getting the adrenaline out of my system. Nothing easy about the management and purging... It is quite allot in itself.

But that is me...

Supportive wishes while you sort through your own unique set of dynamics...

I was never a soldier but dad trained me to be. taught me to be brutal, efficient, to not think, only react, to take life. He was the polices interrogator and took pride in that he could break the toughest and he taught me all his 'techniques" the hard way. By 9 years old I was pretty lethal. I've sent girlfriends flying across the room because they simply hugged me from behind. I've clamped down on strangers throats because they happened to tap me on the shoulder Put my share of people in the hospital too. My wake up call was, i was asleep on my friends couch and his 6 year old was happy to see me there and ran over and tried to hug me. When i opened my eyes, I saw her flying across the room. She landed on the couch and was ok. I told her to poke me with a broom handle after that and she would lol, then she'd hug me after asking me if I was awake.
What worked for me...I use that heightened awareness as an advantage, but I used it to be more aware of myself, to constantly keep myself in check. I had to remind myself that someone may bump into me or tap my shoulder, so I'd be aware and ready. I still reacted yet could stop myself instantly. The hard part is confrontations especially with those who's egos are self inflated. I had to learn diplomacy to talk my way out, yet if push came to shove, I had to retrain myself to remain in only defensive mode, but that doesn't always work well.
Removing myself environments were violence was a potential helped, stopped going to bars/parties. I quit drinking at 23 (drank and drugged hard since 11) and quit drugs a few years later. I kinda knew life in a cage would be my destiny if I didn't. With those "crutches" gone, the pain, anger and rage quickly came to the surface. So deal with that I did and still am.
To this day, I still have to prepare myself before going out, still figgen scanning my environment for potential threats and I come home exhausted. Yet even at home I'm at a "relaxed alert", since my abuse came from within my family, deep down I'm still ready for that attack when I least expect it, as I was trained.
I sleep with 2 of our 3 dogs in my room and that helps me since I know they'll alert me. I haven't sleep in the same bed with my wife in 23 years (been together 26), it safer for her that way. I've awoke with my hands around her neck a few times in the past, yet she tough and punches back to wake me. I even been awaken by my dog scratching my face since I had her by the neck too. I'm almost 50 now and most of that is very rare, yet I know the potential will always be there.
As with any war or conflict that final ends, i had to make peace with my greatest enemy, myself.
As i who had to walk through and experience Hell for the first 14 rears of my life, you shared similar. So be kind to yourself, be gentle. It takes time to heal wounds like these, they don't heal overnight. Praise yourself when you remain in control, yet don't beat yourself up if that control falters. Instead learn from it, understand that great enemy, ourselves and fine tune those tactics to find that peace you soo much deserve.
I found my Heart again, it was simply buried under layers of pain and anger and you and many others have a special place in that Heart. Peel back those layers and find yours again.
From my Heart to Yours and too All those other Veterans, I Humbly Thank You for Your Sacrifice, Blaine

I've never been in combat, but I've been in a physical emotional, psychological monetary war with my brother. I remember thunder storms when I got so shaken my whole body exploded in bad brain chemicals. I remember telling my family I had PTSD and the effect of noise, etc. And my middle brother started whistling this high pitch thing that only he can do. I asked him to stop, and he laughed. I asked him to stop again. My brain was bubbling. And he did it again, and I hit him. There are supposed to be groups for soldiers who have this, who have been through this, but I don't know where you are, or how nationwide these things are. If you could find group, some people who understood, maybe it would help. Maybe meds would help for a while until you get yourself understood and your past all poured out. Maybe. I don't know. I'm not a soldier.

I survived 6 years of combat as a civilian child of missionaries in a war zone overseas from when I was 9 to when I was 15 and ended up with PTSD, as did my parents, who served as NGO folk in 3 war zones, total. So I wasn't a combatant, but your list was VERY familiar.

". I can't stand the distrust, the reaction to suprise, the feeling that society is not where I belong, getting anxious in crowds, getting a combat high when exposed to the sounds of gunfire or seeing warplanes flying."

I'm 55 now, and 40 years after I got out of the combat zone, those are something I live with every day, too. Other people just don't have any idea. I'm so glad to have this place here where people do get it completely, and we're not alone. That in itself has made living with it all these years worth it.

I'm so sorry you carry this stuff, but seeing that I'm not the only one restores me when I come home exhausted from functioning out there in the world with flashbacks going all day that no one else could understand. You do. So sorry you're tired, but it means the world that you wrote that and it names what I feel, too.

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through so much with your PTSD.

There are a number of different things to try.

One medicine you might talk with your doctor about is propranalol. It can remove the emotion from the memory for some people. You remember things but aren't so triggered. And because it's a blood pressure medication and older, it's very inexpensive and has few side effects.

A couple other options include EMDR which has to do with eye movement. This is a therapy technique you might check into. It's also used for trauma.

Another technique is tapping or EFT (emotional freedom technique). I was sure this would be pretty useless but I gave it a go out of desperation. When I'm in the throws of a flashback, shaking, nauseous and freaking out, if I can remember to tap, it pulls me out and relaxes me.

My PTSD is very different from yours, though, so check with your dr or therapist before trying these.

I also want to say how incredibly wrong and unfair it was that your co-workers was just jerks to you. Most people are not like that.

well, those coworkers were pretty stupid to 'test' you like that. I can really relate to all of your posts. I come from a military family.

I have to say that the thing that has helped me the most is to do the 12 Steps, which are 'spiritual' and come to trust in God as I understand God. Without believing and trusting in Jesus nothing makes any sense and it's all just cr*p and I would be one of those in the suicide statistics. Well, I do believe that this is not all there is,, and that somehow the future is unfolding as it should, and that there is a heaven... and so I hang in .. and I'm not as insecure as I used to be so don't need as much adrenalin.. and I've also heard that a mild beta blocker helps with the adrenalin levels.

I am so very sorry for what these people did to you.
People that are stalking me are doing the exact same thing to me right now.
The employees are doing that to me and the people that stalk me send their friends into the place where I work to sneak up from behind and scare me on purpose.
I wish I could help others in that same position.
You know what? The ones in the hospital deserved every bit of it.
You are not at fault, it is the cruel people that did that to you.
And yes you are right, there are people that do not know.
But you know what? A normal person does not ever sneak up on another person. I would never even think of doing that to another. Keeping that couple of feet distance to give another person their private space is an automatic instinct, but only for the normal ones.
So even if they do not know, they are still ignoring your rights as a human being by denying you your own personal space.

The best thing to do is to search for a job where people will treat another with respect and empathy, gotta admit I have not seen such a job in over 5 years.